How do these things make you feel? How do you feel if someone cheats on you? How do you feel if someone steals your cell phone out of your car? How do you feel if someone slept with somebody else?
We’re getting to the real root of cheaters right now. You’ve been cheated on in the past.
If someone asks you what happened in your past relationship, is your answer something like this: “She was a great girl, but all of a sudden something happened and she started cheating on me. It was ridiculous. I don’t understand why she cheated on me. I did everything for her.”
Immediately, the person you’re saying this to is going to look at you and wonder what made that person cheat on you. When you’re cheated on, it means that there is something that’s not working between the two of you of which you are not aware.
To tell you the truth, I’ve never been cheated on, but I have cheated one time. I know exactly why I cheated on them. It was because the communication in our relationship was dead, over, done. I wasn’t happy anymore.
So if you tell someone on a first, second or third date that you’ve been cheated on, they’re going to really wonder about you. They are going to wonder why you didn’t realize why you were cheated on, and why you aren’t taking responsibility for your part in it.
A lot of people don’t understand that cheating is a two-way street. In order to push someone out the door to cheat, you must be pushing them one way or another.
There’s something that you’ve been doing in that situation. Maybe you were not aware of the person’s needs, wants, and desires. Maybe you wanted more out of the relationship than they did. It could be a number of different things.
So if you’ve been cheated on and someone asks you why that relationship ended, just say “It ended mutually” and leave it at that. As you get to know someone better, you can uncover the depth of your last relationships.
In the first couple of weeks, though, people are judging and looking and evaluating you. It’s not that you want to hide things, but you just want to get to know each other on a fresh face.
You don’t need to tell every negative detail of your past. You don’t need to dump everything about each other in the first few weeks. You want those first few weeks to really bond with each other, to build up the trust, so then you can talk about all that stuff later when you’re in a safe space with each other.
People are still judging in those first few weeks. So the next time someone asks you if you’ve ever been cheated on, just say “You know what? I have been, but it’s no big deal. I learned a lot from that. I really learned that my communication in that relationship wasn’t good and I take full responsibility for it.”
Take the high road in everything. Anytime you take the road of a victim, it means that you don’t know how to communicate properly with anybody else.
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One thing you notice when you get to the breakup point is that you actually fight less with your partner. You fight less because in your mind and in your heart you start detaching yourself from the other person, and you don’t care as much anymore.
You have already made a determination that they don’t understand you, that they will never understand you and that the relationship just won’t work out with them. So, all of a sudden, the incredible anger that were starting fights decrease.
You start walking away from them. You used to feel like she was busting your balls or like he was riding you and not understanding you. Now the minute you get into a fight, you just walk away from it.
The fact that you are on opposite sides of the bed, which used to bother you and keep you up at night, turns into the natural way things are and you are able to sleep with no problem. You go to your side of the bed, they go to theirs, and you both just go to sleep.
You are not up for four hours every night thinking, wondering, feeling and missing them. You just want to go to sleep.
When it hits this point, i.e., when it hits the breakup point, then you need to face the business of breaking up. You know breaking up sucks, but there is only one good way to do it.
When you think you might have hit that breakup point, you must tell the person that you’re disconnecting from them. You need to be honest and raw.
If you don’t think the relationship is going to work or you know you’ve already disconnected based on how things have been going, then you might want to consider walking away for a week. Spend a week without that person.
Go visit some friends or family. Really think about what life would be like without that person. How would you feel without them being there?
When you’re in the thick of things, they never seem to be able to work out. So take a break. Take a walk. Take a week long walk.
Take that week to ask yourself some questions. What does your life look like without them? Do you like and enjoy the way it feels?
Then, after you’ve taken this time, go back and either take a stand for the relationship or break up. Whichever decision you make, you need to be honest with yourself.
Life is too short! There are a lot of wonderful, amazing people out there whom you can meet.
When you take this time to think, be sure to think about what it was like when you first met this person. How did you feel about them before things got so frustrating? Did you feel like they were your soulmate and the two of you were meant to be? You’ve got to dial back into that.
A friend of mine said to me one time, “Pretend you just got amnesia and all of a sudden someone told you the person with whom you are living (or in a relationship) is the person you are going to marry. You would have none of the bad feelings and none of the fights. What would you do in that situation?” What you would do in that situation is try to get to know that person again without all the anger, fights, frustration and history getting in the way.
So maybe take a week to yourself and then a week with that person. Get to know them again and remember the reasons why you fell in love. If you guys can do that, then you might be able to save your relationship.
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Guys send me questions a lot, asking me how I deal with my ex-girlfriends. My answer? It depends.
The crazy ones I let go into the Universe. I said goodbye.
The ones with whom I had a bond, I absolutely kept the friendship going. I love the friendship I have with some of my ex’s. They were great friends to begin with, and I see no reason to throw a five year friendship out the window just because I am no longer romantically involved with them.
We have talked about this subject before, but I really and truly believe that if you are on good terms when you breakup that you can stay on good terms with them for the long term.
