Years ago, I was vacationing in Boulder, Colorado. One day, after a two-hour massage, I went to Whole Foods for some dinner. As I was walking out, I passed by a gorgeous woman and we had one of those moments. (You know those moments that happen when a woman stares at you and you stare at her at the same time and an extreme sexual chemistry builds up that you can feel? It was one of those.) I smiled at her, she smiled at me, and I continued to my car, ready to leave.

I remember that night like it was yesterday. I got into my car. I started my engine. I backed out, collected myself, and then pulled back into the spot. I looked at my golden retriever Jessie and I said to her, “Be a good girl. I’ll be back in a little while.”

I walked into that market and I walked directly over to that woman and I looked at her and I said, “Excuse me, I must be the biggest fool in the entire world. But I was about to leave just now, and you know what? How many times have I looked and smiled at somebody and continued on and didn’t stop to experience them as a person, or what could have happened between us. I’m not going to do that again.”

We talked for what seemed like ever; we were honest with one another; we went out for coffee until 4:00 in the morning; we had some breakfast; we talked some more. We had unbelievable chemistry.

A couple nights later, she came to my house and we made a barbecue. We got undressed—basically in our little underwear, just like little kids—and we snuggled all night long. All night long we were cozy in bed, spooning, holding on to one another. I never slept with this woman at all, and I was never meant to sleep with her.

What this lesson taught me was that something feels so out of the ordinary, that’s when you go for it. Because what we do, and as people, we constantly go for what we’re accustomed to. That’s why we end up dating the same people over and over again. That’s why we have the same relationships over and over again.

So the next time you feel this intense attraction, you immediately go for it. You speak it. You say you could be on a date and you can look at somebody and just say, “God, you’re hot.” And that’s something you would never say. But say it anyway and see what happens.

Watch how your world changes when you say the things that you never said before, and do the things you haven’t done. Watch how your relationships change and watch your experience change.

And watch how you blossom as a person.

They had good pedigree. They were successful and age appropriate. They were good-looking. They followed up with phone calls. Then all of a sudden—poof—they just vanished.

You’re in shock. You can’t believe that this one went away. You felt like it was the perfect kind of a relationship. You really felt like you were ready for it. You really needed this relationship because you were so tired of dating. You were tired of putting yourself online and having nothing happen. You were tired of going to the parties and heading out to the same bars and restaurants. You felt like this was the one.

Here’s the deal: everything that you’ve ever known about dating is wrong. During those three weeks you never kept a dating journal. See, Mr. and Mrs. Perfect do not exist. What we do when we date is we get caught up in what I call the oxytocin moment. We get caught up in this wave of emotion, like a drug is released in our bodies.

It feels so good to be rescued from being single. But in reality, the warning signs are there from the beginning. I tell everybody in my very new book, Naked, to keep a dating journal, and write down how you feel at the end of each date. How does this person make you feel? Do you feel desired? Do you feel excited? Take it even deeper. Do you keep a journal where you know exactly the way you need to feel in a relationship?

My new book Naked goes really deep into dating. It gets you to fall in love with the most important person in your life: you. Because when it comes down to dating, most of us date based on needs. I need to have a relationship. I need to no longer be single. I need to find somebody different because the last person didn’t treat me well.

What Naked does is it takes everything down to the root and allows you to forgive everything that’s gone on in your life and allows you to embrace all the lessons you’ve learned. But more importantly, it gets you to fall in love with who you are as a person. It allows you to realize that you’re an amazing catch.

Naked is almost 200 pages of daily exercises that help you no longer date out of need, out of frustration, or out of desperation. When it comes to love, in order to find someone to love you the way you need to be loved, you need to love yourself first. You need to take yourself out on dates. You need to do things for yourself. You need to feel amazing and wonderful and you need to strip yourself down of all your fears and become naked. You need to forget about past failures and learn from them.

But more importantly, you need to know exactly what you want going into that date, emotionally. Because when it comes down to dating, all it is is based on feelings. How did you feel at the end of a date? Most of us have never asked that question, because we always date based on wants, needs, and desires.

It’s time to change the way you date. It’s time to get naked.

