Are You a Flake? By David Wygant
I think I’ve written a couple of blogs on flakiness and dating before. A lot of people say, “I don’t understand. I seem to meet women (or men) and they just always seem to flake out on me.”
Here’s the thing: in general, people tend to be pretty flaky. Assume that people are going to be flaky.
Why are most people flaky? They have their own stuff going on – they are busy with work, with friends, with their dog or their cat – maybe they are busy chasing the FedEx guy around. Who knows why they flake?
But it gets more and more difficult to meet people as people in general become more disillusioned with dating. This is when they tend to flake out.
There are countless times that I’ve met women who I’ve been on the fence about – I wasn’t quite sure she was worth giving up a night for – and so we made plans, but the day before we were supposed to meet, I decided that she wasn’t really worth it. So I flaked. We’ve all done it. We’ve all been there.
In dating, people try to play it very safe. Very few people let out their full personality when they are dating. I’m not talking about verbally vomiting everything you’ve got on the table on your first date, but I think that we don’t really give people a peek into who we really are to intrigue them.
The key here is this intrigue. If you intrigue someone enough – even if it is just five minutes in person or ten minutes on the phone – I think people would flake much less.
As you get older, you begin to learn about what you really like and you just want to be excited about somebody – I’m not talking about doing back flips or anything like that – but you want to be somewhat excited. You want to look forward to giving up one of your evenings to spend it with this person.
You might just be giving up a night of television, but it doesn’t really matter – you are still giving up your own time. The older we get, the pickier we become, the more precious our time is, the more interest we have and the more satisfied we are in our own lives. This is why we tend not to just give up a night. We only want to give up our time to people who really intrigue us.
If you’re on the fence about somebody, my suggestion is to get him or her on the phone again. If you’re a woman and you’re on the fence about a man, call him one last time. The same goes with a man for a woman. Lob one last phone call at her, and see if there is any interest or any sparks.
You could also possibly throw them an email and try to get a flirtatious banter going. If you’re not fully intrigued by somebody it’s really not worth giving up a night.
There are plenty of people out there – you have to have an abundance mentality in life. There are plenty of people to meet and date. Personally, I’m not a huge dater at all. I really kind of just go with the flow. If somebody interests me, I’ll go out with her. If not, I’m not going to go out on a date just for the sake of going out on a date.
Last night, I went to the beach, took the dog for a long walk, had dinner with a friend – and that was a great night. If I meet somebody, I’m much more in the mindset of just hanging out and getting to know each other. I know it right from the start if someone interests me.
So these days, I tend to not flake. I’ll make a phone call and get to know a woman over the phone, and if she doesn’t interest me, I’m done. I don’t need to pursue it. I don’t feel like I need to give somebody a second chance.
But some of us do. So if you are ever on the fence about somebody, give him or her a second chance. Lob an email at them. Lob a phone call. Maybe they were nervous the first time you spoke to them. Maybe their real personality will shine on this second chance. But give them that second chance before you totally write them off.
As for flaking, I’ve always said that I don’t believe that flaking exists. I believe that you’re just not interested in somebody or that they didn’t intrigue you enough. Flaking is not really the issue here. It’s really about letting go and letting yourself out.
Ya, I had a couple of girls flake on me over the weekend. Guess I didn’t intrique them enough. I like the idea that flaking is always for a reason and we have to take responsibility for it. Next time I will intrique them more.
i’m alright with flaking most of the time, unless it’s last minute, than it will probably irritate me, because thats usually a lot of time wasted if i was flaked last minute.
Shit if its last minute, its like you were so close to getting it, its crazy. That would piss me off so much, but at the same time I would know that I did a better job than i did this weekend.
lol that you did, but ya last minute means you spend the time to get ready, drive to the place you were gonna meet up, cancel the plans with your buddy, just to know that things are canceled. i guess i still have alot to learn ;p
ya, you were a few steps from the finish line! But anyways, I also think more people should have a second chance mindset. Many, including myself at one point, wouldn’t even think about walking up and talking to a person again, or calling them again, if we thought it went terrible the first time. But in reality, alot of people might still give you the time of day.
lol, i can totally relate to that! so many times if i get blown off ridiculously, i won’t think about talking to them again. but when it comes to flakes i usually give a second chance
Yes never assume that anything is done until you have concrete proof. Always be open to the possibilities.
lol true, but i think there should still be a fine line between letting go and persistence. Because by seeking for a concrete proof to the extreme, you might appears like the dude with no life thats playing with himself at night.
