Attention Women It’s Okay To Show Interest!
September 8, 2008 
35 Comments
Today i am posting a blog for the women. I figure most men today will be busy talking about Tom Bradys knee and we need to give the ladies of the blog something to talk about over the water cooler!
Yes I know you all think Tom Brady is cute but lets dive into something deeper today.
And guys chime in you will really like the advice I am giving the women.
I have a confession as a man I need to make to all the women: We men are clueless about anything subliminal that you do. We really are. You need to be obvious to get our attention.
For any of you who have lived with a man (whether it was a boyfriend, a husband or a brother), this will probably sound familiar. As you leave the house one day, you ask a man to clean up or straighten up a bit while you’re gone. So what does he do? He goes to the sink, puts a few things in the dishwasher . . . and that’s it. Meanwhile there are still dog hair tumbleweeds traveling across the living room floor and laundry piles up to the ceiling. When questioned about those, he inevitably says “I didn’t notice those.”
Men don’t notice small details. They have no idea about the little clues. Men need the obvious. Women need to really understand this, especially when it comes to communicating their interest in men.
Women need to realize that it is not only okay, but necessary, that they show men they are interested. So many women I’ve coached will tell me they flirt with men all the time but never get any response. When I ask them what they did that they were calling “flirting,” virtually every one will tell me they “glanced over at him a couple times” or they “smiled at him a couple times quickly” or something similar.
These two second glances and quick smiles simply do not constitute flirting in the eyes of a man. They are simply not obvious enough.
When many women go to flirt with a man, they do something they believe to be flirting but which is in reality is something too subtle for that man to notice it. So despite that woman’s interest, the man will leave that situation thinking she didn’t like him.
When I say that you need to show interest that is obvious, I am not talking about you grabbing a man and sticking your tongue down his throat as you grind up against him. What I mean by showing interest are things like smiling a bit more or touching his arm a little bit when you talk to him. I mean that you need to use your body language to express your interest. Lean in a little when you talk to him, Flirt with him. Laugh at his jokes. Engage him in some deeper conversation.
If you’re interested in a man you meet, don’t wait for him to ask you out. Say something to him like “I really enjoyed this great conversation. Hopefully we’ll run into each other again some day.” Let him know you’re interested.
Not only is it okay to show a man you’re interested, but you should show men you’re interested because you want to be in control of your dating life. If you think about it there are really only two choices: you can either start to show your interest or you can continue to do nothing (or to use subtle gestures which convey the same message as nothing to men).
Every time I address this issue, I get tons of emails from women saying some version of this: “David, I can’t do these things. If I do, men are going to think I’m coming onto them and will just think I want to sleep with them.” Let me address this misperception so we can clear it up once and for all.
If you are making out with a guy in his living room, he is going to assume that the two of you are just going to have a makeout session in the living room all night long. The only way we men know you want to sleep with us, even in that situation, is if you say “Let’s get naked and go in the bedroom.” Once again, men don’t pick up on subtlety and even on the semi-obvious.
So the fact is that if you like us, it’s okay to show some interest. We are not going to over-think or assume more about it than what it is. If you smile, lean in and touch our arm when you’re talking to us, we’re not going to think we’re going to get to hook-up with you right there and then or that you want to drag us off to bed.
All we think is that you like us, that we can ask you out . . . and this could potentially be a relationship. You need to remember this the next time your head is telling you that we’re reading all these other things into everything you do.
So ladies, take control of your dating lives by showing us when you’re interested. Not only is it okay to do that . . . but we men could not be happier when you do.
David, couldn’t agree with you more. As a man I never really pick up those subtle clues you talked about that women think constitutes flirting or a show of interest.
Yeah, obvious signals are definetley a big plus for me. Many girls seem to think that if they raise an eyebrow, I’ll instantly know what they’re feeling. The truth is, I usually don’t =/
“Let’s get naked and go in the bedroom.”
That’s like putting your hair into two little pony tails and sucking on your index finger as you come up to say hello. ^^
Let’s hope it doesn’t take THAT much
BUT.
