Capture The Conversation
February 18, 2010 
34 Comments
It’s 12:42 pm. You’re in a clothing store at a shopping mall, and you see a woman to whom you are attracted.
You observe what she’s doing, and you find an opener. She’s holding an AC/DC t-shirt, so you know you can walk over to her and say something simple like “Do you like AC/DC?”
So you start to walk over to her. Your heart starts beating faster. Your lip starts quivering. You start sweating, and you feel your face getting flushed.
When you get over to her, you ask her your “Do you like AC/DC” question. She responds, “Yes I do. They are one of my favorite bands.” So, now, what do you say next?
If you get stuck at this point in your approaches, then you are getting stuck in the opener zone. If you weren’t wondering what to say next, and stayed present, you would know there are any number of things you could say next.
You could say something like, “Really? It’s one of your favorite bands? That’s great. How long have you liked them for? That is a very cool t-shirt.” Then you would continue to talk about the t-shirt for the next minute or so.
She was attracted to you instantly because you walked over and actually had the guts to approach her. She told you with enthusiasm that she loves AC/DC, but you did not listen because you got stuck in the opener zone.
Getting past the opener is as simple as listening. When you talk to friends, do talk about the same thing over and over again — the t-shirt they’re wearing or how cool their car is or how much you like the song that’s playing? No, you listen to what they say and you continue the conversation.
Men tend to get stuck in the opener zone with women all the time. The key to avoiding this is to develop your listening skills. Here is a great exercise to do that.
Bring a digital recorder around with you. Record your conversations when you talk to women. Then when you play the conversations back, listen carefully to what the women say in response to your opener and write down what you could have said next based on what she said.
Work on this every single day, and you will start to become a master communicator. Become a person with whom people really enjoy talking, and you’ll be able to get past the opener very quickly.
Doing that every single day could be tough for me as I work like 50hrs a week but its a start.
umm
if walked around with a tape recorder then the girl will probly think im a creepo
That’s my biggest problem now days!
Anthony-Thats why you need to get a undercover tape recorder.
Will this exercise really help me to get rid of all the worst monkey chatter?
Max-
It will really help you become a better listener.
How do you feel about your conversational skills now?
Coach Jacob
in previos blogs david mentions i should follow up to keep the attraction going..should i remember something about every person i talk to just in case i meet them again to follow up??
Coach Jacob- man thanks for your personal touch you have no idea how much I look up to you guys. I still seem to get really nervous around girls, and like David mentioned above my jaw tightens, i get really thirsty, and i just can’t seem to concentrate on the conversation man.
I think it’s also important to remember that part of transitioning away from the opener is to make sure that it’s really a CONVERSATION and that you’re not just asking a stream of questions. Way too many guys miss this point, and women hate the “interviewer” guy.
Anthony
Yes always write down few things you remember about them in a notebook this will help your follow up skills. Have you ever ran into someone you knew you have met before but didn’t know what to say?
Max-
You are still in your head a lot.
I want you to focus less on what you are going to say and more on whats going on in the moment.
And you’re very welcome Max:)
Observation and being in the moment is some of the most important skill-set to acquire.
Coach Jacob
What if im talking to tons upon countelss people for hours a day, u want me to remember something about every single one of them write it down??
thats alot of info
Anthony:
I agree with Jacob that writing down the details of people you meet is a great habit. It will help you in your professional career and in your social life
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The fact that you talk to so many people all the time makes it even more important to write down a few lines (or just a few key words) about the people you meet! Having these references can help you memorize names and people easier, and will allow you to start up conversation with them easily next time. People will really appreciate the fact that you can remember them and remember what you last talked to them about, specially if you haven’t seen them in a while and you can recall a personal detail (e.g. their pet, a family member, etc.)
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Anthony- little things people care to remember goes a long way.
Jacob- i think i really do get in my head too much, and need a change of focus.
Anthony
I agree that’s a lot of people and do the best you can.
And you will need to update us about this when you do this.
My go to line is, “Tell me about…” Obviously each situation is unique, but it’s nice to have a somewhat standard fallback. For example, if I asked the girl if she likes AC/DC and she says they’re her favorite band, I’d probably follow it up with, “So tell me what makes them so awesome.” If a girl has some unique shoes on, it’s easy to just say, “So tell me about these shoes you have on.” Unless she’s a total bitch, there’s no way she can answer that in one word, which I like. Maybe I’m crazy, but I like asking questions that don’t really have a specific answer.
And Jacob, I like how you ask, “How do you feel…” a lot. Normally my interactions with girls are too playful to really be asking a serious version of that question, but I’ve been using it anyways. It’s another one of those great questions that gets a girl talking and requires at least a couple sentences in response.
My birthday is Wednesday though, so my current favorite question among girls I know is, “So what kind of cake are you baking me for my birthday?” That question has a correct answer (a cheesecake), but it’s still a great one to ask.
