Do you think about laying in bed all alone, candles lit, romantic music playing in the background, with a bottle of KY lotion next to you, as you slowly explore your organ for probably the thousandth time this year? Is that self-love?

How about when you look in the mirror and you actually admire everything about yourself, when you stare directly into your eyes and embrace everything about who you are. Is that self-love?

Or when you actually write down all the amazing things about how you are, the type of friend that you are, the type of lover that you are, the type of boyfriend that you are, the type of man that you’ve become, and more importantly, through all those experiences, how you look at yourself. Is that self-love?

Self-love is by far the most powerful lesson when it comes down to dating. Without it, you are doomed. You really are. There is no chance in hell you are ever going to meet somebody great unless you love yourself.

So how do you go about loving yourself? Pretty simple. You’ve got to start looking at the good points of you, instead of the bad points. And this is usually where I get the “Yeah, But David” from my clients.

“Yeah, but David, I really, really don’t like the way my body looks right now and I’d do much better meeting the opposite sex as soon as I like my body.”

Do you hear the way that you are talking? Listen to what you are saying “when I like my body.” You’ve got to love your body.

Here is the deal: your body can always be better. Whose body can’t be better? All of us could lose a few pounds; all of us could gain a few more pounds of muscle; all of us could fix our hair, fix a tooth, or whatever it might be. But self-love starts every day because every single day you have an opportunity to meet the opposite sex; you have the opportunity to meet a great woman and if you are feeling down about yourself, there is no way in the world you are going to be able to meet that awesome woman.

Self-love is one of the most powerful journeys you can take and everybody needs to take that journey every single day. Otherwise, you might end up like this person:

“I am really waiting until the spring time to date because I figure by then, I will have the job that I want because right now I just don’t really like my job that much. And I know I am going to have a better job even though I haven’t sent my resume out yet but I know someone is going to want me once I send my resume out. Not only that but spring time, I am going to lose the 20 pounds that I have put on over the course of the holidays and the wintertime and I am going to start hitting the gym come March and I will look a lot better and…”

It doesn’t start in the future! Self-love starts in the present. It starts right now.

Self-love.

They had good pedigree. They were successful and age appropriate. They were good-looking. They followed up with phone calls. Then all of a sudden—poof—they just vanished.

You’re in shock. You can’t believe that this one went away. You felt like it was the perfect kind of a relationship. You really felt like you were ready for it. You really needed this relationship because you were so tired of dating. You were tired of putting yourself online and having nothing happen. You were tired of going to the parties and heading out to the same bars and restaurants. You felt like this was the one.

Here’s the deal: everything that you’ve ever known about dating is wrong. During those three weeks you never kept a dating journal. See, Mr. and Mrs. Perfect do not exist. What we do when we date is we get caught up in what I call the oxytocin moment. We get caught up in this wave of emotion, like a drug is released in our bodies.

It feels so good to be rescued from being single. But in reality, the warning signs are there from the beginning. I tell everybody in my very new book, Naked, to keep a dating journal, and write down how you feel at the end of each date. How does this person make you feel? Do you feel desired? Do you feel excited? Take it even deeper. Do you keep a journal where you know exactly the way you need to feel in a relationship?

My new book Naked goes really deep into dating. It gets you to fall in love with the most important person in your life: you. Because when it comes down to dating, most of us date based on needs. I need to have a relationship. I need to no longer be single. I need to find somebody different because the last person didn’t treat me well.

What Naked does is it takes everything down to the root and allows you to forgive everything that’s gone on in your life and allows you to embrace all the lessons you’ve learned. But more importantly, it gets you to fall in love with who you are as a person. It allows you to realize that you’re an amazing catch.

Naked is almost 200 pages of daily exercises that help you no longer date out of need, out of frustration, or out of desperation. When it comes to love, in order to find someone to love you the way you need to be loved, you need to love yourself first. You need to take yourself out on dates. You need to do things for yourself. You need to feel amazing and wonderful and you need to strip yourself down of all your fears and become naked. You need to forget about past failures and learn from them.

