Approaching In A Crowd
April 19, 2009 
11 Comments
Hey Everyone,
For this week, Sunday is Q&A day on the blog. Here are two more great questions you’ve submitted to me. Remember, if you are on my subscriber list and want to submit a question for me to answer in future blogs, simply respond to any one of the newsletter emails with your question.
If you’re not on my newsletter subscriber list and would like to be, all you need to do is go to the blue box at the upper right hand corner of each page of this website and submit your name and email. It’s that simple! Then as soon as you receive your first newsletter via email, you can submit your question!
Now, on to today’s questions!
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**Reader Question 1**
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Hi David,
How do you approach women in a situation where there are lots of people close by? For example, you step onto a train and there’s a really cute girl you like seated in the middle of a carriage and there’s 20-30 other people around. Let’s say you don’t have a seat next to that girl, how would you initiate an interaction then?Â
Kind Regards and thanks in advance,
Andrew
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**My Answer To Reader 1′s Question**
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This is a great question from Andrew: How do you approach a woman in a situation where there are lots of people close by? For example, this might happen if you step into a train and there’s a really cute girl you’d like to approach sitting in the middle of the cart, but there are twenty or thirty other people all around her.
Here’s what you would do in that (and any similar) situation. You just walk toward her, smile and ask her “How’s your day?” Just have a conversation with her.
The reason you hesitate to approach women in these situations is because you are focused on all the other people who are around her. Let me tell you something I tell guys over and over again: You are not front page news!
I remember one time a client of mine said to me, “David, I see women all the time I want to approach, but I don’t want to be rejected in front of other people.” I told him the exact same thing I’m saying in response to Andrew’s question: You are not front page news!
Let me put this into perspective. First, no matter what happens you’re not being rejected (as I talked all about in Wednesday’s blog and podcast). If you approach someone and they don’t respond positively to you, then they just don’t feel the same chemistry you do. So get rid of the “getting rejected” mindset right away.
Second, remember that other people really don’t care about you and what happens when you approach someone. They are too wrapped up in their own lives to care about what is happening in your love life.
They don’t even see you walking around that train. They don’t notice you approaching that woman. They’re not talking about it. Â You’re never going to hear over a supermarket loudspeaker “Attention shoppers! Andrew just got rejected in the produce aisle of this very Whole Foods store!”
This is all about your own excuses and fears. Walk over to someone you want to meet, talk to them and be open with them. On a train say, “Hey, how’s your day going?” Be friendly.
It’s all about the energy that you convey. Stop thinking about the other people around you. Nobody is watching you. They’re too wrapped up in their own monkey chatter.
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**Reader Question 2**
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David,
Background – I’m not in a great relationship, (too new) but I was well on my way to being over my ex. Or so I thought. And just last night I messed up and slept with my ex in a moment of weakness. I know you are going to say that women aren’t weak. And you are correct. I consciously made the decision and executed. Even knowing that it was wrong. My ex couldn’t know what or who I am with or even in a relationship. The contact from him was out of the blue and an instant spark.Â
Here’s the strange part. There was no discussion about getting back together. Quite the opposite. My ex went on and on about how lucky I was to be rid of him. He is in a relationship that isn’t great, and as much as he cares for me, thinks of me all the time, he was pretty adamant about stating the obvious – that he knows we couldn’t be together.Â
You haven’t failed me with advice to this point. In fact my girlfriends often ask ourselves, “What would David do?”Â
Bottomline – since I didn’t use my chance to say “No” when I could, now what do I do? Wait for another chance? Call let him know “No”? Do nothing?
Thanks for you help.
Always,
Arlanne
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**My Answer To Reader 2′s Question**
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Arlanne, you slept with your ex. That’s okay. You slept with him. You messed up. It was a moment of weakness. We all do it.
In fact, I’ve done it. I remember sleeping with my ex a couple years back. It was Thanksgiving time and we slept together. We were curious. It was a moment of weakness.
She and I even talked about how it was great just to have sex and not be in a relationship with each other. We made jokes about it.
It’s no big deal. Â Don’t even worry about it. Â Joke about it with the ex the next time you see him. Â If sleeping with him messed you up again in your head and you’re feeling confused, then just be sure that you don’t do it again.
I always say that everyone is likely to go back and have sex with an ex one, two or even three more times because we all get weak. Something will happen in our lives — maybe a family tragedy or something really bad at work — and nobody understands us like our ex, so we reach for something comfortable and familiar.
We’re human. We mess up and make mistakes. Sometimes we just need something comfortable. It’s okay.
As far as I’m concerned, Arlanne, the most important thing for you is to be sure you are continuing to work on meeting someone new who is fantastic. When your ex says to you how lucky you were to be rid of him, he means it.
He also said that because he knows he doesn’t want you, and he doesn’t want you to get attached again. He knows it’s probably difficult for you. Â So, he did it with a really cruel spirit. Â
You had sex with the ex. Â We all do it. Â Now it’s time to move on.
I especially liked Andrews question. I’ve been in similar situations and had the same monkey chatter, as David calls it, running through my head.
