A Limited Environment
February 13, 2009 
17 Comments
Here is a question I answered at a recent bootcamp. This will give you an idea of how my bootcamps work!
Client: Let’s say you’re in a bar and your environment is somewhat limited. In this scene, I really can’t observe much to comment on.
I had trouble with that exercise yesterday – not so much coming up with something to talk about, but thinking that it might actually work – that it might generate enough interest to keep the conversation going. I always have major doubts in myself in terms of that, and in a bar, I can see that being a million times more difficult.
David: Yes, it’s magnified in a bar because there you have to manufacture a conversation. This is the reason that I don’t really like bars – you’re spending the entire time just trying to manufacture a conversation.
You have to be so quick in a bar to even open a woman. Khiem uses a certain thing in a bar when a woman bumps into him – he asks her what her name is. When she tells him, and says, “Alright, Judy, thanks, I just needed to know the name of the woman who was bruising me all night long!” He’ll just say something like that, being very playful, and just kind of push her away.
The reason why a lot of guys don’t like bars is because it is a limited environment and you really do have to manufacture things. The environment just doesn’t feel natural.
If I see a woman in a bar that is texting her friend, I might go up to her and say, “Would you stop texting me? I’m here! You can talk to me now!”
Or if I’m standing next to a woman and we’re both on our phones texting, I’ll say, “Let’s switch phones. Let’s text each other’s friends. It will be more fun that way!”
Or I’ll ask her for her name, and she’ll tell me that it’s Amy. “Hey Amy, let me borrow your phone for a second. Who am I texting?” She’ll tell me it’s her friend Susie. I’ll text: Hey Susie, it’s David, Amy’s new buddy. I decided to take over the texting tonight…
In a bar, you have to do things that are fun and playful – and that will work. You have to keep it light and playful the whole time. A lot of guys do that stupid opinion thing in a bar – “Who cheats more, men or women?” – but that’s the shit she’s heard a thousand times.
It’s much different when you say, “Listen, my buddy and I were debating this topic today….” Or “I read in the paper today about this… have you heard about it?”
Bring up something current rather than asking her opinion on something ridiculous and artificial. She’s heard all of that.
So even if the environment seems limited in a bar, you can bring things up in conversation from the rest of the world, which is unlimited. Doing this makes you look like you’re actually living in the day and not just manufacturing words and pick up lines.
I hate manufacturing conversations, so I don’t really like bars. You have to prepare yourself for the mindset of going out there and manufacturing conversation. But you also have to be fun and playful in a bar.
Client: So when you go up and do the “I read today in the paper” thing, do you think that in her head she’s immediately thinking that you’re hitting on her? Does she know that it’s just an opener?
I’ve said stuff like that before and had women ask me, “Is that really what you’re going to approach me with? Is that your best shot?”
David: In that case, I’d challenge her. I’d say, “So maybe it is – do you have anything better? If that was so bad, why don’t you coach me so that I’ll have a better chance of getting this right with the next woman I walk over to?” Say this with a smile on your face.
Challenging her in that situation is important.
Client: Yeah, I would have seen her reaction as a blow-off before yesterday and the work that we’ve done. I would have just given up and gone somewhere else.
David: No way, it’s not a blow-off. You just have to challenge her. What is she looking for in that situation? She’s not looking for some guy that is going to cave in. She’s looking for someone who will step up and challenge her.
Cool blog. I’m not a bar guy to begin with but the message seems clear. If you don’t adopt a possesive or predator attitude and you don’t act like a scared pup, you can take what you want from the bar scene.
Pretty damn creative, love the playfulness,
This might not be as creative but lets say I order a coffe and either the server forgets or gives me a wrong one I never get mad. I would normally say in a light not. If they have a name tag I will say Lisa, you should know what I think not what I say. Always try to turn it around as if I did the mistake. Either they think I am out of my mind, but it always breaks those moments.
How about you boys give us girls some you would like to hear from us !!
Mike here is your chance to write to your hearts content.
wide open blog comment space… watch out.
marina, the girl from last Saturday called me back. I’ll let you know what happened after the weekend.
I personally like bars… but only because I’m lazy and don’t always feel like doing laps around whole foods
I am not into bars myself. I can’t say that I have not visited lower end of Broad in the past. My friends at work will talk about the honky tonks and the adventures of the night before.
