If you’re a woman, how do you know when a man is attracted to you? Are you a woman who believes that if a man doesn’t approach you that he is not interested in you?
Do you know that a LOT of men have trouble approaching women? A lot of men suffer from a disease they call “approach anxiety” (although I call it “self-inflicted torture!”)
In my more than ten years of coaching men, virtually every one of them seek my help in learning to conquer approach anxiety. You should see what happens over and over again at the beginning of every one of my men’s bootcamps.
A guy will see a woman he’s attracted to and point her out to me. I’ll tell him to immediately go over and talk to her. What does he do? He’ll stand there like he’s wearing concrete shoes . . . and do nothing. He’ll hesitate.
By the time he finally decides to walk over to the woman, she’s usually made a sudden right instead of a left and has disappeared. He lost his opportunity to approach her.
See, you’ve got to understand that in some ways men and women are built the same. Having a fear of approaching the opposite sex is one of those ways. Many men have a lot of trouble approaching women, and many times women are very unapproachable.
So the next time you see a guy looking at you whom absolutely makes your heart go “thump thump,” I can guarantee you that he is attracted to you as well and that his heart is also going “thump thump.” Stop wondering in this situation if a man is attracted to you.
With that doubt eliminated, you need to put yourself out there just a little bit. Help guys out a little! It’s very important to give guys a couple of signs so they know you’re interested.
Women almost always sit back and wait for guys to do all the approaching. Women spend a lot of time hoping men will approach and waiting to see if men they’re attracted to will approach them. The problem with this is that when you’re a “waiter” in life, you never get what you want.
So the next time you see a really attractive man, smile at him – not once, but twice. When you smile at a man twice, he might actually take the hint and get up the guts to talk to you.
You need to understand the mindset of a man when you’re thinking about this . . . and the mindset of a man in this situation is terrified. As he quakes in his pants, he freaks out about being unable to approach you and feels like he doesn’t know the right thing to say even if he did.
If you were able to be a fly on the wall and listen to what men say during each one of my bootcamps, you would absolutely be amazed at what you’d hear. If you could do this, you would understand that men sit around all the time and wonder what the most clever thing is to talk to you about when they approach you.
The fact is most men still don’t realize that they can just walk over and say “hello” to a woman to strike up a conversation. So the next time you see a guy that you’re attracted to, make it a little easier for him and see what happens!
I don’t think women realize that if they actually made the approach, guys would be surprised… so surprised that they start telling all their friends how they met the coolest chick.
So many women think that if they did the approach, the men would think that they are easy… or that they want to sleep with them. That is SO FAR from the truth!
If a girl approached me, I’d be so happy all day long that I’d still be on cloud 9 by the end of the night… and I’d forget to call her back to set up a date. LOL
Kheim: I passed David’s book along to someone who was single for the first time in 20 years. She decided not to be a PASSIVE WAITER, and asked a guy sitting with anothe guy to dance. Turns out they a fun nite dancing, and loads in common. She has been dating him exclusively for almost a year.
Khiem: Sorry about the name error!
Sorry David,
Your plea goes on deaf ears,!
Don’t you know men are active and women are re-active!
for this reason a woman will never aproach a man.
Don’t talk about womens lib either it is alway’s this way.
Almost genetic.
It would nice to be seduced instead of being the seducer from time to time, but ultimately it doesn’t really matter to me. If nobody else is approaching girls, it just means more for me
Rich,
You know, all it takes is one woman to approach a guy for you to be wrong. Consider yourself wrong buddy! My guess is that attitude of yours keeps you from meeting a remarkable woman who is interested in you. Because a remarkable woman will get one whiff of your attitude, and run the other way.
—–
David, Khiem,
I see approaching a guy, not as being easy, but as signaling to him to let the fun begin. It’s like tossing him the ball. If he doesn’t throw it back, I walk away, but if he throws it back, we keep playing until one of us decides to take it to another level or walk away.
