Build Me A Relationship
March 1, 2009 
22 Comments
As all of you are winding down your weekends, and may have been met someone over the weekend, I thought that today (Sunday) may be a good day to talk about relationships. Enjoy your Sunday!
Let’s talk about building a relationship. It’s really interesting. So many people don’t understand how to build a relationship.
Of course people always come to me seeking advice on how to meet someone, but the question is what do you do once you do meet someone? Whether you’ve just met someone you really like or whether you’re already in the process of dating, how do you build a relationship up so that it’s strong enough to really work out and last?
The most important thing to do to achieve this is to make sure you have open lines of communication. If you are dating someone now, then ask yourself this: Do you do recaps with each other? Something I find really important to building a relationship is as much as possible to recap everything that’s happening between the two of you.
Talk about things. Talk things through.
You know, it’s interesting, because I was dating a woman one time who was definitely a little more conservative than I was sexually. So in order to really to get her to open up sexually with me, we created open lines of communication about sex and really talked about it. You know what happened? She not only opened up sexually with me, she opened up amazingly.
Another time I was dating someone who was really uncomfortable communicating about almost everything. She really was not comfortable communicating about things, especially feelings and emotions. So what I had to do was to make a very safe haven for her to talk about things and to share things with me. Once I did that, she did open up and shared amazing parts of herself with me.
So if something is bugging you, don’t be afraid to talk about it with the new person you’re dating. Opening up the lines of communication like this is the only way you can get in touch with each other, and really start to learn about each other.
Don’t be afraid to say things that are on your mind, because they’re going to find out sooner or later anyway . . . plus, it’s better to find out as much about someone as soon as possible. Think about the alternative. Otherwise six months could go by before something is out in the open, which is six more months that you both have invested your hearts into the relationship and each other.
My suggestion, then, is to go and really open up a distinct line of communication with the person you’re dating. Be open. This will not only make it more likely that you will be able to build a strong relationship, but it will enable you to create a deeper connection and unique bond with each other.
So communication is really, really important to building a strong relationship. It’s very important to have open lines of communication at all times, because when you do you are able to establish a relationship that keeps getting better and is better than any relationship you’ve had in the past.
Great blog David! I remember discussing the importance of communication in virtually every psychology class I’ve ever had.
It’s just important to lay down the groundwork right away people can be so defensive unless you from the start have said it’s important for you often can sit down and let some air out.
Almost as important as a date night is to have a let the “steam” out date kind of night. Misunderstandings happens so fast in any kind of realtionship.
With my kids at home we use a magnetic whiteboard where we with magnets can communicate how we are feeling. We have one for morning, Day/school, afterschool/dinner. We each get three magnets with happy faces on. So without talking we can judge with ourselves how the different parts of the days went. Ha ha Mom still has not gotten 3 happy faces with her special section car driving..but the kids really want to give it to me it’s cute but they just get carried away in a small confined spaces. Even my 3 years old uses it. Then at dinner we will take the board and go over one by one why no magnets why 2 how do you think you could have gotten 3. Sometimes it’s hard for people to say today I had a hard day because this and this. When you start with being able on your terms to judge your day then later it’s much easier.
In psychology this is often used with various different emotions on the magnets, it’s actually a danish person who invented the system and it’s often used in therapy.
Talk about overthinking…
Start from the ground up get to know each other as friends then allow the relationship to grow into what it may become. Don’t rush it.
In other words when a person is with a guy lets say two months don’t be dreaming of a wedding and children just yet. Allow him to come to his own terms as well in the relationship. Be there for each other be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I have been with guys that do cry. I believe that you should have a time where you should speak what is on your mind at the time. But do it in a respecting way not to offend the other person. Don’t get me wrong but once I get to know you and feel comfortable around you I can be one hell of a talker. It does not matter what the subject is but people have a way of letting themselves go and not letting it built up inside. When a friend tells you something in confidence don’t go and discuss it with your best friends that is how friendships are broken. And do not go to your friends seeking validation of the relationship what is shared between two people should remain as such.
Amen! The least successful relationships in my life have always been the ones where there was a lack of open communication. Having different interests, backgrounds, beliefs, etc. was never the problem although those things often took the blame. Neither was it required to know every single detail of past relationships or painful life experiences. Everyone deserves to have privacy – even in a committed relationship. I like the concept of a “judgment-free zone” where people can talk about what is on their minds without fear of any kind. It seems that many men I’ve met have never experienced that and are surprised to find that such a state can exist or is even possible.
Setting the stage from the outset sounds like a great plan. Who’s up for that?
