Bad Breakup Etiquette: The Wrong Way To Do It Every Time
October 25, 2010 
19 Comments
What’s up with some people and how they breakup with someone? Recently, a friend of mine emailed me and said, “My girlfriend broke up with me the other day via email.”
Via email?! They dated (and were inseparable) for over a year, and she breaks up with him via email?
She told him that it was too hard for her to sit down and break up with him face-to-face, and that she thought it would be easier for her to break up with him via email. She didn’t even go into detail in the email about it — it was a short three sentence email basically saying that the relationship wasn’t working for her anymore.
Another friend of mine was in a relationship with someone for nine months. They were in love, were intimate, spent night after night together, and vacationed together.
He broke up with her via a text message. That’s right, a text message!
Do you see a pattern here? What are the rules now a days — that you break up with someone via text message if you’re dating under a year, and you break up with someone via email if you’ve been dating longer than a year?
The text message that my friend sent said simply, “I don’t think this is working out, and I think we should stop seeing each other.” That was it.
How do you even respond to that? He didn’t even have the guts to pick up the phone and call this person he said that he loved. He just sent a text message.
I remember how bad I thought it was when the story broke a few years ago that Sylvester Stallone had broken up with someone via a letter he sent FedEx. He just had to break up with her overnight, and even sent it so that it would arrive by 10:00 am. Waking up to a breakup letter is something I’m sure she really needed.
What does it take these days to get a face-to-face breakup . . . or even a breakup via a live phone call?
Do you need to have been dating for more than two years to warrant this treatment? What do you have to do for someone to feel they “owe” you the courtesy of a face-to-face talk or at least a live phone call when they break up with you? What do you have to do to get the closure and the honesty that comes from a face-to-face breakup?
We have become so addicted to technology that we can’t even give each other the time of day anymore. So many people will not even pick up the phone anymore.
Most people text. A lot of people just email instead of picking up the phone.
When it comes down to breaking up — really discussing the relationship and the really important issues — you should never do it via email or text. What is wrong with our culture today that this has become at all acceptable?
When did we become so afraid? When did we become such wimps when it comes down to speaking with one another.
Breaking up via text or via email is disgraceful. You owe it to someone you’ve been dating (no matter for how long) to sit them down. You owe it to them to be 100% honest about how you’re feeling and where you’re at so that they can have closure.
I can’t imagine if something broke up with me via text. I don’t think I’d ever be able to talk to them again, or even look them in the eye. If you’re intimate enough to look someone in the eyes when you’re making love with them, then how dare you break up with them via text or email?
Technology is wonderful. When it comes down to intimacy and your relationship, however, you need to pick up the phone or meet face-to-face to tell someone how you feel if you’re going to break up with them. You need to do this no matter how hard you think it will be for you.
Breaking up is not easy to do. Breaking up using technology, though, is just plain sad.
David,
I heard an even worse example. Someone found out when their boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to single…I think anything more than a couple of dates should be in person. If you just meet for a drink or get together a couple of times, email is acceptable.
People want to be treated honest in life.
And yet, when it comes to breaking up, some don’t muster up the courage to even do it over the phone or let alone in person.
I especially like it when they try to be vague about it.
Whats wrong?, just speak the truth. It will not kill you.
Great blog.
I saw this and had to post a quick story.
My friend and his girlfriend recently broke up, and she broke up with him with a note she left pinned on his windshield. I was there when he first read the note, and we both hated how she couldn’t even respect him enough to do it face to face. So I said “just act like you didn’t see it, and go to her house and talk to her as if you didn’t receive it.” He did, and later that day he told me that she asked if he got the note, he said “no” to which she said “Never mind, it wasn’t important.” They talked for a bit and he left, but she never told him what the note said. The next day, she left another note saying the exact same thing the first one did. Even when she was presented with the opportunity to tell him face to face she STILL couldn’t.
Breaking up with people using anything other than a phone call or a face to face convo pretty much makes you a coward, afraid to live with your own decisions, and is downright disrespectful to the other persons feelings. Technology these days makes things very easy to say what you need to say and shut out the other person. It just leaves the other person angry and confused. In my opinion, its worse than cheating.
David and All,
I got dumped by text a couple of years ago. We dated approximately 2 years and probably sent only 3 texts to each other over that timeframe. It took me quite a while to get over the way she handled it. She still visits in a dream from time to time though.
I talked to a female I know a couple of months after it happened. I told her I was dumped via text, and her cold response shocked me yet woke me up to the real world.
She said, “what makes you so special?”
Me: “HUH?!?”
her: “you got dumped in a bad way. get over it. men run all over me all the time. there are no rules when it comes to dating. get used to it.”
I was initially upset by her lack of sympathy, but then i realized that she’s right. There are courtesies in the dating world, but absent karma, there’s no policeperson or jury to punish someone for bad ettiquette and lack of respect. It’s my world and I can either suffer or not (I did), but the one who dumped me apparently didn’t care for “the rules” and if she has no guilt.. it’s life as usual for her. If I sat around upset, that had no bearing on her AT ALL. That sucks, but that’s the reality. My heart was broken by a few strokes of the keypad, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
All I can do is be courteous and not do what was done to me. I hope others will practice the golden rule as well.
What if there’s no break up but instead communication just dies?
Amen to this post
I think everyone deserves to be treated with respect and compassion. It just feels right when you have once shared that intimate connection before.
Hey Coach Khiem,
How are you?
Long time no see on the blogs.
Hey Farley!
I’m doing good. I’m still here, just been focusing a lot more on coaching our members in the membership site. How are things with you?
~Khiem.
Khiem,
I’m doing good, thanks for asking.