But more importantly, you need to know exactly what you want going into that date, emotionally. Because when it comes down to dating, all it is is based on feelings. How did you feel at the end of a date? Most of us have never asked that question, because we always date based on wants, needs, and desires.

It’s time to change the way you date. It’s time to get naked.

You’ve heard so many nightmare stories about it. You’ve heard about children acting up. You’ve heard about the lack of intimate one-on-one time.

There are so many things that can potentially go wrong. There is no spontaneity. Everything you’ve heard about children is multiplied by twenty because this kid isn’t even yours.

You’ve also heard about the tenacious sex drive that single moms have. Because they’re with the kids five days a week and they only have two days free, in those two days they need to satisfy all their urges. They want to have sex, but they’re not about wasting time because their free time is so limited.

So here you are. You’ve met an amazing woman and you’re dating “the single mom.” This is something you’ve never wanted. Welcome to one of the toughest times of your adult adolescence, because this is the time that you are forced to grow up faster than ever before.

I remember when I was living in Boulder, Colorado. I met a great woman named Denise who was beautiful and sexy. Everything about her was perfect, except she she had a four year old kid (and a boyfriend at the time too).

I remember that I would flirt with her every time I saw her. About a year later after flirting with her and being friends with her boyfriend, she came to my office one day and told me that she wanted to take me to dinner.

We went out to dinner. At dinner she looked at me and basically told me she was in love with me. I didn’t know what to do. I just really never wanted to adopt someone else’s kid, and she knew this.

So a few weeks later, she actually dropped her kid off for a few hours at my office. It was torture. It was hell. I was exhausted. I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment.

I moved to San Diego. About six months later, I actually called her and said, “Moving to San Diego and walking away from you was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.” By that time she had met someone else.

I wasn’t ready to date a woman with a kid. I wasn’t really mature enough. I realized, though, that not doing it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

It’s true that there are going to be limitations when you date a woman who has a kid. She is still a woman, though, and she still has needs, wants and desires.

Also, it’s true that the child isn’t yours and that it is not a dream situation. In life, though, we can try to live the dream situation or we can just live life and take things as they come.

In life, everything doesn’t go according to plan. Everything doesn’t go the way you think it’s supposed to go.

So if you meet an incredible who has a child, and the child has a father who is in his or her life, then all that woman is looking for from you is to be a great man for her. When you spend time with the kid, enjoy the kid.

Kids are beautiful. Kids are great. You can learn a lot of things about yourself through the child.

She doesn’t need a substitute dad. She just needs you to be her boyfriend, to be her man.

So if you’re dating a single mother, enjoy it! This woman may have a child, but you may not be able to meet another great woman like her.

This is a great time in your life. It enables you to grow and experience things that you never thought you would experience. So, enjoy that single mother!

This Friday’s blog was going to be another tip from me on navigating the bar scene. I was going to talk about cockblocking, but I’ve been reading some of the recent comments on the blog, and instead I want to write today’s blog in response to some of the comments. We’ll talk about cockblocks next week.

So you’re on the blog reading all this great advice about how to meet women, how to date, and how to get yourself into a relationship. Problem is, when you go out there in real life, you can’t put any of the information we give you to use because you’re not actually meeting anyone. There’s no women around when you go out. Or you can’t approach. Or you do approach but you keep getting No-Thank-Yous.

Why is this happening to you? Maybe you think you’re ugly. Maybe you’re short. Maybe you drive a shitty, beat-up car. So you tell yourself that women are turned off by all of this. They’re so turned off by you. What women are really attracted to is a guy with a full head of hair, 6’2”, and a vacation house in Miami.

Do you have what it takes to get the woman you desire?

And you just can’t compete with a guy like that. You’ve been dealt a shitty hand in life, and all the dating advice in the world isn’t going to change the fact that you’re just not attractive to women.