All the presents have been unwrapped.

By now the parents have driven you crazy. You look around the house and think to yourself, “Okay . . . now what can I return that I don’t like?”

Well it’s too late to return Mom and Dad. I don’t think there’s any store that will take them back, unless there’s a new store called People Depot, where you can return all the parents and friends you no longer want to have around.

Can you imagine that? The day after Christmas, going in and returning all the people in your life you really have no need for anymore? That would be a really interesting thing to do. Walking into People Depot with a cart stuffed with your mom, your dad, a friend you don’t want to be around anymore (who’s got still some wrapping paper in his hair because you unwrapped the gift halfway and realized you just didn’t want it).

And as you walk up to the register, they scan his foot and go, “Nope this person’s not from this People Depot store. He came from Peoplestore.com.” So now you have to rebox everybody back in the box that they came in.

We can’t return people to stores. That’s from some left over Kris Kringle fantasy for those of you who still believe in Santa Claus.

So what are you going to do today? It is the day after Christmas. Everybody’s out and about, shopping, returning gifts, playing, going to the movies . . .you already know exactly what my advice is.
Get out of the house! Head to all the stores and ask people one simple question. One really easy simple question: “So tell me — was Santa nice to you this year? Did you get everything you wanted? And why on Earth would you think about returning a waffle iron? Waffle irons are so cool.”

So go out, be inquisitive, start conversations, and just have fun with people. First things first: Get out of the house. Have a good time.
It’s the day after Christmas. It’s only five days before the most overrated night of the year — New Year’s Eve! Oh boy. I just love New Year’s Eve.
Five . . .four . . . three . . . two . . . one!! Everybody!

The greatest night of the year, New Year’s Eve. Are you going to have the night that you imagined you’ll have? We’ll talk a little bit about the hype and the reality of New Year’s Eve later in the week.

But for today, get out of the house, go return your parents to People Depot, and go strike up some conversations and see what happens.

Christmas is right around the corner, there are a lot of Holiday parties going on right now, and a lot of you younger guys are home for the holidays going out to the bars and seeing old friends…

So you’re out at night doing exactly what I always tell you to do.  You’re enjoying yourself, making your rounds talking to everyone, working the room, never trying to chase or pick up women and letting the ones you’re attracted to come to you.

You’re talking to everyone, having a good time, and pretty soon great things start happening, just like I said they would.  And just like that, you start talking to a REALLY hot woman.

But then the worst thing happens…She’s a total raging bitch.

You know the kind.  She kind of looks at you, raises an eyebrow, and says something really obnoxious, like:

“Um, why are you talking to me?”

“My boyfriend is in the bathroom you know…”

“Yeah whatever, that’s nice… BYE little man!”

What Are You Going To Say To Me?

So in your own head, you’re furious.  What a bitch, you think.  I mean, who does she think she is?  I was just talking and having a good time.  It’s not like I was hitting on her!  Does she really think she’s that great?  She’s not the prize, I’m the prize, you think to yourself.

You want to say something.  Really show her up and give her a piece of your mind.  But now she’s talking to someone else so you can’t just go up and interrupt them.  So you walk away feeling rejected.

And you can’t get that one interaction out of your head, and it’s just ruined your night.

If this is you, you need to change your mindset.  Mindset really is the most important thing.  Because while it is true that you are the prize, you are only the prize if you really believe it.

So here’s what I would do in that situation.

If she comes at me with a really ridiculous statement, I like to be a little immature myself at times, so I’ll play along and be equally ridiculous back.

If she asks me why I’m talking to her, I’ll be honest.  If I thought she was really hot and I wanted to get to know her to see what she was like as a person, that’s exactly what I’ll say.  And I’ll say it with a big grin and a twinkle in my eye.

If she tells me she has a boyfriend, I’ll say something like, “Congratulations, that’s quite the accomplishment.”  Or if she says her boyfriend is in the bathroom, I’ll ask her, “Number 1 or Number 2?  I just want to know how much time I have to flirt with you!”  (I think that’s from a movie somewhere.)

