Being a Leader in Your Social Life
January 9, 2012 
25 Comments
Hey, I was just out for lunch yesterday with Obi, who works with me, and Aaron, my publicist, who’s doing all the publicity for my new book Naked.
We went to this really cool place in downtown LA. It was this hip, trendy little restaurant. I don’t remember the name of it but I really enjoyed it. Great food, small plates.
The waiter was gay, and he really could care less about us because we were three dudes sitting there, all good-looking guys, and we gave him no vibes whatsoever. And he started acting like a typical guy would act if he’s not get any feedback from a woman.
When the meal was over, instead of being friendly and coming over to chat with us, he dropped the check, turned around and quickly ran away from us. And then when he brought the check back for us to sign he quickly dropped it and ran away from us again.
He’s no different than a dude that goes up to a group of women that are not attracted to him. When he gets no love whatsoever, he immediately becomes snooty and snotty instead of just being friendly.
Let me tell you something: if you’re not getting the reaction you want from somebody—take control. You’re the one that needs to be the leader. You’re the one that needs to decide what dynamic you want in your life, not the other people sitting there. You don’t want to give your power away.
The waiter basically gave his power away to us the second we were not chatty with him, when he could’ve been chatty with us. He could’ve been more fun. He could’ve really enjoyed himself a little bit more.
And it’s funny, our waiter also reminds me of a woman who’s not getting enough attention. It’s like when guys hit on a group of women at a bar and one of the women is not getting enough attention and she just wants to ruin the night for everybody.
She doesn’t want to to deal with any of the people there whatsoever because she’s not getting enough attention. She doesn’t care if her friend hasn’t had sex in six months. She doesn’t care if her friend is having a great, engaging conversation with an attractive dude.
She could care less because she’s not getting enough attention and her energy changes right away. Her energy totally becomes this heavy, frustrating energy and what happens? She becomes the energy ruiner.
Here’s the deal: you’re the leader. You decide how your night’s going to be. Either you’re going to be somebody who’s friendly, engaging and true to yourself, or you’re going to be like our little gay waiter and that woman being ignored. It’s funny how life is sometimes. Your choice.Â
Ugh. Saturday night I was out with some friends, and we ended up having others join our group, including one girl who eventually ended up crying the rest of the night because she saw her ex boyfriend while we were out, and he didn’t want to go home with her.
We’re all out here to have fun. I was having fun. Why go and ruin things for us? My friend and I just had to leave.
Maybe they should have a bar just for energy ruiners. It can have a bunch of round couches in the middle of the room for all the criers to commiserate with each other, and the walls can be super zig-zaggy so that there about 100 corners for pouty people to go pout in when things don’t go their way. They can even add little booths for random people who decided they don’t like each other to yell for as long as they want.
Saturday night I had two parties. The first was for a friend’s birthday ; we went dining and then playing pool. It was the first time I found myself in the same event as my ex since our breakup. Although there was an awkward vibe in the place (not caused by me, I assure you) and my ex was being flirty with another guy (which made me a little uncomfortable but didn’t keep me from having fun), it was interesting. It was, for one, the first night in a long time during which I had absolutely no expectation about whom I’d talk to, and whether I’d meet a girl or not. Usually, the fact that these two cute, single girls were not paying attention to me, would have somewhat disappointed me. But that night, I let them go, talked to guys instead (about VERY geeky stuff), including the waiter with whom I talked about what kinds of personalities guitarists and drummers most often have ; and I ended up having an amazing conversation with another girl in the group ; not single, but she was really into the moment. When she went to the bathroom, she told me “Sorry I reaaaaally have to go to the bathroom… You’ll still be there when I get back, right ?” That was cool.