I remember on a bootcamp last year, David said that one of the guys had a whole zoo in his head. It cracks me up every time I remember it.
David’s absolutely right about other people not caring. I met someone on a crowded train once, nobody cared one bit. I was quite forward at one point, and only one person looked over their newspaper.
If you’re the only one in a crowd who is talking and showing some charisma, you own that room!
As for what to say (apart from what David suggested), you’re all there for one reason or another. It could be queuing up for something, waiting for a bus or a train.
Comment on the queue, tell the girl in front how you really hate queues, how you’re allergic to queues, and ask if she would be kind enough to let you go in front of her (with a cheeky grin). Start a silly little flirty argument if she’s stubborn, or get talking to her if she is nice and does let you go ahead.
If you’re both stood up on the train, you could mention how its always too busy to get a seat. If she’s on a seat nowhere near you, you could get out your iPod, switch the hold switch on, and go to her and ask her if she has an iPod or knows how to work one (everyone does). Say how nothing happens when you press the buttons and you can’t work it out, and you hate the song currently playing. She, or some evesdropper, will fix this for you… and you’ve started a conversation about iPods and music.
I used to have the same reaction that Andrew described in similar situations, and understand what he is talking about. Learning pick up artist BS actually made my felt fear of talking to a stranger in public intensify. Because, I knew that if I did do magic tricks, or say some cute canned line in the middle of a public bus, I really would look like an idiot, and I assumed people would judge me as such. I finally understood what David is teaching one day when I was out with my grandmother, of all people. She just started talking to a woman with a baby. The conversation moved on to how difficult it is to raise a child when their fathers traveled for work, a perspective they both shared. There obviously was a deep emotional connection underlining the conversation. This occurred in the town my grandmother lives in, so I just assumed they knew each other. The conversation appeared to be just two old friends chatting it up. After we walked away from the conversation I asked my grandmother how long she knew the woman for. She looked at me like I was crazy, and said she just met her, and asked why I assumed she knew her. DAMN I thought my grandma’s got better game than I do! I realized this is exactly what David is talking about. Start interactions by talking to people as if they are already your friends. We constantly see friends starting or in conversations. Who judges that? Not anyone I know.
Before Springbreak, I made a goal to give compliments to one person a day, and I’d end up with about three compliments to people because I genuinely think what they had on, or their work was good. Doing that, I found it easier to talk to strangers. For example, I was waiting for the campus bus and another girl was sitting next to me. It’d been a long time waiting so I started asking her questions and just talking. We got to talking about our majors, school, daily routine. Then Springbreak came and I got a little too comfy with being exclusive with my buddies only. So I’m working on striking up conversations again. I compliment on a daily basis, especially days I have photo lab in the darkroom. Its very easy because people take such great photos!
Blog One: How do you overcome shyness when you want to say hi to someone? Well I go ahead and say hi to see what their reaction maybe if they don’t respond then I take it as they don’t want to be bothered but the next time I see them I let them be the ones to say hi first…
Blog Two: I was in the same boat with Arlene but life must go on…Sometimes guys even gals look for someone to hold onto…but he needs to be told we had a great time now we must move on or he will possibly get the impression it is okay to go back to Arlene when the chips are down…There are two songs one by Heart: Who will you run to when it all falls down who is going to pick your world off the ground who is going to take away the tears you cry…Second one: Stop Dragging My Heart Around by Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty…
I have a question:
In some relationships I noticed that I even had experienced this is when the person you are with tries to change the person they are with then all of a sudden the man or woman thinks they are boss and tells the other one what to do. In two different situations I call these women battle axes and when I see a woman do a man like this it makes me angry inside and I start to feel sorry for the guy…
Scenario:
This couple came into the store and they had a child that I believe they were going to adopt and the boy was okay but the woman screamed out I keep telling you that you are going to hurt him one day stop it…Now the man was not doing anything out of the way to the child but helping him…But I could also see his embarassment. I thought to myself if I were him I would not adopt that child with her and get away from her…Well I seen the same couple and she was acting the same way but in a lower tone…
Tonight at the store this one couple came up and I asked a question and the woman acted as though she wore the pants in the relationship and ordered the man to do whatever she wanted…I really felt sorry for him for she look like she might carry a whip on her somewhere.
I would like to know what your input on this is…
As funny as it sounds… I think if I saw my ex… I’d sleep with her again LOL but again, I’m not seeing anyone right now
Daniel—I loved your story! LOL my grandparents were the best at that too! It makes me wonder what has happened to our society where we are so cut off from people and not embracing others like our grandparents generation. Too much socialization with Facebook and texting..we are all forgetting to connect to real people!!!! That’s why I love the boot camps because it forces people to engage with others, regardless of what your agenda might be.
David,
Firstly I want to thank you for a great job. I think its not only about just to attract women. It is about how to live life confidently, how to do the things confidently. Thanks once again.
Now about me, I am regular reader of your blog from last 5 month. And I really learnt a lot from you. But nowadays I am having a big prolem.
