Alone Time
April 18, 2009 
18 Comments
My girlfriend and I spend a ton of time together, and we really enjoy it. But we also give each other time off.
Even if it’s just 10 minutes driving alone in the car, 20 minutes downstairs meditating, or spending an afternoon just puttering around the house in separate rooms – it doesn’t matter. You still need to get your alone time. Are you in relationship in which you both are always on top of each other? And do you feel like you never get that time to just recharge your batteries?
A lot of people fail to realize that alone time is healthy. Sure, it feels great to be next to your lover at all times. But if you’re with the right person in the right relationship, you could be sitting on the couch, watching a movie or holding hands where you’re both in your own little world, yet you are still connected to each other.
You could recharge your batteries in this way. Or you could be lying in bed next to your lover, reading a book and really getting into what you’re reading. You might be sitting right next to your lover, but you can still have your alone time.
Alone time is great. Going out with your friends is healthy.
How many of you are in relationships – or have been in relationships in the past – where you get shit from your lover whenever you go out with your friends? Does your boyfriend or girlfriend get jealous and pissed whenever you leave them? That’s not healthy.
If you’re in a relationship and your partner is doing that to you, you need to know that you’re in a very unhealthy relationship. Having friends and family and separate lives is what makes the relationship healthy.
Being two unique individuals who get together and combine their lives – yet still have their own separate lives – is the way to go. You should never have to constantly answer to somebody because you went out with your friends.
A friend of mine once wrote to me and said, “David, I just don’t understand. Every time I go out with my friend Bill, my girlfriend gets all pissed off because she doesn’t like him. This is starting to ruin my friendship with Bill and we’ve been friends for 30 years!” She has no right to do that!
Another friend of mine got married to a woman who did not like his mother. Through the course of their marriage, my friend’s relationship with his mother eroded and they lost contact for ten years. My friend’s mother was deprived of meeting her grandchildren.
The minute they got divorced, my friend went and reconnected with his mother. Unfortunately, the kids had been poisoned against their grandmother and didn’t want to meet her.
This is not what life is about! You have to accept who your lover is – their friends, family, and every aspect of their life. If you can’t, then you’re not in a real, healthy relationship!
Now I know some of you are going to rebut today and write to me, “Well I don’t like that he goes out with Dave all of the time because they’re always getting drunk and looking at women.”
That STILL is an immature relationship. But even if he’s getting drunk with his friend Dave and they’re looking at women, he’s still not going home with any of these women.
Men will always look at women. Who cares? It’s time to get secure with yourself and have a real honest and open relationship – this is something I talk about in a lot of my new relationship products.
How do you have an open relationship? I’m not talking about a 70s swinger-type relationship; I’m talking about being open and honest about who you are and being an accepting person.
Isn’t that who you fell in love with – that unique and interesting individual who came into your life? Not a clone, or someone you tried to transform into your ideal mate?
i know i used to do that :S, when my gf used to go on vacation with her family or go out with her friends i used to get jealous but that was about a year ago
i know i did wrong there and i think thats why i wasnt happy with her :/
David, my gf is really jealous.. but she told me it’s because in her past relationships she has been suffering because all her ex’s cheated her, and she feel unsecure now because she say she don’t want to lose me
I’m not in a relationship nor am I necessarily looking for one, but if a girl ever tried telling whom I could and couldn’t be friends with I think I would break it off with her.
Single, but definitely would not deal with a girl that doesn’t like my friends or anyone else in my life. Well idk, if she made a big deal out of it and tried to control how much i hung out wit them or even at all then i would associate myself with that girl. but if she was mature and could put her feelings aside when i hung out with the people she didn’t like but who are a part of my life then i would keep her. \
and to David G. i think you should just assure her that theirs nothing to worry about and to trust you.
looks like im no longer a silent reader…lol
The most amazing thing to watch is that so many people fall in love with someone and when the relationship gets going then they start to wanting to change them. I had never wanted to do that to anyone, it’s plain nonsense.
David Grana, your girlfriend really has to work on that jealousy right away I was in a relationship where my partner knew he was jealous and he didn’t like it but he felt he could not control it and on a lot of points it was not healthy for me, as I don’t have a jealous bone in my body. His “excuse” was he loved me so much and did not want to loose me. For some Jealousy is a control thing with others insecurities but regardless it has to be worked on. In the long run you will end up with a lot of unnecessary moments and discussions.
But it is so true you need your alone time, but it gets even harder when kids get into the picture, then you have to juggle alone time with partner time and kids time. You really very easily get lost in the equation.