It’s also pretty much the only thing in this blog I disagree on…
When I first heard David talking about needing to be obvious, I really couldn’t believe it. I always figured that if I caught even the most momentary eye contact with a guy, that he was thinking I was “checking him out” and thus had already made my interest clear.
In fact, once I had that momentary mutual eye contact moment, I would go out of my way NOT to look at the guy anymore because I thought it would like I was staring at him.
Interesting to hear all the guys’ comments here so far … what this whole blog is saying is so counterintuitive to me … I grew up with “The Rules” as the end all be all of dating advice after all
So thanks guys — this is definitely a skill I’ll need to spend more time practicing …
Amen brotha. It’s not that we don’t notice the little things (the quick glance, the shy smile, etc.) – but it’s normally not enough to convince us (men) that you (women) are interested.
BE OBVIOUS.
How ’bout those Carolina Panthers?
Ladies listen to this, every letter in this blog is very true! And if you think a man is going to want to jump your bones because you are making an obvious effort, well either he already had that in his head or you have the right man. Sometimes we loose interest or show no interest because you seem uninterested! lol If your interested make it obvious
Coming from the guy’s perspective, yes! please do this! don’t be afraid to show even a little sign of interest. Maybe something very slight. For alot of dudes, that is maybe all they need. Look at it as a reciprocation. If the guy is ballsy enough to walk over and show his interest, give him a bone back. keep the ball rolling.
This is spot-on, David! Like you said, we’re not looking for you to go out of your way. But a little more aggression won’t hurt. There needs to be a level of reciprocity to this dance that we call dating. Men are to lead but in order to make it a dance, the woman needs to move along as well and almost mimic the leader.
So that includes indicators of interest, touching, statements of interest, etc.
Although that won’t work with leaving us to clean the house…
For me, it goes beyond showing a little bit of interest. I want to feel that the woman is receptive to me. When she shows she’s receptive to me (including showing some interest), it makes me more confident in keeping the interaction moving forward.
I’m pretty confident already but when the woman shows that she’s receptive, it really reassures me to know that she WANTS this to happen as much as I do.
David, I see so many people say that this or that blog is the best youv’e ever written. WELL THIS HAS TO BE # 1. You say we men are often oblivious to the women attempting to flirt with us. This is so true. I might think she was smiling because she is friendly and smiles with all people she meets. Maybe her eyes quickly glance into my eyes and I think she is just being a human being who was always told to look into the person’s eyes when you talk to them. Kristen says she will look into a guys eyes once and then look away. For guys that are on the shy side one eye gaze is supposed to tell me that I should approach and ask her out? Man if most women are like Kristen I’m doomed along with most men!
David I hope in all of your teachings and bootcamps for women that you continue to tell the ladies to be much, MUCH more obvious. I am actually supprised you didn’t tell the ladies that they could even be more blunt. You said “I really enjoyed this great conversation. Hopefully we’ll run into each other some day.” You say this to the guys all the time except you tell us to give our phone to the ladies and tell them to put their phone # in it; to continue this conversation later. Why did you not tell this to the ladies and that they should say; “I really enjoyed this great conversation today. Why don’t I give you MY phone # or email address and we’ll continue this conversation later”. OR “I really… Why don’t you give me YOUR ph. # or email add. and I’LL CALL YOU LATER TO CONTINUE THIS GREAT CONVERSATION”. I really am shocked that David Wygant did not suggest the ladies be so bold to ask a guy for their ph. # or to just give their ph. # without being asked for.
Would it be that bad for women to really show us this much interest? It probably won’t kill too many ladies!!
In a perfect world, I would agree with you. I feel that women should be able to be more obvious and upfront with men but I am not convinced that men are ready for it. I feel that when I am ‘obvious’ about my possible interest in someone, at least exploratory interest, men don’t really know what to do with it. And, most men seem to think that women who approach and make physical contact are probably husband shopping, and that is not always the case. So, I guess what I’m wondering is, how would a woman be able to convey the message to a man that she is not looking for a lifetime commitment, would like to have some fun, but is looking for something a little deeper than a f-buddy or a ONS.