I don’t censor myself and I like to have fun talking to everyone. That’s just my personality. But I also believe that life is all about the people you surround yourself with, and I don’t surround myself with stuck-up, arrogant people.

And after a quick exchange I’ll just walk away.  I’ll smile and say, “Well that was an ‘interesting’ conversation, have a nice night,” and I’m on to the next person.

And that’s it.  A woman who is blatantly rude to me has just selected herself right out of the pool of people I want to spend my time talking to.

And that’s the most important thing you can learn.  You can come up with all the comebacks and cocky little lines you want (it works on some immature girls because, to be honest, only an immature girl would say something like that), but the bottom line is that you need to learn how to dismiss her.  You need to learn how to walk away feeling great about being the better person, and forget about that interaction immediately.

If a woman says something to you that makes you upset, ask yourself why you’re getting so upset.  It’s not your problem that she treats perfect strangers like shit.  No need to try to overcome that attitude.  The last thing you need in your life is a person with a negative attitude who has decided it’s ok to treat people like that.

The way I think is like this: I don’t need to win every time.  I don’t need to teach her a lesson.  There are tons and tons of women out there for me to meet who are both attractive and friendly.  I don’t need to say, “Ha!  You were wrong about me, in your face bitch!”  That’s all ego talking.  I don’t need to change her opinion about me, because I don’t really have anything to prove to her.

It’s all about practicing abundance in every aspect of your life.  An abundant mindset is crucial to developing an attractive personality.  You don’t have anything to prove to anybody, so start acting that way.

This Friday’s blog was going to be another tip from me on navigating the bar scene. I was going to talk about cockblocking, but I’ve been reading some of the recent comments on the blog, and instead I want to write today’s blog in response to some of the comments. We’ll talk about cockblocks next week.

So you’re on the blog reading all this great advice about how to meet women, how to date, and how to get yourself into a relationship. Problem is, when you go out there in real life, you can’t put any of the information we give you to use because you’re not actually meeting anyone. There’s no women around when you go out. Or you can’t approach. Or you do approach but you keep getting No-Thank-Yous.

Why is this happening to you? Maybe you think you’re ugly. Maybe you’re short. Maybe you drive a shitty, beat-up car. So you tell yourself that women are turned off by all of this. They’re so turned off by you. What women are really attracted to is a guy with a full head of hair, 6’2”, and a vacation house in Miami.

Do you have what it takes to get the woman you desire?

And you just can’t compete with a guy like that. You’ve been dealt a shitty hand in life, and all the dating advice in the world isn’t going to change the fact that you’re just not attractive to women.

So you come on the blog and you say, “Screw you David, screw you Shogo, screw Intern Dan, whoever, you give us all this esoteric mindset advice on how to be confident, but all the confidence in the world is not going to make up for the fact that I’m short, fat, bald, and broke, and the cold hard truth is that women are turned off by that.”

You want to attract a lot of women? You want to be a lady’s man? If that’s what you want, here’s the news:

Looks matter. Height matters. Money in the bank matters.

That’s right, all these things–and much much more–do in fact make a difference when it comes down to attracting women. But there’s only so much you can do about any of that. You can’t change it, so why on earth spend another minute dwelling on it?

(And more importantly, all the looks and money in the world will only get you so far in your success with women, but that’s another blog for another day.)

What you need to do is take action and do something about the things that you can actually improve on. And more importantly, you need to let go of the things you can never change about yourself.

You really need to let it go.

You hate your height and you’re bitching about?

Fine. You’re short. I get it.

What do you want from people? Unless you’re willing to go to China to have metal rods implanted into your shins, there is nothing anybody in the world can do about that. There is absolutely no use in you dwelling on the things you don’t like about yourself and beating yourself up over the fact that some woman out there who you don’t even know isn’t going to date you for it.

Is it true that if you’re 5’6”, you will never have a girlfriend who only dates men over 5’10″?

Yes, if that is an absolute requirement for her, that is true. You will never date a woman like that.

Is it true that I, Shogo, will never date a woman who will not go out with an Asian man?

Yes, that is also true. I am Asian. I will never be able to date a woman like that, not for the rest of my life.