Be well.
To David, Kheim and all the Coaches,
While we’re on the subject of Break-Ups, I have a somewhat related question.
What if you’re a guy who has been waiting for a girl to become available who’s been dating a guy for the last 2-3 years and she finally does break up(or is dumped)with that guy? How long should you wait after the break-up before you ask her out?
I know that for some people just out of a relationship, they may need time to sort through some issues & stuff about that, but how long should a guy wait generally speaking before he should ask her out?
Tony,
There’s no right or wrong time to ask a girl out. How about you just ask her out and see how she responds?
There is no rule that David, I or anyone can give you to wait x amount of days or months. It really depends on how she felt about her break-up and if she feels she needs time for herself or not.
I remember meeting a girl who didn’t tell me she had a boyfriend at the time I met her. A month later, I find out she had one when she invited me to her birthday. A week or two after that, she tells me they broke up (I had nothing to do with that)…. and the very next week, she went out with me. Did it turn into something more than a few dates? Not necessarily but my point is… she chose to go out with me.
Reversely, an ex-g/f of mine took a month after dating me to not go out with anyone. She went out with friends but she didn’t go out on dates. She wanted some time for herself.
Annonymous,
I feel for you. I’ve been in your shoes before and you are right. There’s no rule, rhyme or reason for why someone breaks up with you one way or the other.
You definitely can’t linger or cling on your heartbreak but it doesn’t change the fact that more people should learn to take ownership of their own feelings… and take responsibility for facing their partner in more compassionate and respectful ways.
I’m not saying this judging that person one way or the other… but it’d be nicer.
Thanks for your reply earlier Khiem. It was helpful and appreciated.
I was with a guy for 3 years. He lived out of state. The last time he was here he told me I was the one he wanted to be with. For 3 years I always saw him the night before he left. On wed his other friend told me they were leaving on Friday and he hoped to see me bfore he left. I had not heard from my guy all week. On Friday am his other friend texted me and said he was sorry they were going to have me come over that night but they were flying out the same day. BS. So I texted bck his friend and told him to tell my friend to never call me again. He didn’t even tell me himself that he was leaving and wouldn’t see me. So I broke up by text which I feel bad about but he didn’t even call me himself to tell me goodbye. The whole thing is screwed up but I think he was probably relieved that he never has to talk to me again. If he cared he would have called me himself and told me what happened not cop out and have his friend text me. I deserved better than that. I really can’t believe that after 3 years I texted him to breakup but what else could I do. I think he deserved the break up text. It is how bad he treated me. But I stil feel bad about it. I thinhe probaby doesn’t even care. That is why he had his friend tell me they were leaving without seeing me. That was 2 weeks ago and I have not heard from him. He had to know I was upset and if he cared about me he would havecalled by now to make it better
Is breaking up over the phone acceptable? Personally I don’t see how this is any better than a text… If two people are seeing each other exclusively, then they owe it to one another to do the dumping in person. I mean geez can’t you schedule and hour or two to sit and talk with your gf/bf? are you that busy? Like David said, Disgraceful!
Going beyond text/email/phone breakup: Abandonment. Have someone simply walk out on you without ANY communication after being together for close to a year. The week before, entwined in each others arms, she talked about our love making being from a place in love.
Here’s the killer. The former gf, three months later comes up to me wearing a big hat and huge sunglasses–hiding most her face except a huge smile. I’m trying to figure out who this person is. She says hi to me by name. Speaks in a joyous, almost giddy voice I don’t recognize. A man is by her side I don’t recognize. A new love to introduce to me? It dawns on me!
All I could think to do was turn away. I was stunned, in shock. It felt like I had never existed for her. I hope I never see her again. And being walked out on was nothing in comparison with that brief encounter. What was she thinking? Emailing or texting? Pfffft. In comparison to being walked out on and then treated like that . . .? And do it with a new bf at her side? At least there is some small acknowledgment you once existed with a text or email–not so with abandonment.
And, what of your former “couple” friends? ( Emphasis on former.) They never contact you. And you run into them, painfully. There is no acknowledgment of your loss. This is almost routine for men. I’ve heard it from men who had been married for 30 years telling that was their experience with their former friends.
My girlfriend just dumped me via text. I wish she would have at least told me in person. She brokenly heart and she didn’t even do it in the same room as me…
4 days ago I went to work after kissing my partner goodbye. I had planned to go and book out wedding reception on my way to work but other things came up and it didn’t happen ( his work plans changed for the day ) we had been looking at blocks of land and chose a house plan we both agreed on just days before. We had settled on several wedding plans and the celebrant had been booked a few months. We were to be married in November this year.
Last week I had a pregnancy end. And one week later, just 4 days ago I received a call from my 12 yr old son asking me what happened… My partner had taken all of his belongings .. Everything and left. He did write a one page letter that didn’t to into any real details no soft words of love. He just left
Abandoned is exactly the word to use. I have been so distraught and devastated ! How can somebody who claims to love me and want to marry me do this? I am sorry to all who have suffered similar. By txt email letter whatever. It’s so completely disgustingly wrong !
It brings up so many feeling of negativity. Very hard to move forward each day when your heart is shattered and your while being is totally confused.
It is hard when the person doesn’t want to communicate. I found it hard to get closure. I only found out later that she was going back to her ex husband. The ex husband with two felony convictions and a ton of other stuff. So I guess I dodged a bullet. Better this happened before we where married but still. We had good times together and I feel that she does not value that at all.
I know that I have broken up with woman and we just had a conversation. We remained friends and still talk occasionally. I will remember the goods times with that person. I will have a hard time with the last relationship.