So let’s talk about dates and dating this Friday.  I’m sure a few of you have a an exciting date, a hookup, a potential partner, an online date–somebody–that you’re going to meet up and hang out with this weekend.  You may be nervous and wanting to make a good first impression, you may  really be hoping you’re going to get laid, you might just be going through the motions and waiting for your date to make the first move.

Whatever ends up going through your head this weekend, one of the biggest stumbling blocks when you’re out with a new person you barely know is running out of things to talk about.  Even worse if you’re the type of person who runs out of things to talk about so consistently on your past dates that you already fear it’s going to happen on your next date!

Now I’m not talking about having a moment of silence, looking at your date, and understanding how to enjoy that silence.  What I mean is when you go on a date with a new person, talk about some boring topic neither of you really cares about for 30 minutes, then, almost like clockwork,  you have  no idea what to talk about or what to do after that boring 30 minute discussion.

Nobody enjoys a night of sitting across from somebody, staring at their food thinking, “Oh my god, what can I talk about?  Is she bored right now?  Does she think I’m a boring person?  Is this a really awkward date?”  Before you know it, you’re in your head the whole night and this date ends up being just another one to chuck onto your pile of uninspired mediocre first dates.  That’s  a surefire date-killer, a surefire way to go home alone, and a surefire way to not get that second date.

"Does she think I'm boring?"

So what is it that’s causing this?  Are you a boring person?  Is it just really difficult for a guy like you to have chemistry with many different women?  Are you doomed to go on tons and tons of dead-end dates until you finally find that one (out of 100 maybe) who you finally have some sort of a connection and some fun with?

I don’t really believe in boring people.  If you’re reading this, to me you’re an interesting person.  I really believe that.  But you have to believe it also, because if deep down inside you think that you’re just another boring guy, then that’s exactly what you’re going to project for as long as you continue to believe it about yourself.

While I don’t believe in boring people, I do believe in boring lives.  I guarantee there are a lot of guys reading right now, when you look and reflect back at what your week looks like, what your 2012 has looked like up until now, what your 2011 looked like last year, you will see a whole lot of dullness, mediocrity, and forgettable moments.  And it’s not because you are dull or mediocre.  It’s because of what you’ve chosen to fill your life with every single day.

If you’re consistently running out of things to talk about on your dates, if you’re having a hard time connecting with a woman who you actually really like and you want to see again, it’s not because of who you are as a person, it’s because of what you do with your time, what you think about, and what you experience every single day.

Every time you go out on a date, every time you try to connect with a woman, all you can bring with you is what you have experienced up until this point and what you experience in your daily life.  If you live a life that you’d rather not remember, if you think thoughts that you’d rather not share, if you look back and think, “God, what a boring month I had,” the only thing you’re going to deliver to the woman sitting across from you is the energy of a lifestyle you’d rather not share.

If you can’t enjoy your week all by yourself in whatever you do, you’re bringing to the table a guy who doesn’t know how to enjoy himself in the things he does and the people he’s with.  If you’re not inspired by your own life every day leading up to this Friday night, what makes you think you’re suddenly going to be able to flip the switch and make this Friday night any more inspiring?  

But if you are engaged in the things you do, guess what?  You’re going to be engaging to the woman who you’ve brought on this date with you.

So you can sit around and wait for that one out of 100 women who you finally connect with, or you can do something about your lifestyle, start making some changes, and start connecting with women everywhere.  So tonight before you go out, I want you to do yourself a favor and sit for a while in a quiet place.  Maybe turn off the radio on your 30 minute commute home, maybe crack a beer and sit quietly on the couch,  sit still and meditate, get in the zone on the treadmill at the gym, just do something to give your mind a little rest.

Think about the way you live your life right now and how you feel about your connection to the world around you.  Are you perfectly content?  Are you bored?  Do you see yourself as a boring person?  Would somebody else think that your life is interesting?

Now envision the way that you would like your life to be.  What kinds of changes could you make to start moving in that direction? What are some things you’ve thought about doing but have just never gotten around to?   What new things would you learn about?  Have you always wanted to sky dive?  Would you pick up a cooking class or learn some new recipes?  Would you cut out a day of lifting weights and pick up some yoga?  Would you travel to South America for a week instead of another shitty trip to Vegas?  Would you watch less How I Met Your Mother reruns and go to read the new releases at Borders?