I left the event around midnight, knowing that I had a few colleagues who had gathered at our local hookah lounge, and they weren’t going to leave there until 3 AM. So I went to see them, and there they were, with a couple of friends. There, the vide was really interesting. Last time I had been to an event with their gang, I had felt VERY out of place. I couldn’t connect to anybody and had ended up very disappointed in myself. But last saturday, again, everything went well. Again, no expectations, and I remembered what I learned lately : don’t try to connect to people, just feel the vibe, go with it, and stick to the basics. It ended up great ! I had another conversation with another girl (in addition to my two colleagues) ; she wasn’t single either but I honestly didn’t care. I’ve been friendly and playful ; I took pictures of her with the “Reservation” carton that was on our table, stuck on her forehead. I could shoot the dirtiest jokes that crossed my mind ; THAT was what this gang was all about ! For the first time since long, I rediscovered the pleasure of really listening, feeling the vibe, taking it in, and “synchronizing” myself to it. Result ? Though I never told the girl my name, she managed to find me on Facebook and add me as a friend.
I ordered Naked. Waiting for it to arrive. I’m in a pretty good mood in general, so I think this is the right time for that kind of reading. Can’t wait to see what it brings to the table !
I say the Jedi-Knight level is when you can socialize with anyone, regardless of how likely it is your penis will get any love.
Great post, Dave!
This reminds me of this time I went to a club with a friend of mine. We were on the dance floor when all of a sudden she freaked out cause she saw one of her male co-workers that she “couldn’t stand”. He was far away minding his own business, yet she insisted we go to the restroom and talk.
Then she wanted to go to the other dance floor in the club with the crappy techno music to avoid him..only to tell me 15 minutes later that we had to go back to the previous one so she could “prove” to him that she had a life. *eye roll*
Then, some guys asked me to dance..she started getting all upset & dramatic as to why they would ask me but not her. Later, she had the audacity to tell me that it must be cause she looks a lot “stronger” than me & “men are afraid of strong women”. WTF? I AM strong but I don’t need to look uptight and miserable to prove it! There were many more trips back and forth between both dance floors…I grit my teeth the whole time and vowed to never go out with her again…well, at least not on the days I want to have fun and enjoy being alive.
Gabery! That’s great stuff! It’s really fun when you’re able to just listen and get in the moment with someone isn’t it? Keep up the good work!
Energy ruiners are amazing to watch. I was out and started talking with this group of women beside me about movies and we were having a great time. Then their friend arrived and she totally brought the whole thing down. She started complaining and getting snooty and just deflated the whole group.
@ Collin great story ,very true , i too suffer from love but rarely i talk with people about it.
@The Jester, funny thinking like a jedi-aproacher something like that
) because you don’t give the power away cos’ the force is with us 
)
@david , this is what i like alot ,you help people not giving their power to every little thing ,and we give our power away in 101 ways. Have a good day friends
Now that I think about it, I have been in that case; when things were not going my way and I finished frustrated in a corner hoping everybody would die, and thinking that everybody was an asshole!
I think just “leting go” is a very important step, but not that easy to achieve. Last saturday I went to a party a friend of me was hosting. When I arrived my friend was a bit distant and I had the impression that she was avoiding me.
After some time another guest came in and she was only talking with him, just ignoring everybody else. I was getting a bit impatient and maybe upset… I even had to say in low voice, “let her go, let her go…” and began to focus on me and the people that was around me. That worked perfectly, because I began to have a great time!
I had a lot of fun, and got a girl interested in me, and I think she liked me, because she was talking to me all the night, did not leave alone, even at the very end I made a high five with her and she hold and interlaced her fingers with mines, too bad she had a boyfriend
Lol when i read this blog i could only think about one person in my social group who acts like this, said to say he’s my nephew. i remember when it was me,him, and another best friend of ours. all we did was just chilled and enjoy each others company since we didnt have anything else to do. well near the end of the night me and my nephew had to walk home which takes a min but im use to it. Well he starts complaining about how he needs to get high first in order for him to walk back home.
at the time our friend was buying and he was gonna save it for another time. I didnt care i just wanted to chill wit wit my best friends. then my nephew gets mad because he aint gonna get high, which pretty much ruined the whole night. And he kept on saying that he needed it, to help deal with his problems. Then i said “what the same problems you had 4 years ago when you started getting high. it seems like it’s working.” after that he didnt say anything to me the rest of the way home. lol as my dad once said you cant bullshit the bullshitter.