OK, guys…Marina’s right – if you don’t want to use the bar scenario, how about in the airport/coffee shop? I’m heading out soon for a little R&R a few states away so I’ll be spending a fair amount of time in airports. I like to field test what I learn here during my travel time since it’s not nearly as weird as when you’re on home turf…like a vacation from one’s personal monkey chatter. The boundaries blur and any embarrassment seems to fade, so I need to take advantage of it. What would you like a woman to say to you in initiating a little playful chit-chat when you’re en route to somewhere else and you’re just killing time in the airport?
Hey guys, my first post here…been following the blog way back as a dirty old man in the bushes
I think bars are great because woman want to “be seen” in bars, and therefore also on some level want to attract men there…
Airports:
So, where are you heading to?
Flying for business or pleasure? Let me guess…both:-) (smiling while having images of the person you are talking to masturbating and screaming your name”.
I honestly don’t remember the last time was in a bar!
I think a better question for the guys at least would be for the women here to tell us what they would like us to say in striking up a conversation for chit-chat at the airport, or better yet, on the plane during that 2+hr flight.
DanTheOriginal – Heading to California for pleasure to visit one of my siblings. But geez, after what you wrote, I may not be able to face anyone without thinking of that and busting out laughing!
Tony – does that mean that you have to make the first move and/or that you don’t want women initiating the “first contact?”
To K:
Hey, if the women want to initiate the “first contact” instead, that’s fine. No complaints from me and it takes the pressure off of me. Go for it!
But at least 9/10 times that doesn’t happen, and it falls on the men to make the approach, or in this case, initiate the conversation in the airport or plane. And because I’m a lot more plain than handsome, that makes it even more unlikely. If I looked like Brad Pitt, I couldn’t fight you and 10,000 other women off(not that I would want to). But since I look like I do, it’ll never happen. That’s why I’m here. And honest to God, I don’t know if there’s any hope for me.
Tony
Don’t be so down on yourself. See I made the first ice breaker. Lets see the guys I work with speak to me sometimes about things that are usually happening at the store or their families. I sometimes will speak first to the guy if I have something to talk about with them.
>> Would you stop texting me? I’m here. You can talk to me now!
haha. I just wrote this one down in my journal. I love it and I am fully intending on stealing it. A healthy arsenal of playful lines like these are great, since women are texting ALL the time at bars.
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>> Client: So when you go up and do the “I read today in the paper” thing, do you think that in her head she’s immediately thinking that you’re hitting on her? Does she know that it’s just an opener
I think most clubs and bars are meant to be a flirt fest. There is absolutely no need to hide your intentions. The “motivations” are crystal clear and all implied. It’s expected for women to be approached and it’s expected for guys to do the approaching. Most people don’t go to clubs for the ear deafening music, $12 long islands and poorly lit corners. And women know you aren’t there to debate the causes of global warming and how to spread peace in the middle east. =P
But I do have great ideas for a solution to the Israel/Palestine issue and I want to try my ideas out on barhopping girls before I present these proposals to the President & Sec’y of State. You know how smart & deep those party girls are? Tongue firmly in cheek here.
I don’t mind bars. I still go to them but I like lounges better.
I don’t look at bars as a place to seriousliy meet people. I look at bars as a place for me to have fun at the detriment of other people.. lol j/k.
I just look at bars as a place to have fun with random and new people. By thinking like that, I take all pressure of talking to someone b/c all I do is entertain myself first. If they are lucky, they can join in the fun with me
Fun and playful in a bar is definitely the key. There are a few things to keep in mind though about girls in bars. First of all…dont worry about if they think you are hitting on them…they already know you are. Second..you are at a complete disadvantage at bars, night clubs etc etc, like I said before they already know you are hitting on them, girls get approached by a lot of tools at bars so you might run into a lot of resistence at first..like david said, challenge her. The third thing to keep in mind is dont take rejection to heart at a bar. As i stated before you’re already at a disadvantage, but then you have to add on to the fact that a lot of girls go to bars to have fun with their “girls”, grind on guys and get some attention, a few may be looking for some booty or a one night stand..but not too many look for a boyfriend at a bar. Im not saying that to discourage you by any means. You should approach immediately when you see a girl you wanna talk to or are attracted to. But keeping these things in mind helps you get in the right playful mindset.