The difference with me is that you will never see me sitting around, bitching and moaning about it. I don’t dwell on that for a single moment. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t want me. It doesn’t upset me in the least.

And simply having that mindset automatically makes me more attractive to more women.

Here’s an exercise I want everybody to do:

Get out three sheets of paper. On one sheet, write down all the things about yourself that you don’t like. Take your time with it. And be specific. Don’t just write, “I’m ugly.” Write, “I don’t like the acne scars on my cheekbones.” Write things like, “I don’t like the extra flab on my belly.” “I am 4 inches shorter than I’d like to be.” “My penis is 2 inches shorter than I’d like it to be.” “I don’t like the fact that I have few friends.” “I don’t like my disheveled haircut and dandruff.” “I don’t like my glasses and my dorky wardrobe.”

Write all of that stuff out. Make the list as long as you want and take your time doing it.

Now review that list. Read through each item. On the second sheet, I want you to rewrite each thing that, with some work, you could actually take steps to change about yourself. On the third sheet, rewrite each thing that is a permanent part of you and that YOU CANNOT EVER CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF.

Review that third sheet. Look at it and internalize it. This is who you are. This is who you are for the rest of your life and THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE THAT.

You need to embrace it. You need to love every single thing you wrote about yourself on that third sheet. This is who you are.  These are the things that will never change about you, so fuck anyone who is unwilling to accept you for that. But the first step starts with you accepting yourself and accepting all of your little ugly bits.

You are who you are, guys. We all have things we don’t like about ourselves. Change the things about yourself that you can change, and embrace the things about yourself that you cannot change.

So today check out this fun video I shot on how to overcome one word answers when you first meet a woman or a man.

And keep in mind when watching this video, all the people who were involved in the making of the video were a bit stiff at times.

Check out how I loosen them up.

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How To Overcome One Word Answers

As those of you who regularly follow the blog know, I’ve spent the past couple months apartment hunting. I’ve finally found a place, but damn, what a stressful, time-consuming experience it was. Add to that the fact that I live in New York City, so for every apartment offering that goes up, there are about 10 people searching and ready to jump on a good deal. The end of summer is a total zoo, it seems like everybody and their mother in New York is looking to move to a new place.

I looked at apartments all over the city, everywhere imaginable.  There were some good deals out there, there were some scams and dumps, there were hidden gems, and everything else in between.

I inquired about literally hundreds of apartments over the past few weeks, and looked at over 30 or 40 of them. I put in an application at a few places, had several credit checks, was accepted to every place, and I even laid down a deposit at two places.  Then I’d sleep on it or think about it for a few hours, and later on I would pull out with cold feet. I just couldn’t pull the trigger. Every time there was a place ready for the taking at my fingertips, I always hesitated. I couldn’t just say, “Yes, I’m taking it,” settle on a place, and have the search be done with.

Do You Desire To Be The Perfect Dream Couple?

Why not? Because, in the back of my mind, I had this image that there was some apartment in the city that had to be better than the one I was looking at right then and there. Or the apartment that I was looking at somehow wasn’t as good as the one I’d looked at a couple days ago.

So I’d envision myself living there, where the furniture would go, how I would cook dinners in the kitchen when I had someone over, how we would get up and take a shower, walk to the park, everything. Sure, it looked great but in my mind there was always a place that was just a little bit better than the place right in front of me.

Somewhere, I knew there was an apartment that would meet every specification I was looking for, the one place that was going to be perfect for my lifestyle. (As you know, lifestyle is what I teach, and having a quality lifestyle is essential to me.)

There was always a place with a little more square footage. In a slightly better location a couple blocks down. A block closer to the park. Closer to that cool corner coffee shop. 100 bucks a month cheaper. Slightly newer kitchen appliances. Slightly better water pressure, a little more cabinet space, an extra window with better lighting, better hardwood floors, a cooler-looking building, a little closer to the subway…you name it.

I spent so much time thinking it over, comparing and contrasting places, then at the end of the day I could never finally decide on a location. It really stressed me out. So I’d think it over for a night, then call up the landlord or the broker the next day with my mind made up. “Ok, I’ve decided! I’m taking the place at 101 Main Street! Done, let’s do this. When can I come sign the lease?”