I talk to everyone though, not just men. The last three people I didn’t know but got to know were women, before that, it was this very cute musician, and all I did was smile at him and he came over and started talking to me. Before that it was a guy who had a Discover Magazine that I’d already read and I asked him if I could look at his magazine to test my memory on something and we started talking about some of the articles, which lead into a passionate discussion about . . . Coffee!! Which we both love. Before that it was this total hottie at a coffee shop getting lunch, I checked him out twice before talking to him, and then we ate our lunch together before going back to our respective studying/work. Before that, I was chatting with a girl in line at a coffee shop, and she ended up buying me a coffee (no she wasn’t hitting on me! Just a super friendly person) and recommended a great restaurant in SF, which I now LOVE (Zazie’s). Before that, a girlfriend and I were at a bar, and I went up to the three guys in the bar that looked like they were having the best time out of anyone– and before you know it, I’ve met all 8 of their friends.
Regardless of outcome with men or women, I like to think that a positive interaction with me makes their day because it acknowledges their existence. I haven’t met a healthy person that doesn’t appreciate that acknowledgment regardless of outcome.
It helps that my default state is “I like people.” I’ve found people who have the most difficult time in social situations feel like their default state is “I don’t like people.” I you don’t like people, of course you’re not going to want to talk to them!
Most women don’t make the first move but it is up to the guy to pick up on the hints that women give, whether it be moving closer to you or whatever. But it all leads to the man being able to pick his balls up and make the second move.
Would you recommend us guys watching Sex and The City for examples of your teachings? I just started watching it and the writing used in the show is very similar to how approaches in real life could go.
Rich,
I’ll have to disagree with your point. Women biologically may feel more attracted to a man who is confident to make the first move but I don’t believe women are naturally reactive.
EVERYONE is reactive… (especially to their environments) until they learn to reach a higher level of awareness/consciousness.
Western society expects the men to take the lead but a lot of other cultures put women in the power seat to choose their own mates.
Tara and Khiem,
I love people, and, they love me. Male and female!
Excuse me I was speaking in generalities.
Male active
Female re-active
since ancient times (yin-yang)
You are thinking either too subjectively
or too superficially
Its my lucky day when a woman comes up to me and says “I think your cool and we should hang out”. HAHA Khiem, I would forget too.
Wow, alot of Rich’s today.
Ya, I’m all for what is suggested here. Women should smile at men and possibly do more, like make a passing comment or something. Anything to get it going sometimes. Becasue even if the man is good at approaching and doesn’t miss too many golden opportunities, he still might not be up for a conversation at that particular moment.
So if the woman is very interested in the man, just approach!! my god, we would love it, there’s nothing to be scared of! We’ll be all over you.
I love this part: “The problem with this is that when you’re a “waiter” in life, you never get what you want.” That is so true! I used to be a waiter until I realized that I needed to do some things to change my life and so begins this path of “Wygant wisdom.”
I used to think that the man was supposed to approach me until I heard David speak on this subject on one of Christian Carter’s Cds and realized “oh yeah, I guess I should talk to the attractive guys as well as everyone else – duh!”
When I used to see an attractive man, I would just freeze! Guess what guys… I would be thinking of something funny and clever to say to mr. hottie just like you guys were trying to come up with some witty thing to say to us ladies. I have had some great conversations since trying the observational approach.
I like your comment Khiem – its great to hear how you guys actually view it.
Hey Lexi – I love your viewpoint: “I see approaching a guy, not as being easy, but as signaling to him to let the fun begin.” ha ha – that is the awesomest mindset to have – I have to agree with you! lol
I read Discover magazine too! I haven’t found any men out here who read it though, but maybe I wasn’t paying attention!
Lexi – btw, how do I get my profile picture to show up on the blog? I can’t figure it out and yours is the only one that is showing up. Thanks in advance!
If a woman came on to men so directly we would think they are sluts, right?
And
Fire Millen…
oops, wrong board, sorry David:-)
Hey Gabrielle
I am sitting at lax waiting to board my plane to London when I read your post!