It’s important to stay on good terms with people, because you never know where you’re going to be, to whom you are going to need to reach out, and what you’re going to need. Ex’s are good people, so don’t throw them all out.
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Do you know what’s funny about relationships? Let’s talk about something no one seems to want to talk about when it comes to relationships.
When you have a new relationship, you’re just in la-la land. I mean, it is the greatest feeling in the entire world.
You want to tell the entire world how much in love you are. You want to tell everybody you can find that you’re in love. You even tell your friends that this is the greatest person you’ve ever met, and that you’ve never before met anybody like this person.
Everything is perfect in the beginning. You can’t believe that you’ve finally met someone that perfect.
Then, all of a sudden, you have a little problem in the relationship and a crack develops. People ask you how things are with your relationship, and start saying that it’s “okay” or “fine.”
A couple of months later, you have a few more cracks in the relationship. At this point, when friends ask you how your relationship is going, you say “Man, let me tell you how my relationship is. This person became human, and I’m not happy about it.”
At this point, all the petals are off the rose. The other person has actually become who they really are, and you’re finally seeing it for the very first time.
I’m not writing this because I’m anti-love, and you all know I’m full of love. I’m telling you this because this is what happens in a relationship.
Over time you start to see the real person, and you start to think to yourself “Can I be involved with the real person? Is the real person the same person with whom I fell in love or are they entirely different?”
It does happen. People do change over a period of time. Sometimes people don’t grow with you and don’t understand you.
I can tell you when a relationship really hits the skids. You know your relationship has really hit the skids when someone asks you how your relationship is going, and not only do you offer up everything but you also start making fun of the other person.
When you start complaining to anyone and everyone about your relationship, it means that you no longer trust the relationship. Your sacred space is broken and that relationship is on the down swing.
You decide that this is the time you are done with the other person. This other person is no longer that beautiful person you fell in love with at the beginning.
This is now the person who is driving you “up the wall” crazy, and making you feel sick to your stomach every single day. Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Maybe we’re not all feeling sick to our stomachs, but you get the gist.
Relationships have a cycle, so don’t air your dirty laundry all over the place. Realize that relationships ebb and flow.
A really bad warning sign, though, is when you start talking to strangers and telling them that you’re not happy. I see this all the time, because people send me emails like this about their relationships.
When I see emails like this, I say to myself that these people don’t need my help. They need to figure out whether they want to be in their relationship anymore.
Everyone is looking for that one answer to fix a troubled relationship, but th real answer lies within.
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Relationships can really be frustrating. I mean, they’re battles at times. They really are.
You draw battles into relationships due to ego and expectations. So many things can go wrong in a relationship due, very often, to the way you communicate your needs, wants and desires to each other.
There are ways to be sure that relationship battles don’t cause permanent damage. Here are seven ways to avoid relationship disasters (which will also help you take your relationship to an even better place):
1.Have Sex On The Brain?: How much do you think about sex in your relationship? Do you feel like the other person doesn’t do the things you like to do (or doesn’t do them enough)? We all get lazy sexually in our relationships at times. So how do you get the other person to do these things (or to do more of those things)? Well, you don’t look at them and tell them they are doing what you like (or aren’t doing enough of it).
Instead, when they do things you like you need to really let them know. Say things like, “Oh babe, I love the way you kiss me and touch me. It makes me feel good…” Describe the emotions you have and how you feel when they do those things. Doing this will turn the other person on and make them want to do those things to you all night long. Whenever you come from a place of abundance like that, you will always bring you more of what you need.
2.Never Nag: Nagging doesn’t work. Nagging to get the dishes washed, the garbage taken out and the dog walked doesn’t work. Instead of nagging, ask out of love. Say something like, “Hey babe, I’m running late today. Do you mind walking the dog? That would be awesome and would help me out a lot!”
Asking this way is a lot better than asking by saying something like “You know, you never walk the dog. I’m always walking the dog, and I’m running late right now and don’t have time to do it” or “Can you please empty the dishwasher for once? I said I can’t do it right now. Why are you so lazy?” Asking nicely always gets you better results.
3.Learn The Art Of Compromise: Learning how to compromise in your relationship is essential. When you go on vacation, for example, make sure you split up the things you do 50/50 between things you like to do and things your partner likes to do. That way, one of you never feels like you are being dragged around the whole trip. Neither person will feel about the other that “it’s just about you.”
The best way to have real compromise is to find out what each other really wants. In this vacation example, you could say something like “Today I’d love to do this. What would you like to do tomorrow? How about if we make today my day and tomorrow your day (or make half of each day be yours)? That way we can both do things we enjoy.” Real compromise is about coming to an arrangement that makes both parties happy.
4.Be Forgiving Of Family: When dealing with each other’s family, it can be very stressful. You may have old things to mend with your mother or brother or sister which get you tense or upset. Because of this tense feeling, many of us will pick fights with our significant other — the person who are there with us to support us on this tense visit — because we don’t want to act out with our family. So we take out our frustrations on our partner instead.