So you come on the blog and you say, “Screw you David, screw you Shogo, screw Intern Dan, whoever, you give us all this esoteric mindset advice on how to be confident, but all the confidence in the world is not going to make up for the fact that I’m short, fat, bald, and broke, and the cold hard truth is that women are turned off by that.”

You want to attract a lot of women? You want to be a lady’s man? If that’s what you want, here’s the news:

Looks matter. Height matters. Money in the bank matters.

That’s right, all these things–and much much more–do in fact make a difference when it comes down to attracting women. But there’s only so much you can do about any of that. You can’t change it, so why on earth spend another minute dwelling on it?

(And more importantly, all the looks and money in the world will only get you so far in your success with women, but that’s another blog for another day.)

What you need to do is take action and do something about the things that you can actually improve on. And more importantly, you need to let go of the things you can never change about yourself.

You really need to let it go.

You hate your height and you’re bitching about?

Fine. You’re short. I get it.

What do you want from people? Unless you’re willing to go to China to have metal rods implanted into your shins, there is nothing anybody in the world can do about that. There is absolutely no use in you dwelling on the things you don’t like about yourself and beating yourself up over the fact that some woman out there who you don’t even know isn’t going to date you for it.

Is it true that if you’re 5’6”, you will never have a girlfriend who only dates men over 5’10″?

Yes, if that is an absolute requirement for her, that is true. You will never date a woman like that.

Is it true that I, Shogo, will never date a woman who will not go out with an Asian man?

Yes, that is also true. I am Asian. I will never be able to date a woman like that, not for the rest of my life.

The difference with me is that you will never see me sitting around, bitching and moaning about it. I don’t dwell on that for a single moment. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t want me. It doesn’t upset me in the least.

And simply having that mindset automatically makes me more attractive to more women.

Here’s an exercise I want everybody to do:

Get out three sheets of paper. On one sheet, write down all the things about yourself that you don’t like. Take your time with it. And be specific. Don’t just write, “I’m ugly.” Write, “I don’t like the acne scars on my cheekbones.” Write things like, “I don’t like the extra flab on my belly.” “I am 4 inches shorter than I’d like to be.” “My penis is 2 inches shorter than I’d like it to be.” “I don’t like the fact that I have few friends.” “I don’t like my disheveled haircut and dandruff.” “I don’t like my glasses and my dorky wardrobe.”

Write all of that stuff out. Make the list as long as you want and take your time doing it.

Now review that list. Read through each item. On the second sheet, I want you to rewrite each thing that, with some work, you could actually take steps to change about yourself. On the third sheet, rewrite each thing that is a permanent part of you and that YOU CANNOT EVER CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF.

Review that third sheet. Look at it and internalize it. This is who you are. This is who you are for the rest of your life and THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE THAT.

You need to embrace it. You need to love every single thing you wrote about yourself on that third sheet. This is who you are.  These are the things that will never change about you, so fuck anyone who is unwilling to accept you for that. But the first step starts with you accepting yourself and accepting all of your little ugly bits.

You are who you are, guys. We all have things we don’t like about ourselves. Change the things about yourself that you can change, and embrace the things about yourself that you cannot change.

As those of you who regularly follow the blog know, I’ve spent the past couple months apartment hunting. I’ve finally found a place, but damn, what a stressful, time-consuming experience it was. Add to that the fact that I live in New York City, so for every apartment offering that goes up, there are about 10 people searching and ready to jump on a good deal. The end of summer is a total zoo, it seems like everybody and their mother in New York is looking to move to a new place.

I looked at apartments all over the city, everywhere imaginable.  There were some good deals out there, there were some scams and dumps, there were hidden gems, and everything else in between.

I inquired about literally hundreds of apartments over the past few weeks, and looked at over 30 or 40 of them. I put in an application at a few places, had several credit checks, was accepted to every place, and I even laid down a deposit at two places.  Then I’d sleep on it or think about it for a few hours, and later on I would pull out with cold feet. I just couldn’t pull the trigger. Every time there was a place ready for the taking at my fingertips, I always hesitated. I couldn’t just say, “Yes, I’m taking it,” settle on a place, and have the search be done with.