I am really glad that you have embraced the message and you are no longer waiting around!
Keep it up and keep us all posted.
Dan
I think all men would welcome women who make it easy to approach!
At a recent bootcam I asked all the guys this question and not one would think a woman was a slut!
I knew you were kidding as for Matt millen how that man still has a job is the beyond anything I could ever come up with!
He is the worst GM ever!
This blog describes me perfectly… well that is untill I starting listening to Davids advice lol. However I am sure most men who haven’t talked to David have this same problem. So ladies help us out, give more hints or better yet, be direct!
I stopped myself so many times from approaching a guy because I thought they didn’t like it. I was told that the way to go for a woman is to lay it down for the man to do the first step, but what would you guys consider a very clear signal? … When I see a man I am attracted to my first reaction is to turn my face so that he won’t notice. If I can overcome my fear, doing a huge effort, I am able to look at him straight in his eyes, and I expect that to be a very clear signal, but usually he then turns his face.. So I guess looking is not enough for you guys… if a girl smiled at you, would you consider that a clear signal?
and would that prompt you to approach her if you liked her? If a girl approached you at the supermarket, would that make you uncomfortable? … maybe it all comes to loosen up, lol!
Thanks for this blog!
Oh, I’m sure we would love it if women were more direct. But you know, David has a strong point. The only backfire is if the man can’t pick up on these hints of interest. Or maybe, the woman didn’t make it obvious enough.
I think everyone needs to grow a pair and just say, “Hi, you’re pretty cute and I wanted to come over and talk to you. What’s your name?” It’s a line either gender can say and that will just do all the work for you. Can’t really be more obvious than that. And the results will be instantaneous.
Infinity, I come from a Spanish country. Spanish men are much more direct and active in approaching women than Americans. I never had to do anything to have men approaching me there, but here is different. I guess it took me a while to realize that. Next time I see someone I like I’ll go like :”Hey, I like your sweater , where did you get it?” Would that make it? ha,ha!
oh, and then, “by the way, you look hot in it!”
Dan & David …
As a native Detroiter, I cannot let the Millen comments go by without chiming in …
Here in Detroit, Matt Millen is disliked probably less (and only slightly) than our now about to be incarcerated Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick
When the whole Kwame mess started, one of the sports radio stations did a poll (which got record number votes) asking whether, if the people could decide, they would choose to have Kwame found guilty and sent to jail OR have Millen fired … the vote came out about 85% in favor of choosing to fire Millen … enough said
On this blog topic, it’s so important I think to get these reminders that guys can be nervous about approaching women …
In my struggle to start being “more obvious” and going beyond two second glances and quick smiles to show my interest in men, I freely admit that I’m so often worrying about how guys are perceiving ME that it virtually NEVER crosses my mind that THEY might have any anxiety on their end.
This is such an important thing to remember as women, I think, when we’re out there trying to meet men — that we can take a little more initiative without most men reading any of the things we think they do into it … and by doing so we will give ourselves a MUCH better chance of connecting with these men.
Rich … you have to have a little more faith in us beyond your “when pigs fly” belief in women’s willingness to reachout more to men
That’s why David writes these blogs to women though – so you (and all the guys) can enlighten us and tell us this stuff! 
I actually don’t get nervous at the prospect of smiling – or even saying hello – to a guy I find attractive …
I am totally fine with whatever the outcome is as well (that is, whether a guy will approach/respond or will reject me) …
The one thing that gives me some anxiety and, by extension, pause to approach men is in the area of an “exit strategy” — meaning, if I say hello to a guy and he says nothing in response, that’s totally fine … but how can I gracefully leave that encounter without having to say something uncomfortable or go running to hide behind the pastry rack (as David referenced once I think in a blog)?
Guys … Can you give me any thoughts on this?
Jules,
Your exit strategy is simple. Smile and walk away as if you left him.
If you need to say anything, “hey, I’ll catch you later. I need to check on my friends” can work just fine.