Write down three new things that you would enjoy seeing in your lifestyle.  Put yourself out there so that others can see and write them in the comments section.  Because you can talk about it all day long, but the key is that you have to start doing it.  So pick the most important one, the one that jumps out at you the most, AND START DOING IT.  Even if it’s something as simple as trying out one new restaurant a week instead of getting takeout 3 times a week.

You can’t just read a blog post, learn some pickup line, or post your dating questions on the internet.  You have to make that commitment when you wake up that day and actually add something new and inspiring to your life.

So you are out on a date with somebody, it goes fairly well. Pretty soon, you’re waiting for them to call you back and you become obsessed about that person. You call up all your friends to try to figure out what you did right, what may have gone wrong, when they might call you, or why didn’t they haven’t called you yet.

“How come they didn’t call! What did I do wrong?”

And then all of sudden it’s six weeks later, you’ve been talking about this person constantly, and you haven’t dated anybody else since that date. You basically just wasted six weeks of your dating life.

Here is the deal: if you go out on a date and your date never calls you back afterwards––it’s over. Once it’s over, there’s no reason to think about it ever again. That person was not your dream person, that person was not your soul mate, that person was not the person you really wanted them to be since you went out on that date.

What you need to do is realize that all of that time that you’re wasting being obsessed about somebody you once dated and who doesn’t feel the same way about you is really just time wasted not going out and meeting anybody else. It’s time wasted not living your life the way you want to; time wasted on somebody that doesn’t give a damn about you; time wasted on a person who won’t even give you the time to call you back.

That’s the reality of it. This person who you’re obsessing over did not care enough about you to call you back. So now what do you do with that? You stop thinking about that person, you stop obsessing over that person, and you start realizing that there are so many more people out there. The world is abundant. There is an inventory of amazing single people to date everywhere you look.

I’m tired of the complaining, I’m tired of the obsessions.

Now is the time for you to get real with yourself, and stop the complaining, the whining, and start reengaging with the people around you.

Look at your life right now. Look at the people you’ve dated that didn’t work out. Look at how many hours and how many days you’ve obsessed about those people and think to yourself, “Why did I do it? Why did I drive everybody crazy talking about it?”

Stop.

. . .

It’s 2012. You’re all growns up now. Let the past be the past. Look around you and be grateful for all the attractive people you’re going to be dating soon.

Now get out there and engage life. Stop obsessing and get into your best relationship yet.

You deserve it.

PS. Whatever you do, don’t be this guy.

Hey Shogo,

I’ve been practicing what I’ve learned from you—using conversation skills, observations, etc—and I’ve become good at starting casual conversations in a very non-threatening manner.  But from the reactions I get with women, I sense that I am giving off more a friendly vibe as opposed to a sexual vibe. I’m not trying to make a girl wet on the spot, I just don’t want to give the impression that I’m looking for a friend.  I frequently gave a big friendly smile when striking up these conversations and I get a good reception, but I feel like a big puppy dog and I can feel the lack of sexual tension.  So how can I use my smile, body language, tone, mindset, etc. to demonstrate my (not-so-friendly) intentions when approaching women? Thanks Shogo!

Jason, Grand Rapids, MI

Hey Jason,

I can tell from your first sentence what your issue is.  You’re too concerned about approaching women in a very nonthreatening manner.  That’s really what so-called “approach anxiety” is all about when it comes down to it.  It’s not wanting to come across as a threat, not wanting to disturb the person you’re talking to, and not wanting to be seen as a jerk or a pervert.

The irony is that almost every single guy who is worried about being too threatening or coming across as a jerk is almost never threatening or a jerk.  What happens is that you suppress yourself so much in your conversations with women that all you’re really doing is suppressing your sexual edge.

Hiiiiii! It's Me!

Now that doesn’t mean that you have to read a seduction book and infuse sexual words in your conversations or try to make a woman think sexual thoughts by touching her or sending subliminal messaging or whatever.  That is creepy.  And perverted.

The woman you’re talking to is either going to think sexual thoughts about you or she is not.  You can’t change chemistry and you can’t change the way a woman imagines you.  But you can change the way that you think and the way that you feel about yourself, so that when you come across the right woman down the road who senses your energy, sparks will fly and she will get turned on by you.

