Comments on: Beware Of Your Expectations http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/ Sex. Relationships. Dating. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Sat, 21 Nov 2009 09:04:02 -0600 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: moremoney http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/#comment-25413 moremoney Tue, 31 Mar 2009 06:16:46 +0000 http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/?p=846#comment-25413 just wanna say hello to you,my friend just wanna say hello to you,my friend

]]> By: Dragonclaw http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/#comment-21479 Dragonclaw Mon, 12 Jan 2009 07:43:17 +0000 http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/?p=846#comment-21479 I have developed my own notion: Do not set self expectations, set acheivable goals. The thing with self expectations is that they are a product of the ego and often misjudged. You weigh yourself down with expectations which in turn produce even more anxiety and fear. You become you own worst contestant. I have developed my own notion:

Do not set self expectations, set acheivable goals.

The thing with self expectations is that they are a product of the ego and often misjudged. You weigh yourself down with expectations which in turn produce even more anxiety and fear. You become you own worst contestant.

]]> By: M http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/#comment-21429 M Sat, 10 Jan 2009 23:39:46 +0000 http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/?p=846#comment-21429 I think in the past, I definately put people into fantasies but in my defense that is entirely how my mind works. I am always creating and part of creating for me is fantasizing. I understand it isn't the truth now, but my work (which is speculative fantasy in nature) keeps me believing in all of my dreams. Now, I enjoy the moments but I'm afraid of the ones I haven't experienced so I panic. I also went through a long and difficult period of depression. This led to me creating a dual persona for a while. Sometimes I would act like a positive and focused person and other times I spent deliberately trying to sabotage all of the connections I had, friends, girlfriends, family, everything. I pulled myself slowly out of that hole (all you other depression sufferers can relate) and I have been symptom light for some time now. But another revelation would be I used to be afraid that a connection that ended would push me into a depression and I would avoid connections because I thought I was avoiding depression. Well, funny thing about feeling depressed... It sneaks up on you and if you are afraid of it, that invites it in to your experiences. I lived with it for three years and I don't ever want to go back. Therapy has been great to develop strategies to avoid those feelings and I feel confident moving forward but I still have associations with depression, rejection and fear that has firmly latched itself on to how I feel about connecting with someone on a deeper level. Mike I think in the past, I definately put people into fantasies but in my defense that is entirely how my mind works. I am always creating and part of creating for me is fantasizing. I understand it isn’t the truth now, but my work (which is speculative fantasy in nature) keeps me believing in all of my dreams. Now, I enjoy the moments but I’m afraid of the ones I haven’t experienced so I panic.

I also went through a long and difficult period of depression. This led to me creating a dual persona for a while. Sometimes I would act like a positive and focused person and other times I spent deliberately trying to sabotage all of the connections I had, friends, girlfriends, family, everything. I pulled myself slowly out of that hole (all you other depression sufferers can relate) and I have been symptom light for some time now. But another revelation would be I used to be afraid that a connection that ended would push me into a depression and I would avoid connections because I thought I was avoiding depression.

Well, funny thing about feeling depressed… It sneaks up on you and if you are afraid of it, that invites it in to your experiences. I lived with it for three years and I don’t ever want to go back. Therapy has been great to develop strategies to avoid those feelings and I feel confident moving forward but I still have associations with depression, rejection and fear that has firmly latched itself on to how I feel about connecting with someone on a deeper level.

