Don’t Overtry BY David Wygant
The following is a talk I gave to a client at a weekend bootcamp. This is a great example of my direct one-on-one coaching during bootcamps.
Whenever you try too hard in life to get people to like you, you push everybody away.
When you do this, you’re too over the top and you’re generally not listening to people. You’re actually overwhelming them.
It’s like a Golden Retriever: have you ever gone over to someone’s house and they have a Golden Retriever, and you’ve never met this dog before, but the dog will just not leave you alone? It just keeps running over to you, bringing you its ball, and all of its toys and everything?
In a dog, this is a great quality. In a human – well, you don’t want to be a human Golden Retriever.
Both men and women do it. When people try too hard, it’s just too much. You get in somebody’s face, and they automatically want to back down. I watch when a guy will go out there and be a human Golden Retriever – and I watch the way women react. At first, they will find him attractive, because he has great energy, but then after two minutes, she’ll just try to shoo him away.
She hasn’t gotten to know the guy in those two minutes, because generally the human Golden Retriever is just spitting out hyperactive words the whole time instead of connecting.
By tuning yourself down a little bit, and by listening and being intriguing, you’re no longer going to be a human Golden Retriever – you’ll be a person. And that’s all that it is about. It’s about connecting with people in a genuine way.
After this weekend, some of you guys will keep in touch with some of the guys here a little bit longer than you might keep in touch with some of the other guys – that’s just life. That’s chemistry.
So stop trying so hard. You’re such a deep and genuine soul. You’re a good person all around. You don’t need to try so hard to prove yourself to other people. So stop overtrying
Todays video dives even deeper into life and how to present yourself to a total stranger with confidence.
You do not want to be the human golden retriever.
talk about trying too hard, i often does that when it comes to girls.
definitely a bad habit, not just trying too hard to be liked, but often times its trying too hard to have the perfect comeback or always try to be funny, and it usually end up killing the vibe of the interaction.
Indeed. While it does feel good to do things for other people and offer help, but the irony I noticed is that the more you do, the less they wanted to do for you. Then when you ignore them or put them on such a priority, here they come
Ack, I meant “don’t put them on such a priority.”
Overtrying, yes one of the things all of us do which completely screws everything up. You really have to match the energy of the woman you are talking to. You can’t try to be something or do something, its all about connecting in the moment and that’s it!
totally agree with Rich, thats what makes david’s teaching amazing. because it is about the art and state of being not doing.
I catch myself thinking and anylizing alot myself. I sometimes forget to be happy and relaxed with what I am doing. I am so often consumed by objectives that I feel like I am not having fun just being in the moment with myself.
In case any of you were checking up on the sun tan girl, I got some cahonies, got her number, and asked her out to walk our dogs on a Sunday afternoon. The good news is I got the nerve to ask her out. The bad news is she flaked on me
. I know now where I stand and thats ok. I hope I didnt overtry but perhaps I did. So far, I hav gotten the same or close to the same reaction and response from every girl (I am actually into) I have talked to. I have approached, connected and engaged in conversation, hit it off, got the number, called or text within a reasonable time, and get flaked on at the end. This is the first girl that at least let me attempt to make plans with her, but I have a feeling its not a quiality that all these women share, but in fact it has to do with something I am doing wrong. My guess, I sub-conciously give off the “objective seeking vibe” somehow, although I do try to be very light hearted and fun, perhaps I am trying too hard? Perhaps I need to learn to be completely at peace with myself before engaging with other people? Any suggestions???
~J~
Jesse W. – I don’t know you at all
But it looks like you just overanalyzed yourself here ;P
Hmm, I guess we all try too hard sometimes, because we are not always self – reliant. It takes time to become self – reliant
Haha, but I do something on purpose though, and that is to kill really good jokes by continuing to try and be funny and keep the good humour going!…I overdo comebacks etc.. It has eventually become my gimmick.. I’m known for that by my closest friends
Jesse W-
“objective seeking vibe” – that’s something that I used to think and still think sometimes, and use as an excuse not to do anything or take action. Its probably just a really good excuse you’ve made up, so try not to pay attention to it.
Jesse W.,
If you are too “objective seeking”, you show too much eagerness.
Meeting and dating women should feel effortless for the both of you. You want to create a pressure-less atmosphere where both of you can open up and connect with each other.
However, if the women you desire keep on flaking on you, it might be that you are projecting the wrong energy. Are you intriguing them enough? Are you asking them out from a position of power and self-respect?
No woman wants to feel that you are begging her to go out but at the same time, no woman wants to go on a boring date. So how are you conveying yourself to her?
David, I absolutely must comment on both today’s blog and today’s video … double home run!!! I loved them both
You had me laughing as I read the blog — it’s really a perfect analogy … when someone is that overanxious, you appreciate that their intentions are in the right place — but you can only stand for so long that they have invaded your “personal space” so you end up needing to get away from them.
As for the video, what a fantastic example of your coaching style David!! This video demonstrates perfectly how what you teach people is really all about making an internal shift — and how better dating success is really just one byproduct of that.
Even though you were speaking to a guy, and talking about how that guy was acting around women, I think what you talked about can apply to everyone (including women).
Deciding to work on yourself and your personal growth will not only change how you process what happens to you … but it also will affect how the whole world around you responds and reacts to you. It’s pretty incredible how interconnected all of that is …
Thanks David for two great posts today!