“Oooh, sorry Shogo,” I’d hear, “Someone just came in this morning and signed the lease on it… Tough luck. But I’ve got another place I can show you…”  Of course that new place would then be not nearly as good as 101 Main Street.

The fact is there is no perfect apartment. For everything that was better about the next apartment I would look at, there was always something worse about it than the prior apartments. Sure, this place has a great outdoor terrace that the one I looked at yesterday didn’t have. But it’s eleven blocks away from the cool part of town. This place has brand new kitchen appliances. But no bathtub. An extra room for a home office? Sure, but it’s a 6-floor walkup.

There really is no perfection in life. It’s a lesson I’m still learning. There is no such thing as the perfect house, and in all my experiences dating I can tell you that there is no such thing as the perfect person.

Are you in a relationship, or are you dating right now, and you’re still looking around for someone better than the person you’re seeing? Someone who’s a little better looking, maybe a little smarter, a little more popular, in a little better shape? Are you saving yourself up for that special, perfect person? Are you kind of just going through the motions right now, secretly hoping for him or her to come across your path? And if you do encounter that person, will you be able to seize the moment and act on it?

You may come across that perfect person.  But you night not.  You might be waiting for a long, long time.  And before you know it, you may have missed an opportunity with that great person right in front of you.

Today I’d like you to go out and appreciate another person. If you’re single, go out and start a friendly conversation with someone new, whether you’re attracted to them or not, it doesn’t matter. Really listen to that person and be interested in what they’re all about. And if you’re in a relationship or you’re dating somebody, I want you to look at and appreciate them, even though he or she may not be the perfect person in the world. Maybe he’s not as tall as you’d like, maybe she’s got a couple extra pounds on her. Maybe he talks a little too much about himself, maybe she’s more judgmental than you’d like her to be, whatever it is.

You may come across someone who’s a better match for you down the road, and it’s ok to keep your options open if that’s what you want. But really take some time today to appreciate and enjoy that imperfect person who is right in front of you.

Then all of a sudden, you get in your head. You think to yourself, This is too easy. This can’t be that easy. This woman can’t be attracted to me. If you’re a woman, you think, This guy can’t be THAT into me, the way he’s looking at me. This is way too easy.

Then you start going deeper into your head, circling through all the bad neighborhoods up there. You basically start talking yourself out of the great things that are happening right now. All of a sudden, the conversation changes, the energy changes in the conversation. The attitudes of the people around you change, the way they respond to you changes. And then, it’s over.

They look at you. You look at them. You say, “Hey, it was nice talking to you.” They say, “Yeah, it was.” And then—because you broke the moment—they leave. If you’re a guy, you usually hit yourself over the head at this moment because you got into your head. You say to yourself, I can’t believe I didn’t get her phone number! We were having such a great conversation until I jumped into my head and broke the moment. If you’re a woman, you think to yourself, I can’t believe it! Why didn’t I tell the guy I had a good time talking to him? Why didn’t I just give him my phone number?

Can You Kill The Moment?

When you break a moment because the interaction is going too smoothly, you’ve got what I call “broken moment” mentality. You just can’t believe it could be going down this easily. You can’t believe it’s not as hard as you always thought it was.

So the next time, if you’re a man who breaks moment, look at the woman you’re talking to, look at her during those awkward 30 seconds before you leave, and say, “I’ve got to confess something. I just broke the moment.” She’ll look at you and say, “What?” “I just broke the moment. I was having such a good time and all of a sudden I realized, ‘Man, I’d love to get together with you!’ And I got inside my head for a second, and I basically stopped the train of conversation we were having.” Then you smile. She’ll appreciate your honesty. She’ll appreciate that you’re being real.

If you’re a woman, say the same thing. Say, “This is the moment that I always hate. Is he going to ask me out or is he not asking me out–because I’d love to get together with you. Here, take down my number.”

Whether you’re a man or a woman, you’ve got to put yourself out there. Be vulnerable. Try to be vulnerable when the moment is broken, because most people are so afraid of being real, most people think that the slick, great, Hollywood-movie version of themselves is the version they need to be at all times. But in reality, it’s not.