What you want to do is start conversations in a very casual manner, not in a nonthreatening manner.  Forget about trying to be nonthreatening.  Jason, I’ve talked to you on the phone, you already are a nonthreatening guy.  You have a great vibe and a friendly demeanor.  The problem is that you are most likely afraid of confrontation, and that’s where your edge comes from.

Now this is a big topic, but I’ll touch on it briefly.

You need to develop that sexual edge.  Stand your ground.  Don’t be afraid of coming across a little offensive.  Don’t be afraid of being abrasive.  Don’t be afraid of expressing what you are really thinking during the conversation.  She’s a big girl, she can handle it.  The more you start letting your sexual thoughts out, the more you will start owning your own sexuality and you won’t be letting your penis control every decision you make.

The big puppy dog smile is ok, as long as you’re being real.  But the puppy dog smile is not ok when you’re doing it to mask what’s playing out behind the scenes.

What is happening is that you’re too wrapped up in coming across as nonthreatening that you’ve completely forgotten about saying what is really on your mind.  We’re all a little dirty, we’re all a little perverted in our own minds.  Men and women both.  Be comfortable with it.  Let those thoughts dance around in your head for a little bit, then let them out.  That way, when the time is right you’re going to turn that Golden Retriever puppy smile into the sly Doberman that’s never had a trip to the vet smile.

It’s all in your mindset–body language, smile, tone, all that will follow–but you have to change your mindset first and foremost or you will come across as very contrived and pick-uppy.

When I sat down to write my new book, Naked, I realized that I was writing to a very diverse audience. Some of you live on the coast, some of you live in the middle of the country. Some of you live in Europe, some of you live in Japan. But all of us have very different lives and we have different choices to make every single day on how we’re going to live our lives.

Some of us love consistency, like waking up at the crack of dawn everyday. We like to have the same exact food every single morning. Or going for the same walk, and then we take our nap at the same exact time every day. At night we like to go to bed at the same time after we watch our favorite Sesame Street or Sponge Bob show.

And then, some of you thrive on inconsistency. You prefer to go with the flow, or with how you’re feeling in the moment.

You’ve got to realize what your consistencies and your inconsistencies are because you’ll need to find somebody that will be able to embrace the way in which you choose to live your life. If you’re someone who consistently lives your life by a schedule, then you can’t be with somebody like me who loves inconsistency.

I like to wake up at different times every single day. I like to start my day off differently every single day. I don’t really enjoy my life when it’s the same every single day. I don’t like to go on the same vacations at the same time each year. I like to go for a beach vacation one month and then, six months later, go on a city vacation.

And when I sat down to write Naked I realized that there’s no way in the world that people will ever be able to meet their perfect match if they don’t know about their consistencies and inconsistencies. There’s no way in the world they’ll be able to do it or figure it out. Because what happens in life and who you meet is a reflection of how you conduct your life.

So let’s think today. Are you a consistent person or an inconsistent person? When it comes down to all your mannerisms in life, do you fully embrace and love every single one of them? Are there things that you would like to change? It is very important.

Before you go and go out and date people, figure out who you are first; that’s what’s really important.

And I also want you to buy my book Naked on Amazon and write a review when you’re done. That’s super important too.

They had good pedigree. They were successful and age appropriate. They were good-looking. They followed up with phone calls. Then all of a sudden—poof—they just vanished.

You’re in shock. You can’t believe that this one went away. You felt like it was the perfect kind of a relationship. You really felt like you were ready for it. You really needed this relationship because you were so tired of dating. You were tired of putting yourself online and having nothing happen. You were tired of going to the parties and heading out to the same bars and restaurants. You felt like this was the one.

Here’s the deal: everything that you’ve ever known about dating is wrong. During those three weeks you never kept a dating journal. See, Mr. and Mrs. Perfect do not exist. What we do when we date is we get caught up in what I call the oxytocin moment. We get caught up in this wave of emotion, like a drug is released in our bodies.

It feels so good to be rescued from being single. But in reality, the warning signs are there from the beginning. I tell everybody in my very new book, Naked, to keep a dating journal, and write down how you feel at the end of each date. How does this person make you feel? Do you feel desired? Do you feel excited? Take it even deeper. Do you keep a journal where you know exactly the way you need to feel in a relationship?

