Can A Long Distance Relationship Really Work?
September 2, 2010 
12 Comments
Are long distance relationships really realistic? To tell you the truth, I think long distance relationships are fantasies.
Let’s say you meet someone on vacation. You fall for them in two days.
Then after the trip you have hot phone calls, texts and emails with them. Every time you see them on the weekend, everything is perfect. Everyone is on their best behavior. The sex is great.
The whole weekend is great. It’s like going on vacation with somebody over and over and over again.
The only way you can really get to know somebody, though, is to see them every single day. You need to see what they’re like after a long day of work. You need to see how they are in the middle of a regular work day.
Relationships are difficult to begin with, but long distance relationships tend to be fantasy-driven. Now, there are long distance relationships that are successful.
Most of the ones that I’ve known about or seen, however, do not end up lasting long-term. When the people finally are together in the same place, they are often broken up within a month because they finally start to experience what each other is like and how each other behaves on a daily basis.
Remember, when you’re in a long distance relationship, you are just seeing each other on the weekends. You really are always on your best behavior every time you’re together.
It’s hot and passionate every time you meet. You look forward to seeing that person every time. In fact, you usually can’t wait to see that person. It’s sexy.
You think about them on the airplane. At the end of every weekend when you leave each other, you spend the next week thinking about how amazing the prior weekend was. You spend all week thinking about how you can’t wait until the next weekend.
The problem with this is that you never get to see the “nitty gritty” daily stuff. You don’t get to see the bras and panties hanging on the shower curtain rod. You don’t get to see his dirty underwear thrown on the floor. You don’t realize that neither one of you actually never clean up when you’re alone.
That is why long distance relationships are tough. I always truly believed that you are better off hunting in your own neighborhood.
This is very true for a brand new relationship. It is impossible to have a “normal” relationship, this way. However, what about relationships that start “normally” and for one reaon or another, become long distance relationships? I always feel sorry for the soldiers deployed overseas. Often their girlfriends, or wives, will cheat, or find someone else, after a short time, even hiding it from their men, so as not to hurt them. I believe long distance relationships are much easier for a man to maintain, than a woman. Women have strong emotional needs, that need to be met almost daily. It is very difficult for them to satisfy them, with an absent mate. Where as men can remember, talk about, and even dream about their woman, and be content with an occasional call, or letter. What do you think?
I am on vacation in the Caribbean right now(almost over). I adopted the mentality that every woman I meet, if it somehow clicks between us, it’s just going to be a short-term fun booty call thing.
In my case long distance relationships, especially overseas is difficult. You only get to see each other every six months. In my case, because I am a student and I live in the Netherlands. Much better dating someone who lives in my area.
I think the ones that stem from vacations, etc are indeed fantasies. They can be fun for a while, but there are too many reality obstacles in the way to make them work beyond a traveling booty call.
I view a lot of long distance relationships as defense mechanisms. There are obviously exceptions to this, but a lot times it seems people hold onto these long distance relationships to ward off other potential dates,to conveniently avoid the “tough” dating world, or because the participant(s) are in denial that any relationship that ever existed is over. Actually there are many potential reasons: fear of true connection with someone locally; to boost self esteem by fooling yourself that you’re in a meaningful, lasting relationship; because you feel others expect you to be in a relationship; not sure how to function in a “real” relationship; you crave the attention of having people ask you about your partner (who barely exists); you get the esteem boost by turning down weekend plans because you’re traveling to wherever to meet your partner; you get the esteem boost to brag about jetting to wherever to be with your prince/princess charming. Whatever the reason and whatever our intentions, long distance relationships are tough.
There are so many potentially suitable partners out there. He/she could be right down the road. Let’s meet them!
I think it can only work if it is already long-term before it becomes long-distance, and only if there is a definite date that it goes back to being local. I’ve seen plenty of friends study abroad for a semester and maintain a relationship back in America. Both sides know it’s only for 4 months, and they had been together for a while beforehand. Oh, and Skype helps.
Trying to keep something going with a girlfriend in Detroit while I was in Atlanta, and we could only see each other once a month? That was a disaster. The sex was amazing though…
Well although I agree with you guys in general….
It can be done.
In fact I have given a chapter of my new book ‘Cost of Dating: The Real Cost and How to Turn These Costs into Investments’ (due out any day now) over to a particular testimonial from one of my ex-students who met her partner on FB. They are coming up to their 1 year defacto anniversary after living on opposite sides of the country when they met.
I know of a few other examples, where for extended periods people have lived in different countries, and these are all from different age groups – late teens, late 30′s, early 40′s and 60′s/70′s!!!
Extremely difficult at times … however perhaps we all need a few obstacles in our way to make the relationship worth fighting for….
Another useful bit of dating advise is to manage your expectations. If you expect too much out of one date, or of the person you are dating, it’s likely that you will be discouraged by the results.
I enjoyed the post! I have been looking for a serious relationship on the internet for awhile now and have finally found a long distance one! Yours is one of my favorites!
hmmm… i met someone really great online. i only wanted to say hi, and somehow we turned out to be soulmates. she lives in dixie, i live a bit more south of the border. hopefully, we’ll meet soon. bringing her into 3-D reality would be better than winning the lottery.
I did distance relationships for a bit, one lasted almsot two years. It was a wonderful chance for the person I was at the time (young, inexperienced and unable to hold down a local girlfriend for over a month) to have things bumped down to slow motion and learn about the foundations of the dating world and myself. I found that after a time I naturally started to gravitate into the real dating world and I wouldn’t trade it for anything… like most any less than ideal situation distance dating can be used as a tool
for self discovery and improvement. I have heard of distance relationships working however one factor is key: There must be a mutual drive to have a long term relationship and meet asap, a date must be set as soon as possible… only then does it have a chance of success… also watch out for falling into the trap of distance dating and getting stuck there, not growing yourself and not being truly happy. One of the comments above on the excuses distance dating can be used for was bang on!
-Joseph
Collin I agree that long distance relationships need a strong base, having spent some time together. But in general it’s difficult.
I have had two quite long-lasting LDR’s (Long Distance Relationship; sounds good huh?) and they both didn’t work out in the long run. One of them was even across continents. Now that is just hard to handle on a day-to-day basis. And we both nearly died everytime we had to go our separate ways after seeing us for a few days.
I don’t do LDR’s anymore. Just because I don’t want all the hassle and pain involved. I want a relationship to be fun everyday, and I love to spend quality time with the person i’m in love with. And this is only possible face to face.
Okay, met a girl on three ocassions when she was in my city. Attracted physically to her as 6/10 and mentally as a 10/10. Keep in contact through instant messaging every night for half an hour and phone calls ocassionally. Want her to move to my city and in with me when we both graduate high school next year. Still have a year to go. Does anyone think this relationship will work out? especially when we will be living to together, going to uni and working??
right now i am away at college, and i am 3 hours away from my boyfriend, who is still a senior in high school. lately i have become annoyed with him and keep picking fights with him for no reason. im not sure if i want us to break up though, we have only been dating 4 months and i met another guy but i havent cheated. i think that if we broke up id miss him, but at the same time i might want to give it a shot with this other guy
advice?
thanks