Thanks to all of the guys who have commented here … Wow it is so interesting to see how strongly you all agree with this!
Jim L. … Great comment, and I hope that I will no longer be part of the women who are dooming all these potentially great connections!
Jim, When David suggested the “hope we’ll run into each other again sometime” part … I can tell you that “softer” approach is what we ladies always ask David for in how we can let a guy know we’re interested without feeling like we’re doing the asking out …
I would bet that David would be all for and would support a woman taking even more initiative … but Jim, he’s dealing w/ gals like me who are still working on multiple eye-contact, smiling and saying hello feeling like very obvious gestures
Well, with blogs like this and you guys all telling us like it is — maybe we can get rid of more of these gender misconceptions
Thanks again to all the guys — great comments from all!!
Shama
Stay tuned…..i have a response that will open your eyes
i read this blog with a bit of skepticism, but reading these comments i’m starting to believe that we as women can be more obvious without seeming overly-aggressive.
there is just one thing that goes through my head that i wonder what the guys on here would say about. i probably flirt with the same attitude that kristen had in that i don’t usually look more than once. but i alwys worry that if a guy doesn’t think i’m attractive that he will not want me staring at him or smiling at him. so do you guys hate when a woman you aren’t attracted to smiles at you or says hi to you?
Elizabeth: Smiling, good eye contact, or just saying hi is always nice, Regardless! I would agree with Davids blog, and most of the comments.
Shama and Jim
You know it’s funny.
What you were thinking is crazy and I’m not going to do let you keep buying into this false mindset
Not to be insulting or anything but to think that because you smile or say hello so men talk to you, they’re all going to think that you want a husband.
I mean, that’s ridiculous. It’s like the last thing guys do.
Guys think that by not approaching a woman, every woman doesn’t want to be approached or doesn’t want to be bothered.
You have to stop thinking what other people are thinking and start doing instead of always thinking.
You’re a clear example of hiding behind what I call your excuse.
I created a whole audio program called what’s your excuse, and that’s one of the top ones. People thinking they know what everybody else is thinking. What that is is it’s enabling you not to talk to people. It’s giving you that excuse that you need. So instead of smiling at a man, instead of going up to a man , instead of trying to talk to them, you can rationalize it with your excuse.
Your excuse is well, they’ll all think that I’m looking for a husband. No, we don’t think that at all. It doesn’t really matter what we think because taking control of your dating life is all that really matters. So get out there and start flirting and get rid of this excuse. It’s time you did it. I tell the men the same thing.
And Jim, it’s the same — now you know why I don’t tell women to just go and just say hey, let’s get together. Here’s my phone number.
I do tell women that, and I will tell women that in the future, if they want to be more aggressive, they can certainly give out their phone number. But Jim, read her comments . Look at what she thought. Can you imagine if she actually went over and talked to a guy? Can you imagine it?
And then she said let me give you my phone number. She’s going to think that the guy’s going to want to take her to the wedding right away. So it’s in stages. Everything is in stages.
Especially this woman who needs to get out there and overcome her own excuses. She needs to do this all in stages.
So for women that are more advanced, that have been out there flirting for a long time, and get really sick of the guys being so passive and not getting all the hints, by all means look at a guy and say hey, it would be great to get together. heres my phone number. If he doesn’t call, then he wasn’t worth it in the first place.
You got to get out there and give your phone number out to as many people as you can, and then do the second interview over the phone. Get to know people a little bit. Give people a chance. Otherwise, you’re just going to meet the same people over and over again.