Oh there is something that I want to add. Something my daughter brought up to me and it seems to happen in some relationships.
When two people are married and all of a sudden their calling each other names and the guy wants sex to solve the marital issues what is a woman to do? Well the guy needs to put themselves in the woman’s shoes for a minute and think what am I putting her through yes we are going to cry if you upset don’t call us a kid. How about the guy does he care enough to just drop the subject. Where is the trust in all of this? Calling people names and wanting sex does not mix for their mindset is not on making love but wanting to be placed on the defensive. How did a person get arguing out of sex. Then if you don’t want sex with this man then he wants a divorce then he says hey you are my wife you must have sex with me. This seems like it is a controlling situation coming from the man. Just Curious…..this is not the type of relationship that I want to build with a man. I want a trusting loving individual where we can see eye to eye.
David,
Great blog once again!
K,
I like what you said about the “Judgment-Free Zone.” Good idea.
I like this blog – very insightful.
I feel to many of the guys out there are trying to seek the womens approval in the early stages of the relationship as to try and please her, which is all wrong. Many of you are doing this in the first 2 minutes of an interaction. The guys should be acting as strong individuals on their own purpose in life and doing exactly what they want to do. And as long as that guy is leading a purposeful life with meaning then any women would be happy to orient herself around that man in order to make his life even easier. Guys stop acting like boys chasing women and instead start acting like men that attract women.
To add to my comment
When does a guy want to kick the woman around and use her for a human punching bag? This guy is acting like a caveman! That is why I got away from guys that want to argue to prove a point. What kind of relationship do they need? That is why us women want to leave you guys with attitudes. Then want sex afterward get a life our get a divorce and find a man to put your grievances on. Or are they man enough?
Sandra,
Go to the local authorities and report domestic violence, on you or a loved one. There is no shame for a woman to try to stay alive.
Sandra, this guy is an example of who guys like me desperately try and avoid being confused by.
Why does Rihanna stay with Chris Brown? She doesn’t know any better and believes his insecure lies.
Why do men hit women when women say no to sex to fix an argument? Because men who do that are cowards and rather than deal with their emotions, they hide behind their macho bravado. Men like this won’t learn and I would advise staying away and listen to j-dude. When it gets to be too much, there are laws and standards of human behavior that we all have to listen to.
I have a question.
Seeing as how this blog created a air of silence from the males who post, I want to ask something that might be on their minds.
Say you are just starting to build a relationship with someone and you want to share that information with friends and family. What is information you would share with your female friends, versus information you would share with your male friends? I don’t really want people to know all about the details. I don’t want to tell people the end of the movie, if I haven’t finished watching it yet. But I do want them to know I saw a really good trailer and I’m seeing the movie next week? I never describe a movie like this, “well I was watching the trailer and this chick came out and they showed her taking her top off and I want to see that movie because I want to see if she actually does take her top off.” No, instead, I say something like, “Well, I saw a trailer for a movie and it had this storyline that really spoke to me and to what I look for in my favorite movies.”
Men want to brag, but I don’t want to dishonor a friend and her privacy because I want to share that experience with others. I’m not going to give away the details but I do want my friends to feel inspired to go out and find their own movie to watch.
Follow up question. Do my metaphors get a little too weird?
I absolutely agree with what j-dude said! All women in those situations should do that.
During my more depressed years I had a job at a pizza place.
At said pizza place, much like a video store I worked at, there was frequently customers who didn’t understand the complexity of the job when done right and could only remember the bad expriences they had with bad service. So, in essence, people would come into the restaurant expecting bad service and would treat their trained waiter like they were expecting that.
It was frustrating for me since I could run an 18 table section with no busboys or food servers, during a mad bar rush, and have les than 5% of the food come back. And I could do that because of how well my mind worked.
So, during this job, I also had to answer phone orders and field customer complaints. When the floor became a too easy even with 18 tables, I needed more to do, so this seemed natural.
During my time on the phones, I would get so frustrated at difficult customers who didn’t respect the work that I did, I would sometimes very insecurely take it out on the phone customers in an act of defiance and rudeness. They weren’t affecting my tips and I felt the need to preach.
The delivery aspect of the restaurant was terrible because the shop was a super late night spot and drunk people would get home and call our spot. So add in a drunk factor to what was going on and there were plenty of opportunities to scream at people and bully them on the phone to shut up and wait for your damn pizza or cancel it so I can get a driver to go to a place where they respected their pizza being delivered.