@Cristi, what exactly does it mean to “suffer from love,”?
David,
In the future.. .
It’s COULDN’T care less
Sometimes I just want to get in and out of places usually when I don’t feel that i’m “on”
Kevin, do you know of anyways to flip the switch so you can be “on” whenever you want?
@Kelly
Perhaps your friend needs some advice, but I wouldn’t suggest you give it to her at a club…lol.
I think she noticed you were getting attention in the first club so made that poor dude that she worked with the focus of her distress. The solution is quite simple, she would get approached to her liking if she acted more friendly and happy with herself.
i really would appreciate if somebody could give me some advice here.
please bear with this rather long story.
ive fallen for this girl on facebook. this begun last year september.
she is my friend’s friend. i’ve never met this girl in person before. so i told my friend to introduce me to her and to tell her, about me.
im a malaysian, studying and living in singapore, and she is in malaysia. so, she told my friend that she didn’t want to commit to a stranger, plus singapore is far from our hometown.
nevertheless each time we come online on FB, i would strike up a conversation with her. although i know she is trying to avoid me or playing hard to get. all this while we chat through facebook. never have we done even a video chat, till today. since september, roughly about 15-20 times we have chat with each other, although those were just short conversations.
so by the end of december, i told her that i have fallen for her and i tagged her a video of me, playing the guitar and singing colbie caillat’s, falling for you.
she told my friend that she didn’t know what to do with me, and that she had a shock when she saw me holding the guitar, hence she didn’t want to play the video. (i knew this through my friend).
so i untagged her from the video. then i sent her a message on FB, saying that i apologize if i had pushed her too hard, and that im cool if whether or not she wants to be in a relationship with me. because i didn’t want to force her into something she didn’t want.
so she replied that she was cool with the whole situation, and said that she’s not ready for relationships now, maybe in a year or two. it might be some other person. she also said she remained shocked for a few days from the video, but when she got the courage to watch it, it was gone. then she told me, it’s up to me, whether i wanted to continue being friends with her on facebook.
so i replied that im fine with it and that i respected her decisions and opinions.
last week i chat with her and asked her if we were cool, she said she’s good with me. then she told me that she was dying to watch the video. so i re-tagged her on the video and i went offline. the next day i checked my FB message. she thanked me for being honest and sincere all the while. she saluted me for my guts to come up with the video. only thing, this time i didn’t reply to her message.
so 2 days ago i signed in on FB and she was online too. but i didn’t talk to her because i wanted to control myself. then unexpectedly for the 1st time she started the chat. she also asked me, why i didn’t reply to her previous message.
somehow i felt that ive won something, 1st is getting her to watch the video, 2nd getting her to start the conversation.
but im confused whether she has fallen for me or not. im a religous person and i do ask God for his guidance.
My questions are, have i gone too fast, and what am i to do now?
both of us have never been in a relationship before. i still do have feelings for her.
Thank you so much for your time, i will be waiting for your reply.
God bless. love u guyz.
umm…to me it does not matter what my friend does if she is out to have a good time then i will go and show her how much of a good time that i can have. but i will not step in on her date and cause her to have a bad time….
oh one more thing this is what is funny is when a gay guy wants to imitate us women…they will act funny hey now that comes natural to me for i am a woman…
Dan, nope, have any ideas?
Hey Kevin!!
That answer was already answered by Jose Colin. He said he began to feel bad, negative thoughts and angry because his host friend was ignoring him.
Instead of being a coward and running away.. He told himself outloud verbally “Let her go” because he had that monkey chatter.
Then he just relaxed and focused his attention on himself,his body and those around him(in other words he focued on the present moment..the here the now.. David talks of this all the time)
If you can’t focus and be present just jump the gun, and go in. Who cares if you screw up or make a fool of yourseld.. WHo gives a damn! On can be all the time.. and when its not you have to FORCE yourself to be on or run away.. your choice!