Elizabeth, Kristen,
I moved from NY (LI) to Pheonix, AZ. to attend college in 1984 and went out often to the nightclubs with many cousins I had who lived there. One of the first times I went out w/ them I was quite shocked to be asked by a young pretty lady who asked me to dance out of an entire table of guys. What was most shocking to me was I just turned 19 and had been going to large nightclubs in NY SINCE I was 16 and continued till I left 2 days before my 19th birthday. {For those of you too young to remember; the drinking age for most of the USA was 18 and NY Drivers Licenses at that time didn’t have a picture and was made of paper not plastic like today–so easy to fool bartenders and bouncers}. I had never EVER been asked to dance w/ a lady in Long Island. This had happened many times as well while in AZ. The ladies were so much friendlier and outgoing. Since moving back to NY it still has never happened and women don’t ask me to dance w/ them. While I was there I never asked a lady to dance w/ me who I didn’t find attractive. I NEVER TURNED DOWN ANY LADIES WHO TOOK THE TIME, EFFORT, AND MOST OF ALL COURAGE TO ASK ME TO DANCE W/ THEM; EVEN IF I WAS NOT AT ALL INTERESTED IN THEM PHYSICALLY!!!
HOW MANY OF YOU LADIES OUT THERE CAN SAY THAT THEY NEVER REFUSED A SIMPLE DANCE WITH A GUY. I once, as nice as I could mocked; a woman who replied to David Wygant that she was not at all interested in playing a GAME of tick tack toe on the fogged refrigerator door at a grocery store. She never replied back to me or that blog and she continued for a few months to post often on David’s other blogs. It was a GAME David talked about at a grocery store to help break the ice. I’m sure she does’nt think she is stuck up or mean but what a … David thanked me for that reply and she probably never saw that either. HOW MANY OF YOU LADIES OUT THERE ARE TO GOOD TO PLAY A FREAKIN’ GAME OR DANCE W/ A GUY OR GO TO THE BEACH OR ROLLER SKATING OR ?????
Too many times I felt hurt or rejected or both!! IF YOUR AT ALL INTERESTED IN THE OPPOSITE SEX OR APPROACHED IN A FRIENDLY NON-THREATENING WAY WHAT CAN IT HURT TO SPEND A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE TO EASE A LITTLE BIT OF SOME ONE ELSES PAIN OF GETTING UP THE COURAGE JUST TO GET SHOT DOWN BY A MEAN NASTY BI… OBVIOUSLY THIS IS DIFFERENT IF THE PERSON IS STUPID DRUNK OR OBNOXIOUS.
Too many women are too afraid to talk to a guy who is too shy or is not ALPHA MALE. I’m a nice guy, too shy and not alpa male. I’m learning from DW to be more outgoing and trying to be more Alpha Male. Too bad most women won’t give a guy a chance who might be a little shy and may not look directly into your eyes. Thank goodness I can at least carry on a conversation and I can look a woman in the eyes. Approach is my problem, shyness my excuse afraid to get turned down AGAIN.
No Elizabeth we men don’t hate women who we find un appealing smiling or checking us out. We all like to think the opposite sex is interested in us. I don’t hate funny looking babies who drool all over themselves who smile at me either. A smile is just a way to say hello or be friendly. I sometimes go to NYC and because I’m a friendly kind of guy I often say hello while I smile at men and women, young and old while walking down the street; most people in NYC are not so friendly and walk right on by w/o acknowledging me or even saying hi back.
DW you are right about Shama. She needs a lot of help to get over her issues and it’ll be small baby steps for her. I also need a lot of help and I’m gonna tune into DW on the same Bat Channel same Bat Time to get past my fears and shyness. Yes I’m getting better cuz of DW and this site. Thanks Dave
Go Jets!! It would have been nice to beat the Pats w/ Brady @ QB.