Do You Desire To Be The Perfect Dream Couple?

Why not? Because, in the back of my mind, I had this image that there was some apartment in the city that had to be better than the one I was looking at right then and there. Or the apartment that I was looking at somehow wasn’t as good as the one I’d looked at a couple days ago.

So I’d envision myself living there, where the furniture would go, how I would cook dinners in the kitchen when I had someone over, how we would get up and take a shower, walk to the park, everything. Sure, it looked great but in my mind there was always a place that was just a little bit better than the place right in front of me.

Somewhere, I knew there was an apartment that would meet every specification I was looking for, the one place that was going to be perfect for my lifestyle. (As you know, lifestyle is what I teach, and having a quality lifestyle is essential to me.)

There was always a place with a little more square footage. In a slightly better location a couple blocks down. A block closer to the park. Closer to that cool corner coffee shop. 100 bucks a month cheaper. Slightly newer kitchen appliances. Slightly better water pressure, a little more cabinet space, an extra window with better lighting, better hardwood floors, a cooler-looking building, a little closer to the subway…you name it.

I spent so much time thinking it over, comparing and contrasting places, then at the end of the day I could never finally decide on a location. It really stressed me out. So I’d think it over for a night, then call up the landlord or the broker the next day with my mind made up. “Ok, I’ve decided! I’m taking the place at 101 Main Street! Done, let’s do this. When can I come sign the lease?”

“Oooh, sorry Shogo,” I’d hear, “Someone just came in this morning and signed the lease on it… Tough luck. But I’ve got another place I can show you…”  Of course that new place would then be not nearly as good as 101 Main Street.

The fact is there is no perfect apartment. For everything that was better about the next apartment I would look at, there was always something worse about it than the prior apartments. Sure, this place has a great outdoor terrace that the one I looked at yesterday didn’t have. But it’s eleven blocks away from the cool part of town. This place has brand new kitchen appliances. But no bathtub. An extra room for a home office? Sure, but it’s a 6-floor walkup.

There really is no perfection in life. It’s a lesson I’m still learning. There is no such thing as the perfect house, and in all my experiences dating I can tell you that there is no such thing as the perfect person.

Are you in a relationship, or are you dating right now, and you’re still looking around for someone better than the person you’re seeing? Someone who’s a little better looking, maybe a little smarter, a little more popular, in a little better shape? Are you saving yourself up for that special, perfect person? Are you kind of just going through the motions right now, secretly hoping for him or her to come across your path? And if you do encounter that person, will you be able to seize the moment and act on it?

You may come across that perfect person.  But you night not.  You might be waiting for a long, long time.  And before you know it, you may have missed an opportunity with that great person right in front of you.

Today I’d like you to go out and appreciate another person. If you’re single, go out and start a friendly conversation with someone new, whether you’re attracted to them or not, it doesn’t matter. Really listen to that person and be interested in what they’re all about. And if you’re in a relationship or you’re dating somebody, I want you to look at and appreciate them, even though he or she may not be the perfect person in the world. Maybe he’s not as tall as you’d like, maybe she’s got a couple extra pounds on her. Maybe he talks a little too much about himself, maybe she’s more judgmental than you’d like her to be, whatever it is.

You may come across someone who’s a better match for you down the road, and it’s ok to keep your options open if that’s what you want. But really take some time today to appreciate and enjoy that imperfect person who is right in front of you.

I just watched the season finale of Entourage, and it was definitely not what I expected. Really, Entourage is a fun and entertaining show, but when I watch it I don’t expect to feel anything at all.

The show definitely had its moments, just like all TV shows. Some good moments, some great moments, and some just plain old dumb moments.

But the last episode, if you have not seen it, was a real treat. (Slight spoiler alert here for those of you who haven’t watched the finale yet!!)