You guys are the best, I am so happy I stumble across this page! I love your input and I take it to heart.
~J~
Khiem-
From what I thought I was come at it from a position of power and self-respect (I was always confident in my approaches and i social proofed myself with the post date text trick (she asked about the girl on a different occasion)). My body language was always good. Perhaps it is something I am doing from an sub-concious level to detract the women I am persueing, because its been close to the same story with all the girl I have been attracted to, but not to the ones I wasn’t attracted to.
Jesse,
Here’s the thing. Being a powerful man isn’t a technique. Social proof and body language aren’t tricks. Your approaches and follow-ups aren’t working because you’re focusing on the wrong things and it will always show through, despite your best efforts.
The way to approach confidently is simply to approach. As yourself. You walk over to a girl and start talking to her. No tricks, no gimmicks.
If you find afterward that you were doubting yourself, that you got a funny reaction, that something didn’t go right, then ask yourself why. What did you doubt about yourself? Sit down and deal with it honestly. Get over that inhibition and try again.
Did you get a funny reaction? Again, why? Were you relevant to this situation? Approaching isn’t about picking the right technique, it’s about being in the moment.
When you approach based on techniques, it’s almost impossible to let your honest and real personality show through. The woman can sense you’re being fake and, even though she might respond positively for a while, her attitude won’t last because you’re not building a real, authentic connnection.
Just being you was always good enough. Don’t listen to the guys who tell you otherwise.
– Patrick
JessieW,
Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. Seriously, I had tears rolling down my cheeks I was laughing so hard.
While I agree with some of the advice and opinions offered to you today, I can’t say that any of the people that responded to your post are going to be able to take responsibility for sending you “back out into the wild” to make a successful “kill”. If you like my metaphor for the dating scene or social interaction then chances are your intentions with that particular person, from whom you already scored the number, were transparent.
That’s why she bailed on your date and that’s why you will probably not be able to set a second date with her. If you are able to, more power to you and don’t blow it by talking more than she does or letting her in on every thought that’s dribbling out of your head. If she seems distracted when you are talking to her, it’s because you’re talking TO her and not WITH her. Women want to be heard and agreed with, so listen up…agree.
*See my comments about what to do if you don’t get the 2nd date at the end of this post*
Introduce humor that is relevant to the discussion and when appropriate (asking if the turkey is good here followed by a knock-knock joke or a random outburst to a complete stranger is going to make you seem unstable and will likely ruin any chance you may’ve had with her). As a matter of fact, Jessie, maybe you should just leave the witty comebacks and jokes alone until after the third date. Relax and stop trying to entertain a woman. There are plenty of clowns and fakes roaming the streets, don’t give her a reason to think that you’re one of them.
Last but not least, don’t force anything. If you come off too desperate, horny or clingy you can again kiss your chances buh-bye. It is true, women like to be pursued, but they love to pursue. If the woman of your desire doesn’t show the slightest hint of desire towards you, let it go. Don’t waste your time trying to please or win over someone that you couldn’t please or win over to begin with.
Which leads me to what to do if you don’t get the 2nd date; If you don’t get the 2nd date, do us all a favor by not giving her the satisfaction, the boosted ego and a subject for countless jokes with her friends by continuing to pursue her. Drop her and move on to the next. You never know, the fact that you dropped her so quickly may intrigue her.
You see, there is no single method of attracting or meeting women because yes, there are a lot of commonly-known desires of women, but until you are able to identify and exploit that additional set of desires that is unique to each woman, I would advise leaving the hunting to the hunters and be happy with the scraps that you are blessed with.
-Harvey D
And to Kristen…
Could your desire for David be any more obvious???
Harvey D
ow… my pride…
lol… but I think you make sense. Especially looking at these blog and videos as of late. Perhaps I need to channel the attitude I have toward women I am not interested in (since they seem to pursue me). Most importantly, I need to not worry or care as much. By doing that I feel I can be myself completely and there will be so sense of fakeness or whatever vibe poeple get if I am trying to hard.
~J~
Jesse,
You’re still thinking technique. Just be yourself.
– Patrick
I should but, myself has a very eager and impatient side i am trying to overcome…
Being yourself is learn to be more attuned to your masculine essence.
Jesse, your self-work is great! Don’t stop but at the same time, don’t overcomplicate things.
Being yourself means shedding all the layers of insecurities that you do not need so you can shine and attract anyone around you.
Good luck!
“Be more attuned to your masculine essence.” I have no clue what that means, could you eloborate?
~J`
Jessie,
Quit thinking about how you should be and just be…make sense? If you are truly looking for anything more than a one-night-stand or pbysical relationship then you have to be and love yourself. If you’re modifying your behavior to attract someone you aren’t being true to yourself.
Good luck man…
Jesse,
What I’m saying is don’t overcomplicate things by over-thinking.
If you stop the monkey chatter and clear your mind of clutter and self-doubt, you can start listening attentively to what your instinct and what your body tells you.
You can start “being” attractive instead of “trying” to be attractive.
A lot of times, your gut knows what to do. Being confident is listening to your gut and acting on it IMMEDIATELY. There’s no room for doubt… and surprisingly, when you live like that, you end up doing the very things you love. You end up doing the very things you were meant to be and people become more attracted to you because of that.