One of my favorite things to do with an friend is just to be silent around each other, just doing different things or sit together and read a book. Closeness does not have to do with talking all the time, often the mere presence is more beautiful.
Everyone needs their space and alone time that does not mean the person that is with them is not invited…Because someone wants to spend time with others does not mean they are looking for someone else it is they need time to be with others. You can not blindfold people and say hey don’t look at her/him and get mad. When I am with a guy and he looks at another girl and makes a comment I might say she does not look bad but I will in return make a comment about another man…
I’ve got a friend of mine who I never see because his girlfriend gets all bent out of shape if he goes out with his friends. I never see this person anymore, I hear about this a lot and I thought I was screwed up and not having good relationships because I wouldn’t tolerate this crap. I agree with this blog.
“When I am with a guy and he looks at another girl and makes a comment I might say she does not look bad but I will in return make a comment about another man…”
Sandra, that was funny…
Jim C
Thanks
How would you like to have a friend of the same sex try to talk to you about the person you are with always putting them down because they don’t like them in some way…Been there and done that…She is history…
Everybody needs some space and alone time from their partner. If the person is constantly needing to be with you at all times, there is definitely that “co-dependent” problem or trust issues.
David G–Without knowing your situation with your gal, the issue seems to be more with her and her insecurities. You may never be able to fill her needs given that her pattern is that “every boyfriend has cheated on her”…
Yes, alone time is SO important. How can you even miss each other if you are always stuck up each other’s bum?
Some people need more alone time than others too. This posts reminds me that I’m not creating a situation in my life where I have enough ‘without my partner’ time. Different than alone time.
This reminds me of a story that happened to me few years ago. I spent three weeks on La Palma (Canary Islands) with my girlfriend and we had a really wonderful time there. The wine, the food, the sunshine, the people. It was marvelous. When it was time to go back and we waited at the aiport, I was so full of happiness and energy and I talked to her about how I am looking forward to seeing my friends and family again and wanted to attend that workshop that I had always been thinking about and so on. Her only comment was something like “Oh, you are getting tired of me?” and then she started crying. And within the split of a second, all this positive energy, happiness and and memories of a wonderful vacation were destroyed.
I think it is all about balance. About finding a healthy balance between the time you spend with your partner and the time you spend with others or just with yourself. Any relationship is a dynamic process. It develops, grows and changes over time. It might feel desirable to freeze a certain moment or aspect of a relationship, to always be with your partner and never let go even for a minute. But when we freeze something, we actually kill it.
I have always wondered: why can’t all of those insecure, needy, and jealous people just date each other and leave the rest of us alone? One of the best aspects of aging is that many of us do grow up and grow out of those tendencies. I’m a firm believer in “live and let live” and any man in my life who doesn’t have interests and hobbies and friends besides me needs to get a new life and a new friend. When anyone starts to smother me, I do a reality check and if they can’t see reason or reality, I run for the exit and I don’t look back.
I couldnt agree with you more David !
Me and my girlfriend travel together for 3 months , asia , australia and usa .
It was a really awsome trip . We got to see other culture and meet new people.
Before the trip we decided that whenever one of us needed some alone time , we could just say it
to each other and do it. Take some time alone on a cafe or someting.
Just sit there and spend some time with yourself , I think thats importent.
And even though we spent 3 months together , every day , and the end of the trip we had gotten closer. And not driven each other apart or getting sick of each other.
I think the hardest thing to learn in a relationship is how to remain “yourself” while getting closer and more emotionally bonded and fused with your partner without feeling drowned in it.
I’m going to piggy back Khiem on this one. It used to be my fatal flaw in relationships. I would just mold into this “thing” who was completely unrecognizable to anyone. And it was terrible. And even now, if I ever feel like I am even looking in that direction, I’ll get into a “panic” (loose term) and change something. Whether it’s just making me time, or not seeing her for a little bit.
In the end, it’s healthy and important to make time to do other things, even though you may want to spend every waking moment with your significant other.
I am guiding my life after the motto that I have to treat people, the way I would like them to treat me. that’s why because I need space and time for myself I let him feel free, while we are dating. I don’t remember doing a jealousy crisis. I think this is a matter of self confidence. If you see yourself ugly, stupid, not so nice, you will always be afraid of losing him, and you’ll try to keep him near, in the house. each woman can become, when you’re feeling this way, a potential date for him (in your mind). But if you work on self esteem, then the jealousy will disappear.
I’m doing this. I am his friend, his lover and I’m trying to understand his position, putting myself in his place. We all need our bubble of air in a relationship. at least, I do.