So the next time you go with your partner to visit your family, write down ahead of time the things you need to do or work through with your family while you’re there. Let your partner help you and see them as being there with you (and for you). You will avoid so many unnecessary arguments.
5.Avoid The Passive-Aggressive Approach: In relationships, one person will sometimes drag their significant other with them when they are going out to meet friends. Then that person will spend the entire night not reminiscing, but bringing up personal things about the relationship in front of the friends. Your personal life is your personal life, and your friends do not need to be privy to all of it.
The way this happens sometimes, is that one person will take passive-aggressive jabs at the other. They will start hinting to the friends about the things they would really love to have in their relationship. This is a very passive-aggressive (and ineffective) way to raise these items.
If you have any personal needs or desires about which you want your partner to know, don’t bring those things up in public and in a passive-aggressive manner. You need to bring these things up with your partner in person and face-to-face. If you want your partner to do more of something, then tell them how much you would love it. Don’t bring it up in front of friends.
6.Don’t Air Your Dirty Laundry: When you get into a fight with your partner, do not tell your family and friends every little detail about it. When you do this, you are actually hurting your relationship. The reason is that even though your family and friends only want to support you, by knowing you had conflict they will judge your relationship and your partner after that.
They will judge your partner based on things you’ve said about them while you were upset or angry. Whenever you are speaking out of anger you will speak with disdain and venom, and often not tell all sides of the story. So keep your personal life between the two of you. It could save your relationship a great deal of unnecessary strain.
7.Do Something Special: In the midst of all these “don’ts,” I also have one “do” that you should do in helping to avoid relationship disaster. Every day, I want you to do at least three special things for your partner. Make them breakfast, walk the dog for them, rub their head, light candles or whatever you know they would really appreciate. Pick things that will make them feel wonderful, needed and warm.
Tell them that you love them. Send them ‘I love you’ texts, or something like that. Understand that the more you reach out to your partner and the more you express your love to your partner, the more intimacy you will have. You also make your relationship stronger each time you do things like this.
So, look at the above list and then at your own relationship. Ask yourself in how many of the relationship-destroying behaviors you and your partner engage. Ask yourself in how many of the relationship-building behaviors you and your partner engage. Then as to any areas you’re falling short, start making changes right away.
Having a great relationship takes work, patience and a lot of understanding. Don’t just give up on one before you work on it. If you do work on it and it still doesn’t work out, then at least you know you did everything you could to not only keep it from falling apart but to make it amazing.
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Do you ever suffer from breathing issues, where you feel like each breath is laboring through your body? Every breath you take hurts. Every step you take hurts.
I am not talking about a case of the swine flu. I am talking about heartache. We don’t ever really talk about heartache.
Do you ever get into a huge fight with your significant other, and you just feel like it’s the end of the world? How about if your significant other breaks up with you, or you break up with them?
You get that deep, heavy heartache feeling. You experience that wave of emotion where you feel like nothing in the world is going to snap you out of it.
That is really hard. Heartache is tough.
Heartache, however, also makes you grow. It makes you stronger as a person. Let me explain why.
You went through a tough time with a relationship. Your heart aches and your heart hurts.
That means that you are actually fighting for something you believe in. It means that you are fighting for the sake of the relationship, because love takes time and it hurts at times.
Heartache is tough. Nobody wants to feel it.
I remember when I was 17 years old and my high school girlfriend broke up with me. It felt like the end of the world. I felt like I was going to just keel over and die. I couldn’t eat or sleep for days, and every breath I took hurt.
So here is a word of advice I want to give everyone who has ever suffered from this type of heartache or who is suffering from it right now. It is actually some of the best advice (and maybe the only good advice) my Mom ever gave me.
She looked at me when I was 17 years old and my girlfriend had just broken up with me and said, “Remember how much you loved this person today. She is not the person for you. All the pain and suffering you are feeling right now is just temporary. It is growth. It is you learning and processing the relationship. It is okay to grieve a relationship. When you are finished grieving it, make sure you learn each lesson from that relationship so you learn more about yourself and don’t repeat things.”
We never talk about heartache here in the blog, but I know a lot of you have emailed me over and over again about relationships ending and about the pain that you feel associated with that. So to all of you, you need to know that the heartache you are feeling is just growth.
Keep you heart open. The longer you keep your heart open in life, the less your heart is going to ache.
You are going to grow, so push yourself through that heartache when you feel it. Realize that amazing thing will come through you if you remain strong.
One of the best ways to get through the pain of heartache is to take time to really reconnect with yourself and who you are as a person. I recorded my own personal journey through this process. CLICK HERE if you’re a man and CLICK HERE if you’re a woman to listen to this.
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You start walking away from them. You used to feel like she was busting your balls or like he was riding you and not understanding you. Now the minute you get into a fight, you just walk away from it. 
it feels? 