The episode was all about Love.

It was not what I, or probably anyone else, expected out of the last Entourage episode. It was all about Love and how far people are willing to go for love.

It really got me thinking…

How far are YOU willing to go for love?

Would you quit your job and move halfway around the world for somebody or something you loved?

If you’re a complete workaholic, would you stop working and just relax for a year in order to spend time with your family and save a dying marriage?

Would you go against everything your parents wanted for you in a partner, even if they hated the person you were with? Would you ignore them and be with the person you loved?

Love is strong. Love is powerful.

But just how powerful is love in your life? Let’s hear from you guys today.

You know what my favorite part of a relationship is? The part of the relationship where you have to prove that you love the other person. Prove that you love me. If you love me, you will do this for me. People are nuts when they do that crap.

Prove it? You know, it kind of makes me scratch my head a little bit and makes me think. What, everything I have done up into this moment does not say that I love you? Are we misinterpreting each others’ actions so much that you just don’t understand anything that I do?

So many times, somebody will say that. If you really love me, you will cancel your night out with your friends tonight, and you will come and take me out to dinner. Or, if you really love me you won’t go visit your friends this weekend. You will fly around the world to go see me. Prove that you love me.

How To Prove Your Love

Let me tell you something. You don’t have to prove anything. If they don’t believe that you love them — if they don’t believe that you are into them, then you know what? Those relationships are not worth pursuing. They really aren’t. Any relationship that causes you grief — any relationship that just drives you off the wall and you have to consistently prove yourself to somebody is a relationship with a very needy person. An extremely needy person. Needy people always want things proven to them.

In reality, though, the reason why they always want things proven to them is because they don’t trust themselves in the first place. Prove that you love me. Have you ever dated somebody like that where you have to prove everything, and you are constantly on edge? Share with me today.

I’m using the term ‘lover’ generically, but you could fill in the blank with someone’s husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. Let’s use the term ‘lover’ here though.

What does a lover do? A lover loves somebody unconditionally. A lover nurtures and makes the other person feel safe, loved, desired, heard and wanted.

A lover can be your best friend, and technically should be your best friend. Your lover is somebody with whom you can look forward to being and spending private, intense, beautiful and warm moments.

Television is an escape. A better escape is to spend every night drifting off into your lover.

Maybe one night just drift off into each other’s eyes — looking at each other, connecting, talking, and being open and honest with no judgment. Really just embrace each other’s desires, warmth and words.

Another night, maybe just touch one another. Explore each other in ways you you haven’t before, or in ways only you know makes the other person feel amazing.

Think about it. What would you rather do — watch a movie, or spend two hours loving your lover into intense, erotic, totally ‘letting go’ moments?

Maybe another night you ask yourself what your lover really loves, and then you do it for them. That might mean rubbing their head or giving them a back massage or rubbing their feet. Who knows? Some of us are physical, and some of us are mental and just want to be listened to by our lover.

Foreplay

It really comes down to asking yourself this: Would you rather watch television, or would you rather get lost in your lover emotionally, sexually and physically? We have such limited time in our day, and nothing feels better than to let go fully with your lover.

Can you even let go? Do you even know how to let go?

Do you dial into your lover’s energy on a daily basis? Do you think to yourself, “What can I do for my lover today?”

When you have sex, do you give 120%? Do you totally succumb to what your lover is doing, or are you in your head so you start thinking about things?

Letting go with someone and succumbing to them is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. In fact if you did that every single night, then all the tension and the battles and the fights would release.

Respecting each other is very important. You can never have an equal relationship if one person feels less respected or less desired. In that case, you will have a relationship that will not work the way EITHER of you desire.

I learn about my own issues and my own “stuff,” like my own fears that I may not even have realized I had. I am not talking about fears having to do with when I coach guys how to approach women. I have zero apprehension about that.

I go deeper. So ever since I recorded that podcast, I have been thinking about it and one word keeps coming up: resistance.