Mike

]]> By: M http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/#comment-21428 M Sat, 10 Jan 2009 23:31:22 +0000 http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/?p=846#comment-21428 David, I often feel like I am not much of an authority on what I want, or appreciate in a relationship. But I really like what you said in your last post on this topic, and I can think of a lot of the female friendships I have had and what made them special to me. Based on that, I can think of what I like. I think relationship is such a terrible word because it tries to be so many different things to so many different people. I prefer the word connection. I already live in the moment more than anyone I've ever met, but I haven't always enjoyed the moment I've been in. That realization came before I found your site. I have blocks and I am working through them at my own pace but everything I do reflects my joy for being a part of this world and all I want to do is give that feeling back in my work and find people who have the same drive and passion for life and the artistic pursuits we all have to celebrate that feeling. The female friend that I was the most attracted to was in a relationship and we stopped hanging out because she realized she was developing feelings for me and it was tough on her. I just liked hanging out with her. I kept telling her that it would be awesome to meet someone like her, but single. I had no expectations but I had to tell her how I felt. My runner-up was more messed up about relationships than I was but we had a lot of fun together as friends. She wound up creating negative expectations about me that weren't true and when she realized they weren't true she devised a plan that she knew my values would interfer with so I had to stop associating with her. Those two are the most recent ones and the ones that I would say reflected most about what I want with a deep connection, since both of those connections, while based around friendship were quite deep and meaningful to both of us. I used to use my fears to keep the other parts of a deep connection away from my life and moving forward I realize that I have to enjoy all of the parts of meeting someone new, even the ones that are unfamiliar and alien to me and the way I've lived my life. Mike David,

I often feel like I am not much of an authority on what I want, or appreciate in a relationship.

But I really like what you said in your last post on this topic, and I can think of a lot of the female friendships I have had and what made them special to me. Based on that, I can think of what I like. I think relationship is such a terrible word because it tries to be so many different things to so many different people. I prefer the word connection.

I already live in the moment more than anyone I’ve ever met, but I haven’t always enjoyed the moment I’ve been in. That realization came before I found your site. I have blocks and I am working through them at my own pace but everything I do reflects my joy for being a part of this world and all I want to do is give that feeling back in my work and find people who have the same drive and passion for life and the artistic pursuits we all have to celebrate that feeling.

The female friend that I was the most attracted to was in a relationship and we stopped hanging out because she realized she was developing feelings for me and it was tough on her. I just liked hanging out with her. I kept telling her that it would be awesome to meet someone like her, but single. I had no expectations but I had to tell her how I felt. My runner-up was more messed up about relationships than I was but we had a lot of fun together as friends. She wound up creating negative expectations about me that weren’t true and when she realized they weren’t true she devised a plan that she knew my values would interfer with so I had to stop associating with her.

Those two are the most recent ones and the ones that I would say reflected most about what I want with a deep connection, since both of those connections, while based around friendship were quite deep and meaningful to both of us. I used to use my fears to keep the other parts of a deep connection away from my life and moving forward I realize that I have to enjoy all of the parts of meeting someone new, even the ones that are unfamiliar and alien to me and the way I’ve lived my life.

Mike

]]> By: lionking http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/#comment-21414 lionking Sat, 10 Jan 2009 18:32:22 +0000 http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/?p=846#comment-21414 I remember my co worker asking me if I am looking for a perfect love? My answer was I am not a perfect person either why should I look fpr one? I remember my co worker asking me if I am looking for a perfect love? My answer was I am not a perfect person either why should I look fpr one?

]]> By: Sandra Hutchens http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/#comment-21366 Sandra Hutchens Sat, 10 Jan 2009 03:32:33 +0000 http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/?p=846#comment-21366 Allow the guy to come to his own reality and decide for himself where the relationship is in his own mind. Don't rush into things and do what I did. I went from one marital/divorce stream after another. Then I got into my head I don't want to see that divorce judge again for next time he sees me he will know what I want. Or know me by first name basis. Allow the guy to come to his own reality and decide for himself where the relationship is in his own mind. Don’t rush into things and do what I did. I went from one marital/divorce stream after another. Then I got into my head I don’t want to see that divorce judge again for next time he sees me he will know what I want. Or know me by first name basis.

]]> By: Dunga http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/#comment-21350 Dunga Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:40:14 +0000 http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/?p=846#comment-21350 It is easy to disqualify yourself. If you're a guy, just act like a clingy, needny, approval seeking nice-guy wuss. If you're a woman, just 1) repeatedly drop the word 'commitment', 2) repeatedly ask "Where is this relationship going, or 3) act like an out-of-control drama queen. As for expectations, expect nothing but a good time from one date to the next. Whatever happens, happens. Trying to force it is the best way to ensure that it doesn't. It is easy to disqualify yourself.