Jules, I bet David would tell you to think like the President: If you have an exit strategy, you’ll be tempted to use it. If you set a timetable, all the guy has to do is wait you out. Go into it with no other option but victory.
However, I’m not David. I’ve got the approach anxiety and exit strategy disorder (AA-ESD) as well. My only advice for you is that if I were an innocent bystander who saw a woman confidently walk away, after approaching a guy and getting rebuffed, I’d probably be attracted to her. Even if it’s fake confidence, nobody but you knows that you’re pretending.
Thanks Khiem and tinyhands!
Gabrielle,
I use a company called Gravatar. It is free. You can find it here. I found out about it while event coordinating for the Singularity Summit this coming October, because we are using it in our member community profile pages to help everyone get to know each other better. The added bonus, is that your image will follow you around to gravatar compatible sites, i.e. wordpress is gravatar compatible.
Glad something I said struck a chord with you too!
Jules,
I find that often for women, being afraid of being rude to get out of an unpleasant interaction is a big sticking point, and it prevents them for going out and creating the great interactions. Khiem’s advice is great. Also, ending the interaction is not rude, it is kind. It is an issue of you realized the two of you were not a match. If you’re at a coffee shop and sat down together, “I gotta get back to my work” or “Thanks for the chat, I gotta go” works. Don’t tell them you enjoyed it though, because that is a signal that you want them to ask for your number.
Folks, this is America (at least that’s what I’d gathered from the responses). There’s a built in social perimeter around each and every person. Men and women meet through cliques, events, gatherings, etc. If a fellow starts to compliment sweaters, shoes, hair styles, etc, outside of these avenues, they’ll be labeled as haughty, stalking, a/o out-of-ones-mind.
So in a post office, you talk to someone by complaining about either the postage (for Air Mail vs Freight) or the time spent in line. If that doesn’t go anywhere, then you leave it… unless you have a home business and then you can use that time to make a business card swap. You see, that’s the American life. Likewise, there are topics around other locations like downtown bistros or the Aquarium.
Now, here’s the catch, in each and every opportunity, try not to *treat* the opposite gender like she’s beautiful. She should be at par with you, that’s all.
Alex
Wow I am so glad that I do not live in your reality!
I would be depressed all the time with that type of mindset!
It does not have to be that way.
See my reality is to bring out the beauty in everyone that I meet.
I don’t complain about how much postage is in line I engage people with a positive outlook based on a lot of observations and emotions they may display.
Have you ever heard any of my products?
If you have your whole mindset would shift!
What is the meaning of life to you?
Do you enjoy this mindset that you have?
Are you willing to make changes and explore new possibilities?
I am sitting in a cafe in London and saw your comment come in and just had to respond!
Life is what you think it is and my reality is the complete opposite of yours!
I totally agree with you David … and I think, Alex, that your mindset is so limiting in terms of what kind of life you’re going to experience (let alone what kind of women you’re going to meet and attract).
This is a terrible example (but it’s the best I can think of right now) – you remind me of that exercise they used to do at big corporate “vision” seminars where they tell you to see how high you can jump, then they tell you to visualize yourself jumping twice as high and inevitably on the second try everyone was able to jump between 25 to 50 percent higher.
I think your grim outlook as to what’s possible is manifesting itself in the reality you experience. If you changed your mindset, you might be shocked at all the great things (and great women) you would start to find …
“I don’t complain about how much postage is in line”
When I’m in a slow line, people tend to grumble, so I grumble along but slowly change the topic to something more neutral. The context is the key, the line/the post office/the mailing/etc, not the lady’s ear rings, watch, her perm, etc. All and all, if a person wants to be cheered up, they’ll invite the conversation. That part is easy ’cause everyone wants their day to go by smoothly and that’s a good way to start a conversation.