I have realized that I have had resistance in a lot of my relationships. Giving in seems to be a big theme Giving in seems to be the big theme. Giving in and losing control seem to be big themes.

Now granted, there are things that you can’t give in to in relationships — things that you are very passionate about or which are part of your core belief system or whatever it might be. Even if you are passionate about certain issues, though, you can still discuss them and learn from each other.

You can find common ground, or you can compromise and find a new way. People who practice resistance tend to never compromise or, if they do, they do it without really compromising.

So I find resistance — resisting things — to be my theme. I seem to resist things that I may or may not want, or that I may or may not have ever thought I wanted. I seem to resist people in certain situations, and maybe resist letting go or letting go of control.

Has Your Relationship Hit A Brick Wall

I seem to attract people who have the same issues because of the the law of attraction. I believe in the law of attraction.

The law of attraction is basically that you’re going to find someone with whom you share certain traits, because the two of you still need to learn certain things. It’s the reason why you are put on this Earth together at the same time.

It is so both of you will teach each other and help each other grow. So grow through your resistance or whatever your issue might be.

Now I want to go even deeper. I want you start thinking to yourself about all of the people you have attracted, and about all of the lessons you’ve had to learn. Were you able to blast through that lesson with somebody, or did those lessons repeat themselves with the next person and the next person and the next person you met?

Life is a mirror. You’re going to attract someone who is exactly where you are at right now in your life.

So resistance was the word that came up for me. I am sure if you look deep inside, some of your words might be different. Some of you may not be able to come with any words. I know myself so well that I was able to come up with a word for myself. So take some time to see if you can find a word for you that represents what you have to learn.

The food at Borough Market is always fantastic. I’m such a food guy too, what I really wanted to do was sample some of everything. I wanted one big, gigantic combination plate of the best food that the market has to offer.

I love a good combo platter. You know, when you have a little bit of vegetables, a little bit of protein, maybe a little bit of rice or pasta. Then you get dessert to go with it, you get a little bit of chocolate, maybe something a little salty thrown in there, and then maybe a cookie also.

A combo platter works great, it really hits the spot for me. But what am I talking about here, a combo platter? Go ahead, I want you to think back to all your relationships. You know when you think to yourself, “If only I could combine all of my past relationships into one, I could make the most perfect person to be in a relationship with. If I take a little bit of her here, and a little bit of her over here, and little bit of her too, then I’d have exactly what I’m looking for.”

Men and women, we’re both guilty of it. So many times we go through this process in our heads, especially right when we’re ending a relationship. We think to ourselves, “Man, I was so close! I really almost got it right this time… Now if I could just combine my last two relationships, take the best from each of them and put them in a blender, I’d have the perfect person!”

Here’s the deal: there’s no perfect person in the world. But there are perfect people for you. And every single time you feel this way, that you almost had the perfect person, you need to dig a little deeper. You need to realize that the reason you’re getting close but not close enough is for one reason. The one reason is that you’re not being specific in what you want yet and you’re still learning about what it is you really want. You’re learning whether or not you like the spontaneous-type person, or you like the person who’s highly sexually charged, or you like the person that really likes to stay home and make a wonderful dinner, or whatever it is.

What you’re doing is you’re learning by experience who your particular perfect person is, you’re learning about which person is going to satisfy you the most. In each relationship, you’re learning about the person you’re with and what you really want in a partner, but most importantly, that person you’re learning about the most is yourself.

So enjoy the ride because it’s an amazing process. It would be way too easy if we could just take an arm from somebody, a heart from somebody, a brain from somebody else, beautiful hair from this person, and the body from this other person and put it in a blender and make that perfect delicious puree. But it doesn’t work that way. And that’s a good thing, because you don’t want the instant perfect fix, you never want to skip the process. The process is a wonderful thing, it’s what makes it all worthwhile. So keep digging away in that process, keep learning about the wonderful people out there, and keep learning about yourself.