It’s Monday, and the start of my birthday week. Do you have birthday weeks, or just 24 hours of fun? I decided that I am going to milk the birthday thing all week . . . so start sending those presents!
For today’s blog, however, let’s talk about something you never want to celebrate…
For some reason or other, some of you miss the q&a blogs. I personally did not miss them . . . until this email arrived. When I saw it, I absolutely could not resist addressing it.
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EMAIL FROM A FEMALE READER
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Dear David,
I’m so hot for this guy. He did everything right. The first few dates were amazing, it was almost like he read a manual to my heart — that is until the 5th date.
We were making out in the car. I was so full of desire for him, and I knew this was the night I was going to sleep with him. So I told him I wanted to see his house. But when I saw his house, I couldn’t wait to leave!
Not to sound crude, but I went from being wet to being as dry as The Sahara so fast that the weatherman thought a cold front had moved in. His living room was beyond description. I ignored it — I figured he just had bad taste in furniture.
When I got to his bedroom, I saw his bed was a mattress on the floor. The sheets and the comforter were in a ball. Candles with no candle holder were on the floor with wax melted on the carpet.
After seeing all that, I needed a minute so I went to the bathroom to freshen up. When I got there, the first thing I saw around the rim of the toilet bowl was what appeared to be a year’s worth of pubes. At that point, the idea of sex was done! I told him I had a headache (which I did), and asked him to take me home.
I want to see him again, but I don’t know what to say. David – HELP!
Pubeless In Seattle
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MY ANSWER TO MY FEMALE READER
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Dear Pubeless,
This is probably the funniest email I’ve ever read. Pubeless In Seattle, you just couldn’t be any funnier!
With your sense of humor, you’ve just got to tell him, “Listen, Dude, I like you but you are an animal.” You can flat out tell him the truth and, if you do it with the sense of humor you used with me, he might crack up and get a maid. You might see a whole different apartment the next time you go there.
I wouldn’t insult him about his outdated furniture until you’re in a relationship with him. Then you can shop til your heart’s desire.
David
Let’s go even deeper into this. What’s wrong with animals (and I’m not talking about cats and dogs)?
I remember the first night a woman I was casually dating about a year and a half ago invited me to her apartment. The place was crawling with cats. Her bathroom was repulsive. The shower was so dirty that you could see footprints on the floor. All I could think about was which disease I would catch if I slept with her.
To me, someone whose house is disgusting makes me feel that their personal hygiene is also disgusting. I immediately think about bad breath.
I just don’t get it. You work so hard to build up chemistry with someone and to meet someone really fantastic, and then you ruin it by bring her back to your zoo. I’ve seen some litter boxes that are cleaner than some people’s houses.
I can’t put up with this. It’s an immediate turn-off to any man or woman to go to someone’s house and have it look like the person doesn’t even own a sponge or a brush (and I’m not talking about a hairbrush or a toothbrush, but a toilet brush). It’s just gross.
So what I suggest before you start dating, is to take a course on how to keep your house clean. I also suggest that if you are going to invite someone over to your house to get romantic (or really for any reason), that you be sure the house is clean.
Make sure the bathroom and the sheets are clean. No one should have to sleep on sheets you drooled on the night before or that have surprise stains on them from a masturbation session you had the night before. Candles should be new. There should be no dishes in the sink.
The place should be clean and inviting. You should have an extra toothbrush for someone — a new one, not a used one.
Show that you’ve actually had guests before in your place. Act like this isn’t the first person who has ever been to your place.
To help you out, here is a list of ten things that you should ALWAYS do before you invite someone over for a little romance:
1.Clean your toilet
2.Clean your sink
3.Wash your dishes (and have no dishes in the sink)
4.Have toilet paper (not old socks piled up by the toilet paper roll)
5.Candles should be new
6.Dust should be less than a quarter inch thick
7.Have an extra new toothbrush
8.Have soap with no pubic hairs on it
9.Have clean sheets on your bed
10.Have a clean towel in the bathroom
Oh, and one more note to my reader Pubeless…
Pubeless, thanks for your great email! I really never thought we’d have to do this type of blog, but I’m sure your pube collector is not alone. I’m sure there are other members of the pube tribe.