“See my reality is to bring out the beauty in everyone that I meet”
What some (perhaps not you) will find in time is that one’ll end up becoming everyone’s problem solver, consciously or unconsciously. And that can be a huge energy drain; realize, you’re trying to increase your personal power, not disperse it. I didn’t like it when that was my life. Along with the beauty (which I agree, is in everyone even if it’s obscured) there’s a lot of ugliness in humanity.
Now, I’m more circumspect than before on this matter. I still have a slew of platonic friends, a *steady* girlfriend, and a few married ladies (but let’s not go there since its complicated).
“What is the meaning of life to you?”
LOL! Now there’s a start for a treatise. I think it has to do with clearing karma, achieving true freedom, power from within, financial independence, etc.
The last four questions are a bit tricky in responding to but overall, I’m content, happy as I am, and will make intermittent changes as needed.
Alex – Frankly you lost me a bit on your last comment, but one thing did stick out to me which is that you dont seem to have any sense of abundance in your mindset. The mere fact that you said that “you’re trying to increase your personal power, not disperse it” tells me that very clearly. This is where I suspect you and David would be so very different.
It is possible to grow personally while simultaneously being able to give parts of yourself to others. The two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
In fact if you believe that your energy (positive or negative) has an absolute effect on those around you, then you could not feel as you do about your personal power. David has more personal strength and power than most people, yet he also gives a huge amount of himself to others.
This is becoming an interesting discussion (though leveraged against me getting any validation) but I’ll chime in a little more…
“The mere fact that you said that “you’re trying to increase your personal power, not disperse it” tells me that very clearly”
I guess you’d never read Carlos Castaneda or other Shamanistic works because when you start to heal others, you deplete your own energy. That’s why the Huna in Hawaii have extensive Qi gathering practices; it’s more for them than their students or heal-ees. This depletion happened throughout my twenties so yes, while I was attracting the opposite gender (the theme of this board), getting promoted at the workplace, and all that good stuff (100+ active friends), I was also getting drained by all the people who I’d helped. By 32, I was burnt out and needed to be alone.
“David has more personal strength and power than most people”
Without necessarily referencing Dave, the reason why a lot of leader/guru types have a lot of energy is that their students (disciples or whatever) have actually tied their third chakras (power distribution center) to the object in front of them… usually it’s their guru or master. These are sometimes called cords of energy. That’s partly why you periodically see a meteoric rise of let’s say a Rajanesh fellow, followed by a collapse when their students later turn on them for not living up to their original expectations. I’m not sure about the blog originator, since that’s not my place but these things can happen in that way.
I think it is equally hard for both men and women to approach someone new and not feel somewhat apprehensive. I think if two people know they might be interested in each other, or maybe even just one of the people, then they will make a point to stare at the interesting party in the hopes they can find something to work with. Some have the guts to approach the other one, and some don’t, which is why it’s important no matter what side you are on, to make a move at some point. Most often times, you can just comment on what is going on around you to strike up a conversation. If you know something about the person then you can open up with talking about that. Most people if not interested will be polite enough to act nice and not make you feel awkard. As for the ones who would make a spectacle out of you, then you don’t care about them anyways. The things I think that girls do around men they are flirting with or interested in is they giggle, smile, look at then down and back at, play with hair, sort of dance around, move closer to, turn toward, lean toward, won’t stop talking to you, arms will not be crossed but usually doing something to seem a little excited. They just find some way to pay attention to you or draw attention to themselves. They might straighten their clothing, push their chest out, sit up straighter, just anything to look better and try to get your attention. If a girl is interested she won’t walk away from you. You can tell when someone is just being nice and talking with you because after a few minutes they will find a reason to leave. They won’t look at you so much when talking. There won’t be any girly girl stuff going on. She might just cross her arms, or stand back from you. Just nod and look away all the time.
I think a lot of the fear is not being confident enough in yourself. And believe me, as you age, you will gain more confidence, because you will realize life is short and you better enjoy it while you have the chance. I think we are always thinking about “what if” in the negative, but maybe one should try “what if” in the positive and realize things just might work out after all. We give way to much power to people we don’t even know and let them affect us when they shouldn’t have that kind of power over us. I believe there is more than one person that we could fall in love with, so quit looking for that “one” and just have fun looking, until you know it’s the “one.”