In reality, all you want to be is real.

Shogo here with another weekend blog!

For all you East Coast people, hope you’re keeping sheltered up for the vicious eye of the tiger that’s headed your way this weekend.

David and I are here in LA this morning getting ready for another amazing boot camp! I just went for a run on the beach, the weather is great out here this weekend, and I can already tell this weekend’s boot camp is going to be an amazing experience for everyone.

No to toot my own horn, but our events are always an amazing experience. Last month a very cool guy who came out to the New York seminar, whose name will remain anonymous, asked me how it is that I am able speak my mind in front of women with ease. He asked me how it’s possible that I can say whatever I’m thinking in the moment and not hesitate or be worried that I’m going to be offensive or sound like a pig.

This was a great question, and something that I want to share with all of you guys. It’s an important topic to address, especially if you’re out not just approaching women, but getting into real conversations, going out on dates, and talking to women in bars.

Shogo In Nightgame Mode

The thing that’s holding back a lot of guys from freeing up and speaking their mind is that they believe their own inner thoughts will be offensive to others. They think that if other people find out what they’re REALLY thinking, especially women, that they will be seen as a huge pervert. A sicko. An asshole who just wants to get in her pants.

So what happens is that guys get all nervous in front of women, afraid that the woman they’re talking to will find out about all those thoughts and all that chatter going off inside their brain, so they make something up. They come up with lines, they try to be funny, they pretend to be cool and disinterested, and then what happens is that they never let their true selves out.

But the fact is that you don’t have to be squeaky clean. If you really want to get good at this, you gotta let your true self out. You have to say what you’re thinking, no matter what ends up coming out of your mouth. You’re not an asshole or a freak, deep down inside you know you’re actually a really great guy, so start tapping into that part of you. You have to trust that part inside of you.

You have to be unapologetic for who you are. If you’ve never been able to get a girlfriend, or you can’t get past the second date, or you constantly get blown off at bars when you approach women, it isn’t because you’re deficient in something. It’s not because there’s some secret pickup information you don’t know. It’s because you’re covering yourself up. You have a hidden agenda when you’re talking to women that you’re interested in—sure she’s attractive, sure you’d like to have sex with her, sure you’d like to get to know her more—but that agenda really needs to come out into the open. And the rest will follow.

You will feel so much better talking to people.

I know that’s probably confusing to some of you right now and you’re wondering what I mean by that.

When I was in Vegas a couple of weeks ago, I was out on a Saturday night with my client. We were walking around and every single woman was wearing her tramp outfit: maybe a short dress, some tight jeans that looked like they was painted on, had some hot color lipstick and mascara from bright red to pink to black, all the bells and whistles. Basically her whole outfit looked like it was spray painted on.

Similarly, every single guy was wearing his male version of the tramp outfit. Every guy seemed to have the same tight T-shirt on or the same Saturday night untucked collared shirt thing going on, with shiny or spiky hair and loads of cologne.

No Need For Makeup

But as far as women go, the fact is that don’t really look your best during those times when you’re all dolled up to the nines. Because for a lot of us men (and I know a lot of guys will be silently nodding right now), we’re attracted to you when you just got out of the gym and you’re all sweaty in your yoga pants not wearing any makeup. We’re attracted to you when you have your hair up and you’re out running errands or you just stepped out to get yourself takeout dinner in a tank top and beat-up jeans.

What I tell women all the time is that if a guy is looking at you, smiling at you, and you don’t think you look your best, he actually thinks that you are looking great. He actually likes the way you look, and you don’t have to spray paint on your best Saturday night outfit to be attractive to him.

So take it as a compliment. A lot of women feel like they’ve got to have their game outfit on or they’ve got to be all made up to look their best. Then when they’re out running errands and a man approaches her, she gets self-conscious or she doesn’t smile and tries to avoid eye contact because she thinks she looks like a mess.

But in reality, ladies, when we’re looking, we’re liking. So even when you don’t feel your best or look your best, look around, smile, and put yourself out there and I guarantee you will see men checking you out all over the place.