@Dave – That’s just a really unprofessional behavior from the waiter. He probably screws himself out of a lot of good tips that way, and then just digs himself a deeper hole thinking that straight guys are jerks who hate him for no reason.
@Collin – It’s easy to find bars for those with an energy crisis… They’re the bars that open between 8-10am.
@Joshua
I’m no expert but I will offer my opinion
I think you need to figure out a way to make a face to face meeting happen. Perhaps creating an event on Facebook and inviting all your friends, the setting being a place both you and her can get to, a middle ground somewhere. Make sure it’s someplace fun where you and your friends will enjoy yourselves, so she can see how you are with people you care about (and with strangers for that matter).
Whatever you do, do not hold your breath waiting a couple years for this girl to choose you. If you just wait and nothing comes of it you will regret wasting the time.
Best of luck, and hopefully some other give their advice too!
@Joshua : No expert either, but another opinion for you…
I’ve been in that situation where I had been pretty much friendzoned by a girl, then I pursued her for two years, during which time we became close friends but nothing more… Eventually (after the two years) I finally let her go, and then she started calling me and having some interest. By that time I wasn’t romantically interested in her. We did a lot of things together, she became my part-time wing girl, and she’s still one of my best friends up to this day. Only recently did I, I think, shatter the remains of her “defenses” towards me. I told her “I feel you still feel somewhat uncomfortable with me, and I don’t like that. I think we’ve passed the point where we could possibly expect or fear that the other will make a move. It will not happen, so you can breathe.” And automatically it felt a lot less awkward with her.
What I want to say is this :
I think you should let that girl go. If you feel she could be your friend, go ahead, having a female friend is amazing (if you don’t have one or two already)… I love to use my female friends for clothing advice, as wing girls or to have a fresh perspective on some situations !
But what rang loudest to me in your story is : she’s not interested in being with you in a relationship. She says she doesn’t want a relationship right now ? I call BS. More likely, she just hasn’t found “the one” (or “one of the ones”, whatever). If the man of her life were in front of her today, believe me, she would suddenly turn ready !
If you’re OK to be friends with her, the sooner you let her go, the sooner you can start building something with her and having a good time. And if you absolutely want to get involved more deeply, there’s nothing wrong with telling her what you want, and asking her one last time to reconsider this relationship. But if she refuses, don’t pursue her anymore, ever, and know that you may have lost your chance at friendship with her, at least for a time.
Whatever you do, don’t lose time, and no matter what, something should change. You should move on, with or without her, and soon. And since you’re a religious person, I have only one thing to say : I’m inclined to think that God has given you all the guidance you need already. All you need now is to interpret the signs !
Good luck with that !
@Collin i m not a native english so i may use sentence with wrong words. i was reffering when going thru a breakup you obsses about that person feeling the world is coming to an end if you are not with them and forgetting the fights and stuff like that. but in a way we don t think abundance anymore and we don t want to let them go.this is not true love, true love is whenyou are happy seeing them happy in whatever situation they like and when i decide that i m going to be happy for my ex gf for whatever she wants i feel a release in my emotion and i can see more clear what was to learn and move on.:) cheers m8
@Roy and Gabery. hey thanks guys for ur opinions. they were really valuable to me. i really appreciate it. thanks for spending time reading it. yeah i think i must do something to c her in person. thanks roy. n i will try to ask her for another time maybe after i get to meet her. thanks gabery. God bless u guys.
Joshua I think the biggest mistake you made was making it about “winning” towards the end. Not doing what your gut tells you to in order to win an ego battle, especially when this girl is really starting to pay attention to you now (or so it seems), is all kinds of bad. The point is to win her, not beat her.
Talk to her, make an effort to see her in person. Focus on the two of you being together, instead of in first and second place.
@ Bobby M
whoa. i didn’t c it from that perspective, abt 1st n 2nd place. thats encouraging. thanks man.