If you’re a guy, just act like a clingy, needny, approval seeking nice-guy wuss.

If you’re a woman, just 1) repeatedly drop the word ‘commitment’, 2) repeatedly ask “Where is this relationship going, or 3) act like an out-of-control drama queen.

As for expectations, expect nothing but a good time from one date to the next. Whatever happens, happens. Trying to force it is the best way to ensure that it doesn’t.

]]> By: David Wygant http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/#comment-21346 David Wygant Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:06:09 +0000 http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/?p=846#comment-21346 Expectations are something that can ruin relationships When you put them in a fantasy box, what happens is you tend to have expectations that you think they're something, you want them to be something, you have an expectation, which means you're not living in the present. In order to live in the present, you really have to really start understanding that the present is all that really matters. Forget about the past. You don't want the same girlfriends who treated the same way. You really want to really figure out what you liked about your past relationships, what you enjoyed about them, how they made you feel. You also want to start thinking to yourself what do you want to create. The old funny joke is if you combine all of your ex-girlfriends, you'd have the perfect girlfriend, so why not really figure out what you want because the more you figure out what you want, the easier it is to eliminate the people that don't give you that. That's a little taste of that one. Expectations are something that can ruin relationships
When you put them in a fantasy box, what happens is you tend to have expectations that you think they’re something, you want them to be something, you have an expectation, which means you’re not living in the present. In order to live in the present, you really have to really start understanding that the present is all that really matters. Forget about the past. You don’t want the same girlfriends who treated the same way. You really want to really figure out what you liked about your past relationships, what you enjoyed about them, how they made you feel. You also want to start thinking to yourself what do you want to create. The old funny joke is if you combine all of your ex-girlfriends, you’d have the perfect girlfriend, so why not really figure out what you want because the more you figure out what you want, the easier it is to eliminate the people that don’t give you that. That’s a little taste of that one.

]]> By: Gabrielle http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/#comment-21345 Gabrielle Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:37:47 +0000 http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/?p=846#comment-21345 M - try the reframing what K said. I think you should look up techniques that will help under NLP (neuro linguistic programming). Look on youtube for some of the videos to get a gist of the techniques. There are also some classes online & live that help you unblock & be set free of those old memories. Look up tapping too -- haven't tried it but heard it works. M – try the reframing what K said. I think you should look up techniques that will help under NLP (neuro linguistic programming). Look on youtube for some of the videos to get a gist of the techniques. There are also some classes online & live that help you unblock & be set free of those old memories. Look up tapping too — haven’t tried it but heard it works.

]]> By: M http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/beware-of-your-expectations/846/#comment-21342 M Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:02:35 +0000 http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/?p=846#comment-21342 Dan, Thanks for the help. I was seeing a professional and she actually suggested David (long story, David already knows it). And yes, it did scar me deeply even though I know both of those girls have absolutely no effect on my adult life. I think I need to continue seeing her but I got roped into a job that has taken up 10 months of my time and while it does pay well, it is not enough to seek professional help. I sometimes feel like I am stuck because David has been great, but you are right something is missing from his coaching and I can't quite place it. I know its not him because he is successful and has helped lots of people, which rests the burden on my shoulders and I am too "internally blocked" to recognize what I need to change. Mike Dan,

Thanks for the help. I was seeing a professional and she actually suggested David (long story, David already knows it). And yes, it did scar me deeply even though I know both of those girls have absolutely no effect on my adult life. I think I need to continue seeing her but I got roped into a job that has taken up 10 months of my time and while it does pay well, it is not enough to seek professional help.

I sometimes feel like I am stuck because David has been great, but you are right something is missing from his coaching and I can’t quite place it. I know its not him because he is successful and has helped lots of people, which rests the burden on my shoulders and I am too “internally blocked” to recognize what I need to change.

Mike

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