Greetings from Ireland
Hilarious… I was dating a girl a while ago and went back to her place, but her place was a disgrace….. it’s simple to keep the place tidy, I’m a lad and I can do it.. i couldn’t see the floor with all the clothes and rubbish around…. awesome girl – shame about the house….
Great blog again
Philip
I do not have any stones to throw my trailer looked like hurricane Isaac revisited I would be ashamed to have anyone even my parents to come here. So today since I was off I decided okay it is time to get this damn place cleaned before I hit the computer.
I understand where she is coming I have been in some bachelors pads that look like they have been lived in but I overlook it though. But some hey why not offer to help clean it up and then you two can share some time together give a hand.
Like I have been told a way to the man/woman heart is a clean place. I wondered what their cars look like mine is starting to look like a dump trunk.
A person can say if you need someone to help clean the place I will be glad to help you. Do it in a way where it wont be offending. Sometimes the guy will say or I may say please don’t look at the house I have been busy at work and did not have to clean.
Thanks, David, for pointing out that girls don’t care for the unkempt!
I celebrate my birthday all week long, due to the date: I was born on February 29th! This means that I only have a real birthday once every four years. On the regular years, I got tired of deciding whether I wanted to celebrate on February 28 or on March 1, so I just tell my friends to drop by all week long!
This year, my birthday was supposed to fall on some time gap between those two days (Friday/Saturday), so I went out partying since Wednesday all the way to Saturday… I had the greatest time!
By the way, thanks for last week’s podcast – I am doing what I love, and it’s a long way to the top (if you wanna rock & roll), but I’m enjoying myself sooooooo much!
that guy is disgusting unbelievable people like that exist!
and a great question pubeless in Seattle.
jimmi hopefully this blog really helps you out:)
I really feel sorry for that guy, he did everything right until the last minute messy house:(
I feel the same way Lance, if he got everything right, why not just clean the place, its not hard!
Pubeless- you need to let him know.
Very interesting blog today David LOL
i got to agree this the funniest dating question i ever heard?
i am sorry to hear that for the lady.
i say you move on there are plenty of single dw trained guys here:)
howe- you can go to hell
Hahah. Ok, I’ll readily admit there have been times when I havent had all 10 of those things.
There’ve been times when I’ve had a knock on my door, and something would have happened, but because my room was so bad, I refused to let anyone in.
Good list actually, when I move back to uni I’ll print it off and check it every sunday or so and see if I’m still keeping up!
If you fancy taking any suggestions (I know you’ve always got decent ideas for blogs), cool, romantic or sexual things to put in you room would be a nice entry if you’ve got time!
Pete
Hope you have a great birthday week, David!
Mine was last week, I was invited by surprise
to do some of my favorite stuff by a lady I
really like. All the plans changed at the last
minute, and it turned out to be the most fun
I’ve had on a birthday and with her.
The house thing’s funny. I’m not the world’s
best at keeping it spotless, but when anyone’s
coming over, I do try to get the dog hair swept
up, the dishes clean, and the bathrooms and
bedrooms cleaned. It even makes it nicer for me.
happy b-day drd!
I am in a messy period right now and it’s easy to tell thats when I am not feeling my best. My house is also spotless when I am really feeling good. But the flip side of the coin, people who overfuss about their homes is often another warning signal. I have meet plenty of people who are a mess mentally and with a lot of issues, but their home is immaculate. We often prefer to control things we can control when we have big issues with ourselves we can’t control.
Thanks Jimmi, same to you when it’s time. The happy from this past weekend is still here
for me!
Whether you are dating or doing anything else in life, the fundamentals are the key. The article really highlights this point. Personal hygiene, cleanliness where you live and the way you lead your lives are as important as working on your job. If these are missing, you would not only lose your date but lose out on much in life.
i don’t understand why people’s are not concernd about personal hygiene these day. it’s a good exercise for you to clean up your own territory.
this blogs remind me sometime ago and if not mistaken david had wrote another blogs about “car cleanness” last year 2008. it related to personal hygiene also. you guys can check it out and quite interesting !
Great blogs.
Thanks
Happy Birthday to you David Wygant (47) !
Mmmm, this one has me stumped. You mean to tell me there are men out there that still don’t shave their panoony? *smacks lips* I love me an ‘all natural’ man….they just don’t make em like they used to.