My new book Naked goes really deep into dating. It gets you to fall in love with the most important person in your life: you. Because when it comes down to dating, most of us date based on needs. I need to have a relationship. I need to no longer be single. I need to find somebody different because the last person didn’t treat me well.

What Naked does is it takes everything down to the root and allows you to forgive everything that’s gone on in your life and allows you to embrace all the lessons you’ve learned. But more importantly, it gets you to fall in love with who you are as a person. It allows you to realize that you’re an amazing catch.

Naked is almost 200 pages of daily exercises that help you no longer date out of need, out of frustration, or out of desperation. When it comes to love, in order to find someone to love you the way you need to be loved, you need to love yourself first. You need to take yourself out on dates. You need to do things for yourself. You need to feel amazing and wonderful and you need to strip yourself down of all your fears and become naked. You need to forget about past failures and learn from them.

But more importantly, you need to know exactly what you want going into that date, emotionally. Because when it comes down to dating, all it is is based on feelings. How did you feel at the end of a date? Most of us have never asked that question, because we always date based on wants, needs, and desires.

It’s time to change the way you date. It’s time to get naked.

We went to this really cool place in downtown LA. It was this hip, trendy little restaurant. I don’t remember the name of it but I really enjoyed it. Great food, small plates.

The waiter was gay, and he really could care less about us because we were three dudes sitting there, all good-looking guys, and we gave him no vibes whatsoever. And he started acting like a typical guy would act if he’s not get any feedback from a woman.

When the meal was over, instead of being friendly and coming over to chat with us, he dropped the check, turned around and quickly ran away from us. And then when he brought the check back for us to sign he quickly dropped it and ran away from us again.

He’s no different than a dude that goes up to a group of women that are not attracted to him. When he gets no love whatsoever, he immediately becomes snooty and snotty instead of just being friendly.

Let me tell you something: if you’re not getting the reaction you want from somebody—take control. You’re the one that needs to be the leader. You’re the one that needs to decide what dynamic you want in your life, not the other people sitting there. You don’t want to give your power away.

The waiter basically gave his power away to us the second we were not chatty with him, when he could’ve been chatty with us. He could’ve been more fun. He could’ve really enjoyed himself a little bit more.

And it’s funny, our waiter also reminds me of a woman who’s not getting enough attention. It’s like when guys hit on a group of women at a bar and one of the women is not getting enough attention and she just wants to ruin the night for everybody.

She doesn’t want to to deal with any of the people there whatsoever because she’s not getting enough attention. She doesn’t care if her friend hasn’t had sex in six months. She doesn’t care if her friend is having a great, engaging conversation with an attractive dude.

She could care less because she’s not getting enough attention and her energy changes right away. Her energy totally becomes this heavy, frustrating energy and what happens? She becomes the energy ruiner.

Here’s the deal: you’re the leader. You decide how your night’s going to be. Either you’re going to be somebody who’s friendly, engaging and true to yourself, or you’re going to be like our little gay waiter and that woman being ignored. It’s funny how life is sometimes. Your choice. 

Obsession is something that is not very healthy at all, especially when it comes to meeting the opposite sex. So many guys are so obsessed with the approach or so obsessed with trying to figure out what to say.

Women get obsessed with a lot of different things also. Some get obsessed and fixated when it comes to why the date went wrong and what the guy must be thinking and why the relationship is not working out and how it could not work out.

Today’s video is all about obsession. I think you’ll enjoy it because it’ll finally open up your eyes to what obsession is all about.

If you’re ready to stop obsessing and start having a healthy, productive, amazing dating life, I suggest you buy my book, Naked.

No, it’s not the end of a football game. But isn’t that great when your team’s winning, you’re in the stands and you count down. “Ten, nine, eight…” What’s the point? They don’t hear you. The players could care less, and in their heads they’ve already counted down when the game was over anyway.

Sp here we are, December 31st, 2011, only a few hours to go until the most incredible moment of the year!
The strike of 12, when you’re standing in a room full of people that you have not talked to or connected with all night, and you desperately search around the room for the drunkest woman to kiss. That is the stupidest night of the year.

