Avoid Relationship Disaster
April 25, 2010 
16 Comments
Relationships can really be frustrating. I mean, they’re battles at times. They really are.
You draw battles into relationships due to ego and expectations. So many things can go wrong in a relationship due, very often, to the way you communicate your needs, wants and desires to each other.
There are ways to be sure that relationship battles don’t cause permanent damage. Here are seven ways to avoid relationship disasters (which will also help you take your relationship to an even better place):
1.Have Sex On The Brain?: How much do you think about sex in your relationship? Do you feel like the other person doesn’t do the things you like to do (or doesn’t do them enough)? We all get lazy sexually in our relationships at times. So how do you get the other person to do these things (or to do more of those things)? Well, you don’t look at them and tell them they are doing what you like (or aren’t doing enough of it).
Instead, when they do things you like you need to really let them know. Say things like, “Oh babe, I love the way you kiss me and touch me. It makes me feel good…” Describe the emotions you have and how you feel when they do those things. Doing this will turn the other person on and make them want to do those things to you all night long. Whenever you come from a place of abundance like that, you will always bring you more of what you need.
2.Never Nag: Nagging doesn’t work. Nagging to get the dishes washed, the garbage taken out and the dog walked doesn’t work. Instead of nagging, ask out of love. Say something like, “Hey babe, I’m running late today. Do you mind walking the dog? That would be awesome and would help me out a lot!”
Asking this way is a lot better than asking by saying something like “You know, you never walk the dog. I’m always walking the dog, and I’m running late right now and don’t have time to do it” or “Can you please empty the dishwasher for once? I said I can’t do it right now. Why are you so lazy?” Asking nicely always gets you better results.
3.Learn The Art Of Compromise: Learning how to compromise in your relationship is essential. When you go on vacation, for example, make sure you split up the things you do 50/50 between things you like to do and things your partner likes to do. That way, one of you never feels like you are being dragged around the whole trip. Neither person will feel about the other that “it’s just about you.”
The best way to have real compromise is to find out what each other really wants. In this vacation example, you could say something like “Today I’d love to do this. What would you like to do tomorrow? How about if we make today my day and tomorrow your day (or make half of each day be yours)? That way we can both do things we enjoy.” Real compromise is about coming to an arrangement that makes both parties happy.
4.Be Forgiving Of Family: When dealing with each other’s family, it can be very stressful. You may have old things to mend with your mother or brother or sister which get you tense or upset. Because of this tense feeling, many of us will pick fights with our significant other — the person who are there with us to support us on this tense visit — because we don’t want to act out with our family. So we take out our frustrations on our partner instead.
So the next time you go with your partner to visit your family, write down ahead of time the things you need to do or work through with your family while you’re there. Let your partner help you and see them as being there with you (and for you). You will avoid so many unnecessary arguments.
5.Avoid The Passive-Aggressive Approach: In relationships, one person will sometimes drag their significant other with them when they are going out to meet friends. Then that person will spend the entire night not reminiscing, but bringing up personal things about the relationship in front of the friends. Your personal life is your personal life, and your friends do not need to be privy to all of it.
The way this happens sometimes, is that one person will take passive-aggressive jabs at the other. They will start hinting to the friends about the things they would really love to have in their relationship. This is a very passive-aggressive (and ineffective) way to raise these items.
If you have any personal needs or desires about which you want your partner to know, don’t bring those things up in public and in a passive-aggressive manner. You need to bring these things up with your partner in person and face-to-face. If you want your partner to do more of something, then tell them how much you would love it. Don’t bring it up in front of friends.
6.Don’t Air Your Dirty Laundry: When you get into a fight with your partner, do not tell your family and friends every little detail about it. When you do this, you are actually hurting your relationship. The reason is that even though your family and friends only want to support you, by knowing you had conflict they will judge your relationship and your partner after that.
They will judge your partner based on things you’ve said about them while you were upset or angry. Whenever you are speaking out of anger you will speak with disdain and venom, and often not tell all sides of the story. So keep your personal life between the two of you. It could save your relationship a great deal of unnecessary strain.
7.Do Something Special: In the midst of all these “don’ts,” I also have one “do” that you should do in helping to avoid relationship disaster. Every day, I want you to do at least three special things for your partner. Make them breakfast, walk the dog for them, rub their head, light candles or whatever you know they would really appreciate. Pick things that will make them feel wonderful, needed and warm.
Tell them that you love them. Send them ‘I love you’ texts, or something like that. Understand that the more you reach out to your partner and the more you express your love to your partner, the more intimacy you will have. You also make your relationship stronger each time you do things like this.