Well, wouldn’t you know it. One day I told that to a guy who got really offended. I could tell he was mad but because I had the phone between me and him, I pushed it a little too far and told him if he hated the service he could come down and talk to me outside about it.
Now, I’m a good Canadian and we enjoy a hockey fight as much as the next guy but I’m not a physical confrontation type of person at all. I may be huge, and I may know how to fight, but I’m not really big on healing from wounds. So, I was surprised when this guy hung up the phone and marched down to our restaurant in the middle of the night and he looked like an ex-marine with a slight beer buzz fueling his rage attack. He was ready to just plaster me all over the wall and didn’t care.
I quickly talked him out of it, gave him a free pizza and went back to work. I also stopped giving bad service on the phone.
The metaphor here is that guys who hit women are hiding behind a phone. They think that because a woman won’t pick up a phone to settle the dispute with the real muscle, the cops, that they can feel justified in their action.
For all women who get invovled with these types of guys, don’t be afraid to pick up the phone. If the cops are too intense, start with one of hundreds of organizations out there that are for women with domestic issues.
That’s my two cents for the day.
And also with what a.movie said. There’s way too much bravado and “machismo” and whatever else you want to call it. Some of it is cultural and environmental. Young boys who grow up seeing their dads beat up their mothers eventually accept it with the mistaken belief that’s the norm and what all men should do to “prove who’s the boss around here.”
And in the inner cities where a certain kind of music has popularized the BS idea that “You gotta slap yo hoes an bitches around to be da big dog, dog! To be a true gangsta.” So cowards like Chris Brown and others like him are really just punks with guns who need a good ass-kicking. If they want to take their aggression out on someone, they should get in the ring or octagon with Rashad Evans or George St. Pierre.
But they wouldn’t last a minute against a real tough guy and they know it. So instead they think they can get away with pushing and knocking around their women. The epitome of insecurity.
Great article, David.
Communication in a judgment-free environment is a great foundation to any growing relationship.
Thanks everyone for your advice. When my daughter has had enough she will come home or I might just have to do the inevitable go up there. We have sent her a plane ticket and anytime she wants to use it she can. As far as abusive he has not touched her yet. But I have been told that mental abuse is worse than physical abuse. But I do agree she needs to come home. May can not get here quick enough
Mike
Men who hit women to me are Pussies for they wont take a real man on for size. These guys know which side their bread is buttered on.
And one thing I will add to this blog: If he beats up on his wife what will he do the children involved in their relationship. My last husband threatened me and here I had two daughters I was thinking okay if you do this to me what are you going to do with them. That does put a thought in one’s mind. So I got to thinking this guy has to go for at that time I had a underage daughter.
Here is a question for everyone: can two people in a relationship be truly open to one another, i.e. being truly vulnerable? On one hand I am trying to do more this in my life, but on the other hand feel that there are some things that can be private and kept to ourselves. Should we communicate everything?
Open line of communication… ahhhhhh… that’s so important.
I think by opening ourselves up to one another is the only way you’ll keep the emotional connection growing and lasting.
I mean besides the sexual chemistry, it’s so crucial to align ourselves with our partner… we need a common direction together.
I like to say that relationships are our opportunity to create something together… but then… we got to talk about it, right?
My ex-girlfriend used to tell me all the time: Sometimes I feel you should just know what I want… or expect.
Well girlfriend, how am I supposed to know if you don’t tell me?
“My ex-girlfriend used to tell me all the time: Sometimes I feel you should just know what I want… or expect.
Well girlfriend, how am I supposed to know if you don’t tell me?”
AMEN to that Kheim! 100%! On the one hand I think men should know their gf pretty well if they’ve dated a long time or wife if they’ve been married a while. But still, we’re not mind readers and they shouldn’t expect us to be. And with all due respect to the ladies here, women can be really complicated, with a tendency to contradict themselves and change their mind very very often. And the way she was feeling about something or anything yesterday or last week or last month might be very different from now. Or 2 minutes from now.
Especially if it’s a certain time of the month.
“But honey, I thought you liked red shoes.”
“That was LAST week you idiot! You men are all so fuckin simple!!”
Tony,
Just as there are hollow men out there so are there girls…There are a lot of real girls out there who really act’s as human beings.
Yes and we will date a mediocre man just because he has an amazing personality, every thing he says turns every little light on inside us. When was the last time you guys, no offense just dated a girl on her personality and not looks…Ups
It’s about looking at the soul of the person, when you guys reach that point you will not have to deal with that kind of girls. Ever thought about it that way have you ?
lmao. when did chris brown become a “gangster?”