Most of you will be chasing the night tonight. You go out, trying to find the best party you can possibly find. When you get to that party, if it’s not good, you’ll say to yourself, “Man there’s no chicks here. We really need to go to the Holiday Inn bar down by Route 25, I heard there’s some cougars there that are looking to get lucky on New Year’s Eve.”
You’ll be searching all night long, when in reality tonight, all this night is, it’s just another Saturday night. It’s no different than last Saturday night, or the other 364 days this year. Who cares? You don’t need to go out with a bang.

In fact, you may not have had a bang the whole year. You don’t need to make amends, make up for bad parties, bad choices, bad dates, whatever it might be, by going out and trying to make this the greatest night of your entire year.

This is the most overrated night of the entire year, so instead, why not be proactive? Do something you actually enjoy where you know you’ll have a good time. Go see a movie, stay at home, have dinner with friends or family. Do something that’s more enjoyable. Invite some friends over and play board games. You’ll certainly be more stimulated, and really if you think about it you’ll be more bored, and definitely a whole lot more anxious, at a ridiculous, overrated New Year’s Eve soiree.

It’s time that you did something different this New Year’s Eve and stopped chasing the New Year. Allow the New Year to come to you. Allow the New Year to happen on its own, and allow the New Year to manifest the way it’s supposed to. You’re not going to make up for a year’s worth of bad nights by going out and maybe find someone to kiss at the stroke of midnight.
It doesn’t matter if you kiss some sloppy drunk person and have a funny story to tell going into the New Year. It’s not going to change your life or the way you are with women, just because you were able to make out with a sloppy drunk girl at the stroke of midnight, so stop being an amateur and act like a professional.

Professionals don’t count down at the end of the game. Professionals embrace the win and move forward and think about what to do the next day to become even better.

Kids are babied nowadays more than ever. The other day I was driving down the street, and I saw a kid on a tricycle with a helmet. A helmet. On a tricycle. There’s no way that tricycle was going to fall over and the kid was going to hit his head on the concrete. But yet the kid had a helmet on.

I think that can really serve as a metaphor for what society is nowadays. Society is all about babying every single step of our lives from the second we’re on that tricycle with a helmet for no good reason, all the way through high school and college, and then even while you’re off on your own.

I think that we’ve got a generation now that is full of people who have been absolutely babied every single step of the way, and that’s why they’re so afraid of conflict. I’m hoping that this blog pisses you off, makes you angry, and makes you realize some things about your own life, because I want to see you angry. I want to see you full of conflict, I want to see you really raging and fuming on the inside right now.

I want to see you sick and tired of the situations you put yourself into, over and over again.

Can you motivate yourself enough to keep yourself moving? Can you motivate yourself to face conflict and face your own fears head-on?
We’ve got boot camps coming up all next year. We’re doing one in each city, and that’s it.

You want conflict and growth? You get your butt to one of these boot camps. To check out next years schedule click here.

And if you can’t afford a boot camp, what are you going to do to change the mindset that you’ve put yourself in right now? How are you going to grow? Who is going to push you? Who is going to push you so far that you can grow through the conflict and start to work on yourself to get this part of your life handled?

And I was thinking to myself, how should I address this person? Is he a “Hey” guy or a “Hi” guy?

All my e-mails always start with something like, “Hey Joe,” “Hey Amy,” “Hey Tom.”

But some people are not “Hey” people. Some people are a little more formal, and should be addressed with “Hi Tom,” “Hi Mary,” “Hi Joe”—that type of thing.
So I was thinking that when you send an e-mail, you really need to know the type of person you’re writing to, because a “Hey” may turn off a Hi person, and a “Hi” may turn off a Hey person.

A lot of people also have these signatures at the end of your e-mail. Some people have a “Thanks”, some of you are “Talk Soon,” and some of you write “Bye for now.” Some people write, “Regards.”

But the thing is, we wouldn’t actually refer to each person we write to with a “Talk Soon,” a “Regards,” or a “Hey There.” So many of us are not personal at all in our e-mails. We’ve got a “Hey” for everybody, a “Talk Soon” to everybody, or a “Thanks” to everybody.

Why don’t we kind of just kind of sign off and sign on the way we would in person? You don’t walk up to every single person and go, “Hey,” “Hi,” and end every conversation with a “Talk Soon,” “Regards,” “Thanks.”

We’ve gotten really lazy, and we basically try to take every shortcut with technology. I guess sometimes shortcuts aren’t good. Maybe it’s time to personalize things just a little bit more.