Yes True! I am that guy sometimes! But now i back off and realize that there are more options and I stop putting all the pressure on one option! you can meet someone else in the next 5 minutes!
exactly, theres plenty of fish out there. although sometimes we get caught in the moment, and think that one we obsess with is better than all the prettier fish out there. Which is often not the case!
“But in reality, alot of people might still give you the time of day.”
Well said, Rich! I’m with you.
We tend to forget it but every now and then someone just gives you the time of your day! By chance, or because you decided to just talk to them anyway, or just because you stayed outside a little longer without anything to do, before you went back inside.
I was tired and low-spirited when suddenly these two little kids came up that I had been playing basketball on skates with earlier this week! THEY talked to ME, lol. I felt wonderful. Kids are something else.
Yea, I have a HUGE problem with flaking! Anyone who’s hung out with me for long enough will know that I go out and meet people A LOT. And yet, my efforts don’t seem to be translating into very many actual meet-ups
I kinda feel it’s my fault though… sometimes I get lazy and don’t follow-through… and other times I get the sense that I don’t make a strong enough connection or I don’t “intrigue” the girl enough as David said. I’d really like to see another blog about that whole topic of intrigue in the near future!
Ya Pete, the possibilities are amazing once you are very open to them. Those two kids brightened your day it sounds like. And yes, Rey I obsess about the prettier fish all the time. In fact, on friday night, i almost went home early because i was obsessing about the prettier fish and how she didnt call me back!!! I would have missed out on the next fun 3 hours I had!
hey Taras girls don’t need to be “intrigued” that much, its more the connection part, i’ve seen you work and it’s looking at myself in the mirror, we stick with the monotone dialog with no range of emotions, however you are making great progress everytime i see you. And yes you are lazy : )
Ya, if you really start to watch flirting, you will see girls repelled by the monotone/nervous voice that is discussing something boring or factual. Its hilarious and it will make you never want to go there again!
i think the easiest way to tell if a guy is nervous, is you can see the intense eye contact with a weird growl on the top of the head. it’s like a shadow on the top half of the guy’s head.
Thanks Rey! I’m definetley still a work in progress at these things. Although, I should also mention that I’m not always Mr. Monotone when I go out. It just takes me a while to get into “state” sometimes. Still, the connection part needs to be improved for sure!
Ya, it takes a while for me to get out of my boring mindset. A couple minutes talking to people and then I feel at ease and like its incredibly easy.
oh yeah, its the whole momentum thing. sometimes its fast, sometimes it’s slow. but once i hit that mindset, it’s over : )
Ya I feel like anything is possible. I don’t even think those annoying thoughts that stop you everyime. Much easier to do than to think.
ya rich totally agree with you, however it’s not a good idea when i hit that mind state when i’m drunk, than i just start saying obnoxious crap like “i’m shy, but my dick is not” than i start getting the funny look!
see David, i cant’ say whatevers on my mind!
ya there’s a fine line there too-> you can’t say everything thats on your mind because that is just ridiculous. Picking and choosing the best stuff is half the fun.
ya thats why it’s half the fun! because not picking is still the funnest whether it’s ridiculous or not!
But Rey, if you tell the woman that she is a dumb b$#$$, she will run away every time!!!
not unless, shes drunk with low self-esteem! but ya you’re right :/
Then, in that case she’ll jump right on you!!! Best closing line ever!!
You guys know how i feel about low self esteem women,
And all this time i thought you guys were iming someone and right under my nose you are playing on the blog:)
very funny
ya, if only that was the case : (
hey you may feel bad about low self esteem chick. but me and rich are not exactly complaining that much about them right now!
Ya, we just want to do the deed! a couple more years and maybe, just maybe we ll get past the stage where we can’t surpress our physical urges!
hahah, i like how you say “just maybe”
Sounds like Rey needs “Birthday Booty”… lol
Brad
He does but his birthday has passed.
lol leave me alone! i’m 19 and horny! (can’t believe im not 18 anymore
)
Boy Rey
I wish i was 19 knowing what i knew now,
Just one day and the world would be mine!!!