Collin–good observation on how Jacob uses “how do you feel”. Guys…that is a way to a woman’s heart is to be in touch with her feelings. Also, get personal! It’s fine to open with the ACDC shirt but don’t stay on the darn shirt for 5 minutes. Quickly move into her feelings about the shirt and then SHARE a story about yourself perhaps when you saw them in concert. Connecting with feelings, sharing stories and getting personal will all help make you memorable and create an instant connection so she’ll want more!!!
What you can do to record yourself is get the ipod touch with the hearphones or without them and just put the memo thing. It records your voice so it should also record hers.
I have conditioned myself to talk to others as if we walked in together and we have known each other for years. What this does is makes things more relaxed, fun and almost eliminates the need for thinking about openers. Simply say to that person what you would say to a friend. When we are with a friend we express our thoughts without fear of being rejected or critiqued. Also, if there are little old ladies or small children there many times I will talk to them before the girl. I find that this makes you more attractive in her eyes.
Collin
Happy early birthday greetings and enjoy the cheesecake:)
Hahaha thanks Jacob. If I don’t get any, it’ll be quite humbling, but until then I’m going to believe that there will be 4 or 5 waiting for me.
Collin
I get the feeling you will get plenty with the belief you have:)
Collin,
Is your birthday next Wednesday or last Wednesday, Feb 17. My girlfriend’s birthday was this past Wednesday. She had a blast with my surprise dinner party!
Jacob, as corny as it sounds, you gotta believe to achieve.
Khiem, mine is next Wednesday the 24th
Oh, and fun story time. I got a text from a girl asking me if I wanted to go to dinner tonight. I had to turn her down because I already have a date tonight. Boo yah!
Man I went out today to pick up after the girl i was going to the mall flaked on me. and it was bad. I just said to one girl “Hey how’s it going”. She just laughed at me and kept on walking. After that we were playing a game and they were just there checking my friend and I. After that we encountered them outside and I just went up to them and said, “Hey guys I have to tell you something, I was gonna walk off and go to my car. but I would just have told my friends that I saw these 2 girls and I couldn’t even say hi. So there you go, thank you.”
I just left after that. It was a bad day man. If you guys could tell me wat I did wrong??
Collin
Its pretty cool we both have the same birthday:)
And I liked the fun story time.
Happy B-day Jacob & Collin.
It’s a good thing we’re not in the same town Jacob. If we both went out on our birthday, the ladies wouldn’t know what hit them, and the men wouldn’t know what to do with themselves.
As for fun story time, I might have been better off with the second girl. My actual date showed up 30 minutes late, which meant the dinner I made was getting cold. She had a decent reason, but I shouldn’t have had to call her to get it. We went to a semiformal afterward, and the whole time she kept trying to take the lead from me. I love a strong woman, but this was a little much. She’s definitely used to wearing the pants in her relationships, I guarantee. Then she left early to take care of a drunk roommate. I’m sure I can get a dinner out of it (“You showed up a half hour late, didn’t even call about it, and then left early. How can you not owe me dinner?”), but unless she changes her tune, I very highly doubt I’ll want to see her after that.
On the positive side, I talked and danced with several more girls after Jessica left. Sure they had dates, but I was more interesting than those guys and willing to dance. I felt a little like a dick for it, but, one, it’s mostly their fault for being boring, and two, sulking in the corner wasn’t an option.
Mario, When I go to a store or a mall it is to purchase something. In the process I meet people. I would avoid walking around on the prowl without browsing or having a shopping bag in hand. It does not look good in her eyes! A while ago,I was in a book store and I happened to notice a girl that I know that was recently divorced. She was obviously there to meet guys(I teased her about it). But she didn’t make it one bit obvious. Learn from them!! Also, David has said on more than one occasion that girls want to tell their friends the story how they met the guy. I’m sure that you agree that “hey,hows it going” does not make a good story. Be fun,be playful,be creative! This is their game and you must learn to play by their rules!
If I’m 18, I have no problems talking to people when I’m with at least one person, no matter who he/she is but I have problems when it comes to street aproaches or random stuff or…girls that are really really my type not just “yea she’s cute”. I have the guts if someone dares me but when I’m alone I think to myself I look silly doing this
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Anyway I think it’s a start that I can actually do this now…After a person gets to know me , she usually is atracted…the getting to know each other is hte hardest thing for me…Cause I first project an image of a cocky,untouchable guy…That’s how ppl see me.They don’t know that I have monkey chatter
Mike man thats exactly how I feel. I’m okay at meeting people but I can’t by myself. Usually when I have someone dare me, I come out with results. Me by myself, I just can’t push myself. I need someone to be there to push me. Its bad because I know that I need to gather the right mindset.