Well, my reality is close to how Alex describes it. Here in the East Coast is very difficult to meet people in a natural way. You have be enrolled in a club or something. What people does here in Boston, were I live, is to get into activities like indoor rock climbing because it allows you to know people in a deeper level, you need a partner to climb the wall and you can tell how that person responds in extreme situations for example. There is also the singles night at the Fine Arts Museum, and other things,.. but talking to strangers in street is not so common although it happens every once in a while… I do it anyways!
Hey Alex – that is why healing and helping people is a lifestyle because the more you practice at it, the easier it gets and people keep coming to you at different times.
For me, I am good at uplifting people and encouraging them in whatever they are endeavoring or if they just need a kind word or someone to listen to them for a minute. Recently I had a LOT of people come in my life that needed something and I admit it was overwhelming but I kept my commitment to being positive and open to people. The outcome was that I made a few friends and I helped others in some way. That made me feel good and helped build my energy! I feel so much better since these people came rushing into my life and really look forward to the next time I can help a person in some way!
You aren’t really working as a problem solver, just a motivator to help people solve their own problems or to get unstuck from their situation. Isn’t that wonderful to help a person like that? Or to talk to people as you go by them? What would have happened if you didn’t talk to the lady in the post office and uplifted her day by some little conversation? Maybe that was the only time she got out of the house that week and you talked to her.
If you are feeling depleted, you can always set some time aside for yourself to work on your goals too or reconnect with yourself! You need some “me” time to focus your thoughts and you do need to be selfish sometimes and think about things that YOU want also just like you listed! You have to go after the things that you want because no one is going to give it to you. At the same time, build your network and things will come easier for you. It sounds like you are a giver but you have learn to receive as well as give! This is where karma comes into play because what you do for others, will come back around to you in some form.
That is interesting what you said: ” the reason why a lot of leader/guru types have a lot of energy is that their students (disciples or whatever) have actually tied their third chakras (power distribution center) to the object in front of them… usually it’s their guru or master. These are sometimes called cords of energy”
I haven’t studied this, but this is very interesting. Where do you look that information up at? I have heard of chakras but never really studied it before.
I am sure that David does have a lot of energy and personal strength. It certainly seems so because I can feel his positive energy when I listen to him on the mp3s. For some reason, he relaxes me and really helps me clear my mind and realize that I can do this. I can talk to people – I don’t have to stay in the mindset that other people set for me through their ways or words – you know what society thinks you should do – blah, blah. I had it within me all along, I just needed someone like him to tell me that and wake me up! I guess he is my guru but I have no expectations placed on him. I haven’t even met him – I just know that I am learning from him and I am being totally freed from the block of mental mindset that was put upon me before and I conformed to. I am now able to know that I can truly live in freedom and enjoy playing on this earth everyday!
i learn something while reading David’s blog and the comment as well….
all i can say is EASY TO SAY BUT HARD TO DO…….
Jonnalyn,
I agree with you. I was at church yesterday morning and saw someone I was attracted to. I think she noticed and after awhile waved in my direction. I wasn’t sure if it was directed to me or someone behind me because of how we were seated. Anyway, I wasn’t expecting that and completely froze and that was it. I’ve been a “waiter” for awhile now so it’s not easy to change but it’s getting to a point where it is frustrating letting things go by.
jonnalyn, and Patrick
Aristotle said: For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.
Example: Tying your shoes was easy to say and hard to do, until you started doing it. Then it got easy. Driving, same thing. Talking to someone you are attracted to, same thing.
Patrick,
In every moment you have a choice about what you will do next, you can choose to make this information conscious, and make it easy to choose to talk to someone, or you can remain unconscious and not see your choice and freeze when something happens that is outside of how you expect reality to be (like a cute girl talking to you.) Take an improv class. It will help loosen you up.