hey jim,
i think its great that you will dance w/ any woman who asks you and i agree that its always nice to be polite to someone of the opposite sex who takes the initiative and makes the effort to interact w/ u – but im not sure why the rest of your hostile-sounding remark was addressed to kristen & i
i cant speak for her, but i am a shy gal and my question was just asking an opinion – i dont know where you got “hate” from – i was just wondering if men felt uncomfortable in that situation
i dont know what woman/women have not talked to you when you made an effort but im sure there are equal numbers of men and women who are not willing to chat w/ someone of the opposite sex they dont find attractive (just as there are probably equal numbers of each sex who are)
Definitely sounds on the hostile side. I agree w/ the other girls… I can be shy, and I have operated under the theory that if a guy is truly interested, he’s going to approach. Otherwise I figure he just wasn’t that into meeting me. If a guy doesn’t approach, or do anything, then I assume (guilty here of thinking I know what someone else is thinking!) that he’s not interested enough. In my experience, I’ve found that a number of beta males harbor resentment towards women for what women in their past did or didn’t do. It’s always nice when a normal, nice guy approaches or says hi, and most of my friends are friendly and polite even if the interest isn’t there for us. Don’t let the B—’s ruin it for all the nice girls out there.
C
You need to stop thinking so much and start enjoying the moment. Too many people spend way too much time thinking about all the things that can or should happen.
When I see someone i want to talk to………..i dont think about all the monkey chatter….i just walk up and talk.
Something that everyone needs to do.
Elizabeth
I’m sorry if I appeared hostile. I think it’s more fustrated than anything. My shyness does not receive any help by being turned down. I could be wrong but I think it is hard for anyone of either sex to be turned down especially if they are not too friendly when shooting some one down. I don’t know maybe our friend DW will say I’m BITTER or ???.
I got the word hate out of your last sentence.
Wow before I could finish this now C also thinks I was hostile too. Maybe I need some therapy besides a weekend w/ Dave.
WOW # 2. I think it is amazing how many people on this Blog of both sexes (not too many people or responses here but of the few that are here) say that they are SHY. Way too many of us!!! MUST follow DW to the ends of the earth. Or at least break out from the PLAUGE known as SHYNESS. Bunch of wussies who can’t start a conversation with a human being who won’t kill you.
I MUST start with ME!!! MUST re read this post until I figure it out. NEVER EVER GOING TO DIE TALKING TO THE LADIES. JIM; NEVER EVER GOING TO DIE FROM TALKING. NEVER EVER GOING…
Jim
JIM IS NEVER GOING TO DIE TALKING TO THE LADIES!!
Not to be the pessimist here but let’s face it, and how to put this gently, a lot of this depends on who is doing the flirting. If someone does not catch your eye chances are there is a reason and all the flirting or witty banter is not going to change that. I’m not trying to be mean but we all know the feeling, trying to make eye contact or start a conversation with someone you are initially attracted to but they barely notice your alive. HOWEVER as with all things in life there are exceptions, we always see some couples and say WTF???? How did they end up together?
DAVID GREAT ADVICE AS ALWAYS!! I SHOULD TAKE YOUR ADVICE. NEVER GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rob – I don’t think you’re being pessimistic, and it’s probably true that if someone is not attracted to someone who is looking, staring or smiling at them that flirting is not going to change that …
… but maybe the lesson is SO WHAT? If you’re interested in someone, then smile, look and say hello so that you at least give yourself a chance to make the connection. If the other person is interested – fantastic … and if they’re not – move on and NEXT!
You are right though … people watch for one day lookinga at all the couples that pass by — and you will quickly lose your assumptions about what everyone finds attractive
Busted!
Thanks for the great advice David!.
I’m one of these classy and confidence-inspiring women who has no problem flirting, touching lightly, and encouraging a man when she is definitely interested. But positive rapport is created when a man is enthusiastic in his approach, exudes confidence, and exhibits respectful appreciation of my femininity while drinking in every word of our verbal and non-verbal conversation. Powerful! Intoxicating!
I’m really enjoying reading all these comments. It’s funny actually.
Shy men complain women don’t show enough interest and I agree.
Shy women rebukes by saying they are shy too and prefer men to really man up and initiate by approaching… which I ALSO agree.
The irony is that… confident men might not approach the shy women at all b/c these women don’t seem approachable, they don’t seem interested (based on the body language) or they just plainly don’t seem as fun (or flirty) as the more social ones. It’s just too much work for them to approach a woman who seems “cold” when what ANY man looks for is receptiveness from the woman.
