That awful, awkward silence that happens sometimes on a date. You know exactly what I’m talking about.
You’re sitting there on a date. You’ve been looking forward to this date. You’ve build up a whole fantasy in your mind about this person. You really think that this is going to be the woman (or the man) for you.
Now they are sitting there next to you. After about twenty or twenty-five minutes, however, the conversation just kind of dies. Then there is that awkward silence.
It’s funny. When you’re with somebody for a long time, you have what people call comfortable silence. In the first twenty minutes or half hour of the beginning of this so-called relationship that you were so sure was going to happen, though, it’s called an awkward silence.
So what do you do in that situation?
At those moments, it’s time to make a joke. Just look the person in the eyes and say, “We’re having our first moment of comfortable silence together. It’s so nice, isn’t it? It’s like we’ve been together for a long time. Here we are. We’re both eating our burgers right now, and we’re having that comfortable silence that people have who have been dating for like six months. Don’t you feel it, too? Aren’t you as comfortable as I am right now?”
Kind of make a joke about it, because most people are probably nervous. Plus, remember that there are allowed to be silent periods in conversations. You don’t have to just keep rambling on and rambling on and rambling on nonstop.
Now, sometimes, there is silence on a date for another reason. Maybe twenty minutes or a half hour into the date you realize that there may not be as much chemistry between you as your mind had imagined there would be.
In that case, that awkward silence may be because of a total lack of chemistry. You can play that situation two ways.
One, you do the thing that I actually told you to do, i.e., make a joke about it, and then try to finish the date as enjoyably as possible. Two, you can look at the person and say, “Hmmm, do we have a lack of chemistry?” Since I don’t suggest going with the second option, I recommend you go with the first option.
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The other day, I was walking down the street with Sonja. This guy came up to us and said, “Do you like poetry?” I looked at him and said, “No.”
I just didn’t feel like being hassled. Whenever I’m walking down the street, I’m walking down the street to get somewhere — maybe to get some food or to go to a shop. I might just be walking the dog, but I’m usually going somewhere.
I don’t like being harassed when I go somewhere. I hate being asked for money. I think it’s crazy.
I hate these guys who want to play music for you. I know they’re trying to hustle, but I’m just not in the mood to be hustled.
This brings me to my point for this blog, which both men and women need to understand.
Every man I’ve ever coached wants to know how to meet women on the street. They want to know, “How can I stop her when she’s walking? How can I stop her on the street and meet her?”
What I say to the guys who ask me this is always the same thing: How do you feel when people stop you on the street? It’s irritating.
Now, if someone tries to casually talk to me when I’m window shopping at a store, I might engage in conversation and I might not. To be stopped when I’m briskly walking down the street to get to a destination, however, is annoying.
It’s just like the man today who asked us if we like poetry. That was annoying.
To all the guys who are just so obsessed with meeting women on the street, why don’t you just stop a woman and say, “Excuse me, do you like to be picked up while you’re running down the street?” There are so many people to meet. Don’t bother people when they’re walking.
You can smile. You can say hello. If they respond, maybe a conversation could ensue. Otherwise, most of us are just going to a destination.
When we get to that destination we’re relaxed. We’re happy. We’re in a better place to probably communicate and talk.
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Somebody wrote me an email the other day, and asked me this question: “David, there’s this woman I’ve been pining for over the years, and she just broke up with a long-term boyfriend. Is now the time to make my move?”
I told him that unless he wants to start playing basketball with her, that this is not the time to make his move. Unless he wants to be “rebound man,” this is not the time to make his move. If he wants to be the guy she with whom she cries, talks and falls in love with for about an hour, then this is time to make his move.
You never want to be “rebound man,” because he never stands a chance of actually getting her. When any relationship ends, you need time to process your feeling, your emotions and the relationship as a whole.
I remember in my 20′s being “rebound man” a few times. I thought it was so cool. I thought, “Timing is everything, and I’m going to make my move right away.”
It was great. We’d get close, then she would freak out and say it was too soon. Then we’d get close again, and she would call and say she was thinking about getting back together with her ex.
You never want to be “rebound man.” You don’t stand a chance. What happens is that as she’s healing and using you as the rebound person, she’s going to meet someone else. She will see you as the person who made her feel better, but will see this new guy as the person who makes her feel great.
So, realize, that unless you want to play basketball that you don’t ever want to be “rebound man.”
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Are you a voicemail blabberer? Do you just freeze when you hit someone’s voicemail?
The phone is ringing, and all of a sudden you hear “Hi. This is Jane. Please leave a message . . .” Your heart starts beating really fast.