I came to USA 3 years ago. I met a girl in my bachelor classes. I helped her a lot. She was highly impressed with me and my abilities. During this period I did fall for her. I told her about my feelings 2 years ago. She told me that she had a boyfriend. I replied that I would stay with her as a friend and would always love her and wait for her. During that period we did hang our everyday and I learnt American culture and many things from her (during that period I also started changing myself to adjust in her demands). I helped her in academics. As a result, we became more than friends (little bit). We had lot of fun.
But now my problem starts from here. 6 months ago she broke with her 4 year old boyfriend. In my inside, I was happy at that. She started enjoying together. But from the last 4 months, now we fight on many things every day. She says I am not up to her expectations. She expects a lot from me. She has so many issues now. She thinks I am arrogant, over confident, and ignorant. But I am not. Really I love her and want to be with her.
During last 3 years, 4 other girls came in my life. But I didn’t go for them, because I am interested only and only in this girl. I don’t know now what should I do. Now we are just like simple friends and don’t enjoy as we were used to.
David, I don’t know in this situation what should I do. I really don’t want to let her go. i need your help here.
After reading wednesday’s blog, and hearing David mention rejection again, I’ve discovered lately that he’s right. I’ve felt rejected by someone recently and have been a mess. I’ve had enough of it, I’m letting it go. I’ve hooked up with a longtime friend who’s turned out to
be a real sweetheart. Also, I’ve got a date with someone I met online. That’s a first for me, but I think it’ll be fun. Feel like I got dipped in shit, but now I’m smelling flowers.
Reader Question #1 reminds me of a CSI New York episode a few years ago where Danny(Carmine Giavanoso)is on a subway train and sees a really cute girl down at the other end of that car looking towards him, smiling and giving obvious signs of interest. Making eyes at him. She’d look at him, smile a few seconds and then look down, kinda bashful like. That happened early in that one episode, and he thought about moving down to where she was and saying something, but that subway car was packed at that time, and he decided not to. He was later regretting that he hadn’t done that.
But at the end of that episode, he was riding the subway again, saw her smiling at him again and decided that despite the crowd of people between them, he was going to make his way down there and talk to her anyway. And that’s what he did.
We never saw the anonymous cutie again on any future episode because the producers & writers decided to create a relationship between he and the new lab girl Lindsey(Carla Belknap). They decided they should create a romance between those two for the show.
As for Question #2, I agree with Coach Kimberly. We let too much get in the way of having real relationships with real people in real time. My last relationship began on MySpace in late 2006 and after a few months with her, she had to move back home. Long story, not going into details. We maintained a close & serious relationship, but eventually after nearly 2 years apart, the distance and the time proved too much. We had often talked by phone, IM, & e-mail, but by December ’08 we finally decided it was time to move on. It was bittersweet, more bitter than sweet for me personally, but I knew it was the best thing for her as well as me. It was mutual. I still think of her very often and miss her from time to time, but I hope she has happily moved on and found a good man near her or had a good man find her. I wish her the best with all my heart! But it was time for me to move on also, which I’ve been in the process of doing for nearly 5 months.
I closed my MySpace account as a way of getting closure. I’m still not on Facebook, but probably will be some day. But here’s the thing, and this is where I really agree & identify with what Kimberly said. Call me old fashioned, but I want to be able to have relationships with people the old fashioned way. IN PERSON!
When I want to contact my friends about going out to the movies or to a sports event or going hiking or whatever else, I pick up the phone and CALL them! Occasionally I’ll e-mail friends, but we usually call each other. We don’t even text! I often texted with that girl, but haven’t since. And honestly, I haven’t missed texting since I’d rather hear a person’s voice and/or see their face. And I don’t think I need to be Twittering or tweeting or whatever for 12 hours a day either.
This afternoon I saw an amazing and super-vivid double rainbow while walking from my car to the supermarket. I enjoyed looking at it and just being in the moment and taking it in and enjoying it. I didn’t feel the need to twitter about it. I’m blogging about it now but am about to wrap up this long-winded message here real soon. And also folks, you need to kick that #^*(()^%$$W# console or PC game addiction too! You’re not developing any real social skills either by shooting at a bunch of pixelated make believe monsters that’s only making Microsoft or EA games richer and you poorer day by day.
I’ll wrap it up by agreeing with Kim again and saying not to let technology & the Information Age get in the way of or becoming a substitute for actual face time with the important people in your life or meeting new people who could become important people in your life.
Don’t fritter & waste the hours of your life in an offhand way. Because one day you’ll find, ten years have got behind you, no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun…The sun is the same in a relative way, but you’re older. Shorter of breath, but one day closer to death.
Hmmm, that’s a good idea for a song.
But seriously, Carpe Diem, because “Your life is ending one minute at a time.”
The other people in that bus or subway car are not going to care or remember if you get blown off. So be in the moment and take advantage of those moments to make the most out of life.
Virgo,
The answer is in your comment. You need to allow yourself to hang out with other women. It’s one thing for you to care for her but your life should never revolve around ONE person.
You have to find that balance in your life to know when to focus your attention on one person, and know when to distribute your attention.
By hanging out with other people, other women, you’ll gain the perspective you need to know whether you want to continue to only pursue the one girl you like… or whether it’s time for you to let her go because you deserve more, you deserve better.