So I have an idea for all of the shy people out there: stop being shy!
I had to learn to overcome a lot of my insecurities to become who I am today. Shyness doesn’t help in any situation, be it business or dating.
So… anyone wanna get coaching now? ;p
hey everyone,
gosh, I feel anxious just reading a lot of these comments! the anxiety comes from thinking outside of the present moment.
forget where it’s going to lead, just find something that works for you in the moment for connecting with people. it doesn’t matter if they are men or women, multimillionaires or bartenders. when you remove any thoughts about anything beyond this present moment, right now, you can connect.
the second you start thinking about what might happen tomorrow, or next week, or next year, it creates anxiety. and anxiety makes it very difficult to connect. other people pick up on anxiety and become anxious around you.
I just blogged about how I use energy healing to connect with people: http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com
I’m sure there are a million similar “neutral” things that are totally non-threatening to people and will give you an excuse and a vehicle for reaching out to anyone at the bar …
My problem is I got the hints, but was too busy engulfed in my own excuses to make the move. Recently I have done this with one of the coolest girls I have met so far in my life, she was a good friend for about over 6 months, she would always give me “the smile” , double takes and very excited greetings. Now the situation is pretty ugly because I became the friend and stepped over the line when her interest was no longer there.
I was too passive, always beating around the bush, not flirting, never letting my interest be known, while gathering information, finding out that me and her had soooo much in common.
My biggest mistake is I was never myself around her, because I thought that she wouldnt like the real me. I always show interest and flirt with the girls that I don’t really like that much, but not with her, man I hate myself.
This is one of those intriguing blogs i love so much on this site! It’s really really.. educational, if you will
I’m going through this right now..
I actually approach guys half way to let them approach me, cause I know that it makes it easier for them to not have to do all the “reading” and approaching.. I have worked against my old beliefs that a guy should approach you first and do all the flirting and SHOULD be able to understand your “signs” etc.
About initiating another “hang out”; it’s easily done.. I told this guy I’m hanging out with/flirting with right now, that I thought he was really funny and ended our text messaging by saying: “you’re quite the funny guy.. let’s do lunch again!” then he said: “how about tomorrow?”
since that “first” move of mine.. he always asks me out for lunch, movies etc..of course I still initiate hang outs.. but it’s not that “awkward” anymore..and we already have a “thing”.. hehe..
He’s really open because of my obiviousness (!) and I get soo much in return for it
Girls, these comments and this blog is a HUUUGE lesson!!
When a man I’m not attracted to shows me he likes me in a nice way I am always thrilled by the compliment. When a man I am attracted to shows me he likes me I am always thrilled as well (obviously). We women are socialized constantly not to be too aggressive or to act “needy” when sometimes we just want to grab a guy and drag him back to our feline den and eat him up. But for both men and women a little shyness when you are really attracted is probably natural. I’ve tried making the first move with men who have flirted with me previously who seemed interested and it often threw them off and didn’t work…maybe men, like women are still constantly socialized to feel they should be the one to make the first move…or maybe its the hunter, mating thing in all of us – hard to know. If you are a shy guy and politely show someone you like them most women will probably be flattered even if they can’t reciprocate and might start to count you as a friend or buddy at the least.
And it never hurts to have new friends…especially if you are shy…and especially if they are of the opposite sex. One woman could lead to another woman who could lead to THE WOMAN, so be generous to people who reject you in one way but accept you in another. You never know what blessing could be awaiting you around the corner. PS: Thanks to everyone on this blog (especially the men) for helping me realize I have probably been being WAY too subtle towards someone I like. Thanks for the advice. Two decades ago when I first met my husband of 17 years he told me when we finally got together: “Why did you wait all this time to tell me?” I said, “You didn’t know? I thought I was being SO obvious.” So ladies, don’t pass up your possible soul mate by assuming ANYTHING EVER.