So, look at the above list and then at your own relationship. Ask yourself in how many of the relationship-destroying behaviors you and your partner engage. Ask yourself in how many of the relationship-building behaviors you and your partner engage. Then as to any areas you’re falling short, start making changes right away.
Having a great relationship takes work, patience and a lot of understanding. Don’t just give up on one before you work on it. If you do work on it and it still doesn’t work out, then at least you know you did everything you could to not only keep it from falling apart but to make it amazing.
Thanks David. I just had my significant other just blow up at me for not taking care of her needs. I didn’t know what to do.. but it looks like i wasn’t giving her what she needed, which was some relax time (i was really horny though.)
OMG, one of the best lists you’ve ever written on relationship! Nice blog, David!
Ditto with Khiem.
Definitely doing something special every day to show your love and appreciation is a winner. We also need to do the right things… everyone has different ways of giving and receiving love. A quick way is to ask them how they know ‘x’ (could be their mum or someone they have a great love relationship with) loves them. Usually this will be their main love language. There are five main love languages – words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time, acts of service. Then under these are dialects eg quality time could be talking or doing things together.
Great reads are ‘The Five Love Languages’ series by Warren Chapman. If you haven’t read them, I highly recommend them – there are books for couples, singles, children and more.
In this way if you come to know your partner really well, you can do at least one of the three special things in the day on that main love language (everyone has a mix).
Thanks David on an uplifting list.
Hmmm…you know what’s another way to avoid relationship disaster? Make sure you actually like the girl and aren’t just dating her because you’re desperate or like that she likes you. That’s been my biggest problem.
Collin – so true!!! Out of curiousity do you have a list of what you want in a woman and a relationship??? Desriable and essential qualities – that may help… just a thought! I have seen that work many times.
Cathy, I haven’t really dated anybody since I found David, but before, I was just happy to date any girl who liked me. As you can imagine, that led to many, many problems.
While I have various informal lists, the easiest test so far is whether or not I would want to let her meet my family. If not, I move on. I’ve had several dates, and one girl who I had several dates with, but ultimately we ended up getting along better as friends. There just wasn’t really the spark I was looking for. I’ve gotten picky, and I’m okay with that. Quality, not quantity, right?
Frank–the irony in what you struggled with together is that if you gave her what she needed, she would have reciprocated without you even needing to ask for it. We women have to feel emotionally connected which can easily be achieved by the man just listening to her. Listening to her needs and then actually doing it will make the woman WANT to do things for the man. It’s all give and take!
Coach Kimberly
that is so important. We cannot make anyone want to do something that they do not want to do.
They need to want to do it. So creating a situation where people may want to do something, in a genuine way, creates the win-win.
Cathy,
The list thing is very handy. A good friend of mine told me to make three lists. One of who I am at the moment, one of who I want to become, and the other of the type of woman or women I want. Be it friends or for a relationship. I can say that it has helped me become more picky and that I do not think of her as relationship material just because of her looks. To me, her personality is far more important. It is the main thing that counts in the long run.
I had a girl once who I was really attracted to. She is beautifull, is warm and friendly…..but as I got to know her better, she has a lot of personal problems and such. So this made me become just friends with her.
Collin
Sorry missed this one earlier. Quality not quantity – I am on the fence on that one. Of course we are all only looking for one. However for many people, especially dating coaches, the approach that is so often successful is a numbers game.
On the other hand, I honestly believe that if you change yourself and become the right partner (and you have gotten rid of any blockages such as feelings for ex’s or unworthiness) then the time is right and the right one will be there. Of course I also believe that we must act at least in some way to create the opportunity to meet the right one. Thus being open and friendly to a relationship.
Even once you have the right one, the above list is great – I would also add – learn how to have an intimate relationship. We have shown repeatedly in the last couple of generations that it is not something we learn my osmosis – in fact many do not even have a good role model in this area!
Cathy, please don’t think I’m hiding out hoping that a magical fairy is going to bring me my soul mate if I wish hard enough. I know too many people like that, and they scare me. I haven’t really clicked with any of the girls I’ve taken out though, so after a couple dates I don’t go out of my way to spend time with them anymore. Turns out, my personality doesn’t line up particularly well with most engineering chicks. I’m not terribly worried though. The semester is over in 2 weeks, and this summer should be full of opportunities.
This is great David and the timing is perfect for me. Sometimes I just want to get upset but then I am reminded that positivity gets you so much more in life.
Thank you!
Collin
Yes there is certain magic in summer – sun, surf, sand…..
Wishing you success in love!!
Well, that and me having an excuse to show off these rockin’ abs! Haha thanks Cathy
This comment came a litte bit too late.
But thanks for it.
Good stuff David. Nagging makes it exponentially more likely I will *not* do something. The only thing it succeeds at is building resentment. Gotta agree there.