As for being 19……….
Rey buddy,
I wonder what do you do when you go out and see an attractive women everyday. You don’t start masturbating like BORAT. do you .
i agree with you guys i have my share of flaking people, actually i have had some realy bad ones but you learn to live with it and move on, plus its easier when ur drunk huh rey =P jk bro so how does it feel to be past the big 1-8?
really*
passing 18 is weird, i field i like i can’t use the excuse like “wtf i’m still young” anymore” and no tariq i don’t jerk off in the middle of the street, i only do that in the comfort of my own room.
yes, the world WILL be mine! and you definitely have a huge part of the credit David
Taking risks and 2nd chances can lead to awesome times!
Rey, I still think that somtimes too! We are in the same boat!
Rey, if it’s any consolation I’m 33 and hornier than ever!
Rich congrats on the cougar!
oh god, hope. if i get hornier by the year, i don’t know what i will become by the time i hit 33 ><
Oh wow, we ll leave Rey’s comment to all of our imaginations
Hah! Wow. ^
“flaking is not the issue here. it’s really about letting go and letting yourself out.”
lol –> the first .. maybe ten or so comments by rey and rich were about flaking! haha, funny conversation!
but seriously, the flaking part. i haven’t been flaked on YET! i haven’t flaked either, but that’s probably because i go out with guys i already know in some way (like through someone, or from work etc), so all the flaking shit would be embarassing
as for letting go on a date.. that’s a whole’nother issue! i feel people are so caught up in feeling that instant sparkle thing at some point during the date, that we tend to focus on THAT as in waiting for it to happen, instead of focusing on our dates..
i believe in second chances, but i believe in them during a date as well…
let go and keep a healthy focus. who knows, if it does not click romantically, you might just find an awesome friend in your date!
I think flaking can be prevented with the right amount of intrigue and connection.
You always want to make the person want more of you. You want to engage their imagination and curiosity. If they wonder about you, they’ll want to find out. The only way to find out is by going out with you.
However, connection is pretty important too. If the person doesn’t feel that you are respectable, trustworthy, credible… and genuine in the way you present yourself, they won’t waste their time on finding out. When you have a REAL connection, you can ask for people to commit to you… and that makes planning a whole lot easier.
Taras,
I haven’t seen you talk to girls before, but from the little times I’ve talked to you, I think you should try to convey your identity better. You seem a bit all over the place when you talk to the girls. I saw you jump topics so fast that it didn’t make sense. What were you trying to show through all your stories to the girls?
You want to be grounded… and be more consistent in what you show and tell the girls about yourself.
I’ve been flaked on quite abit — that’s not to say I also flake, but I know typically within the first date or two. Mostly first impressions are fairly accurate, however things happen so why not give a second date – never know if either party ‘radar is off’. As of late, I’ve been so half baked (people not being who they say they are) as I do a great deal of internet dating.
Back to the point of flaking, my experience has usually been after a few months has passed and I’ve started to become emotionally invested. Mind you, all is still a new relationship and everything is great (I’m not at all overwhelming, as I think space is very important). I guess its hard to explain via this forum… It’s made me gun-shy, I know it’s about letting go — I find it admirable that some people do it so readily and what’s surprising to me I’m getting older, it’s more difficult. It makes me wonder, do I actually gravitate towards those ‘who flake’
Dear David,
Women are very hard to meet. How do you do it? I have more complications trying to even talk to women! As I can say, you’re full of shit! I tried your lines & techniques and they’re FALSE! QUIT Bribing us Men into dating and let us believe the disillusional life of women. Or cyber world?
David
I do not use lines when i meet women,
So you are not getting the whole message about creating attraction and leaning how to become a great conversationalist.
You are still thinking in terms of pickup and routines.
Did you even do the observation practice and some of the other confidence building methods or did you just try to talk to women and get the numbers.
This takes time and there is no magic pill.
My stuff works it worked with me and thousands of others who follow and trust it.
I feel that you do not trust yourself at all and women sense that.
I have been doing this for a very long time and i have helped Davids like you.
Have you thought of taking a bootcamp?