The next thing you know, you start blabbering. “Oh, hey Jane. It’s Mike. Okay, that’s . . . yeah, it was great meeting you the other day. Give me a call, if you really want to. I know you don’t know me, but if you want call me. Yeah, call me. Here’s my number. It’s, um, 310-iamuputight.”
That might as well be your number since it could not be more clear how uptight you are. What you want to do instead when you leave a voicemail message, is to set the stage to start the relationship.
Think about how exciting it is when you get a good voicemail message. Compare the above voicemail message to something like this: “Hey Jane. It’s Mike. How are you doing? It was great meeting you the other day at Whole Foods. I checked out your YouTube videos that you were telling me about. They were hilarious! Call me. I have to share something with you about that.”
Do you see how the person receiving that message would feel very differently after hearing it than the feeling they would have after getting the first message? This second message was upbeat. It was exciting.
The second message makes the person want to call you back. You’ve established the relationship. You’re actually the guy who they want to call back, as opposed to the “ah” and “um” guy who stumbles through the message or hangs up without leaving any message at all.
Virtually everyone has Caller ID nowadays. Don’t ever hang up. They will see that you called. Leaving no message will make them not want to call you back just as much as leaving a bad voicemail message.
Click here to hear me talk more about how to know exactly what to say to a woman when you’re leaving a voicemail message and in any situation.
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Some people are all about the quantity of dating. It’s not, however, about how many people you date.
To some people spring and summer are “dating season.” They think, “I can’t wait to go out on eight to ten dates this spring. I love spring dates!”
Why? Are they any different from wintertime dates? Are you going to skip through a park with your dates instead of sliding your ass across an ice rink?
It’s not the number of dates you go on that matters. Truthfully, going on lots of dates does not necessarily mean someone is a successful dater.
What makes you a successful dater is something else entirely. If you want to know what that is, then you had better listen (and listen carefully) to today’s podcast.
The information I give you in this podcast will change the way you perceive dating for the remainder of this so-called spring/summer dating season.
I’m with Will right now, and we’re driving around getting ready to do some undercover in-field videos. So look out for those to be appearing soon on the Community Site. Also, maybe if I’m nice I will actually post one or two of them on YouTube.
Anyway, we were talking about my friend Behar. A lot of you know Behar from the Men’s Mastery Series. He has become something of a legend from that.
He’s actually the man who looked at me at age nineteen and said, “You just have no clue. Do you?” It was an eye-opening moment for me at that time (being age nineteen), because I really didn’t have a clue.
Behar is a basically an “average guy” — about 5’9″ or 5’10″, is kind of going bald and has the “Jewish nose.” Whenever we would go out, he would always kind of throw me under the bus — and this is something every one of you can do when you’re out trying to meet women.
After seeing him do this about a thousand times, I can give you the sequence of events in perfect detail. Here is how this would go down every single time.
He and I would go to a restaurant. The waitress would come over and, of course, would start flirting with me instead of him.
Behar would immediately look at the waitress and say, “Oh, you’re so typical. You go for the solid, good-looking guy just like women always do.” Then the waitress would feel the need to defend herself, and would look at him and say, “No, no that’s not me at all.”
Behar would respond, “What are you talking about? You ignored me like I was not even sitting here. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever thought about going for short, fat, bald Jewish guys? Do you have any idea what you’re missing?”
The waitress would start laughing. Then Behar would tell the waitress to leave and get our order.
When the waitress returned, she would once again start to flirt with me. Behar would say, “Have you given any consideration at all to what I talked to you about? Are you a woman who doesn’t want to expand her horizons, and just continues to do the same things over and over again? You know that is the definition of insanity.”
At this point, her ears were perked up and her mind was racing. Of course, she would always seem to say, “So tell me about short, fat, bald, Jewish guys.” Behar would then look at her deadpan — right in the eyes — and say, “You’ll just have to find out for yourself.”
I mean, it was brilliant. It is one of those things that either works or it doesn’t. The bottom line is that it worked half the time — half the women would go for it and the other half would go back to what they originally wanted, i.e., me.
Anybody can do this. It doesn’t just work if you are a “bald, fat, short, Jewish guy.” It can work if you are average looking, or of a particular ethnicity (e.g., of the “Asian persuasion”), or if you’re super tall or super skinny or whatever it may be.
If, for example, you are of the “Asian persuasion” (as one of my Bootcamp students once termed himself), you could say something like this: “Let me ask you a question. have you ever had a guy of the Asian persuasion? I mean, come on, do you always go for the tall white guy? Have you ever tried Asian? You know, we come in a lot of different flavors.”
There are so many different ways that you can do this. There are so many different ways to have fun with this.
Women love to respond to a challenge. Doing this is calling them out on their shit.
People love to be called out on their shit. They love to be challenged.
So how are you going to challenge yourself to challenge a woman? That’s the real question I have for you today.
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