Let’s talk about anger, because the last five days I’ve been a really angry person. It’s not, however, for the reasons you may think. It’s not due to the the things I’ve had going on with my back, and it’s not about waiting for my MRI results.
For those of you want to get technical, I have a herniated L5 disc. They basically offered me two treatment options. I can either try therapeutic treatments for another three months, hoping for some miraculously different result than I’ve gotten doing exactly that for the last year. My other option is to have a new type of miraculous microsurgery which supposedly is only an hour and a half long outpatient procedure.
Let’s not talk today about the condition of my back in today’s blog. I want to talk about something much deeper that affects all of us. You know, a lot of us only scratch the surface in our life.
We tend to look and react to things that happen. We get angry because of what someone else does (or doesn’t do). Someone doesn’t call you back or whatever it may be. We react only to the immediate cause of things.
You get snippy with people you love. Do you ever have days where people you love want to reach out and help you, and you get snippy with them?
I’ve spent the last three days snapping at everyone. Granted, I was in pain and really having a difficult time with my back.
I decided to go deeper to discover what the cause and the root was of the problem. It wasn’t just my back. In life, we have constant reminders that these root causes exist. We see pattern and lessons that come up over and over again.
We have that same fight that happens time and time again. You make up and say you’ll never do that again, and yet it seems to happen again. What happens and the reason these things repeat themselves is that you’re looking to the other person’s actions and what they did to you that caused the fight.
In life, though, you have to look at what YOU did, why you’re angry and why you’re feeling something. You need to do this because when you’re angry at someone, it is really you being angry at yourself or at something you’ve never confronted.
Sonja was away this week. She offered to stay on both Saturday and Sunday, and I turned her down. So, of course, when I woke up on Monday morning I was angry at her. I needed her and I kept wondering how she could leave me.
That was on the surface. Even though she offered to stay, I made her leave so I would not act angry at her. I was really angry at myself for not letting her help me.
To find the real root cause of it, I had to go deep inside myself as a person. I had to go deep inside to figure out why I refuse help from people who love me.
I went to the root of my anger, and realized it went back to when I was about three and a half years old. That’s when my brother Mark died of crib death at the age of nine months. The only thing I remember is coming home after staying overnight at my grandmother’s house, seeing the empty crib and seeing my mother’s pain.
If you go deep inside your core, you’ll discover the memories you find — those imprinted on you as a kid — you’re still living and still are affecting you.
For the next ten years after my brother’s death, I became the parent. I had a father who had no love for anything but the NY Jets and his golf clubs.
I had a mother who blamed herself for the death of my brother, and only gave love in short segments and only if I needed something. She’d give me a hug if I needed one, but it always had a time limit on it.
So I learned at a very young age to be very self-supportive, and to not ask for anything from anybody. I also at a very young age learned how to nurture and to take care of others. My mother even told me yesterday that the only thing that kept her living after my brother’s death was my love for her.
I’ve always been a better giver than receiver. So for the last four days, Sonja has done nothing but reach out to me and I’ve shut her down. Jacob flew in to help me work with a client (and to help me), and I’ve had him walking on eggshells the entire time. Kristen has done nothing but email to try to cheer me up, and I’ve done nothing but be short and angry with her.
I need to apologize, but not to the people who love me. When you have this situation, you need to love and accept yourself, because until you let go deep from your core you’ll still have the same things happen over and over again.
This may have been the most personal blog I’ve ever written and shared with you. The reason I can, is because I know you will appreciate it, understand it and be able to relate to it.
Every lesson you share with others gives them the courage to love and to grow. So be good to yourself, and apologize to yourself for whatever is deep inside your core.
David, Thanks that was an amazing story you shared today. Very personal and touching
To Err is human to forgive is divine.
We so often forget to forgive ourselves for actions we have done to ourselves and others.
I have a similar issue with accepting help as I my whole life I have been very self reliant. With my husband having passed away and trying to get myself and 3 kids under control. I can see now that I need help. Kids are really out of control..feel like a Supernanny/manny intervention is overdue.
I just have such a hard time listening to my family who are over here from Europe right now, with all the solutions they have to solve these issues. Maybe I am pigheaded or stubborn but it rubs me the wrong way when they come with these solutions as if I can’t figure it out by myself. I think there is a time when people also have to be allowed to have time to ask for help and not just have it “pushed” upon them. I seem to mentally fight when people tell me I have to change things and not be allowed to take my own time to reach this conclusion. I want to be the one to ask for help not constantly having all these solutions bombarded at me which I have not asked for. I know they mean well, but this is an issue that really can get me “pissed” off. When you are very independent and self reliant reaching the point where you have to admit you need help is plain torture.
Once again sorry for your unfortunate circumstances. Hope you get better soon!
Wow David how very very profound! I feel that you are on your way to a very speedy recovery! For addressing core issues that are the thread of all life, I feel metaphysics & mystery has been answered to you & your willingness to address yourself on the deepest levels of Spiritual Human Healing. I feel a simular study called “Rebirthing” has been a large part of your gift of Healing others by Healing yourself. Bravo to you!
I have heard it said: We are not Humans haveing a Spiritual experience but SPIRITUAL BEINGS HAVING A HUMAN EXPERIENCE “!
I feel…. You my dear David are Divine from the Heart & a Miracle made Inspiration! Thank-You for sharing…..Heart,mind,body,soul & Spirit! Let YOUR & Our Healing Begin & Mend! amen!
Peace & Love,
Kozmoz
My dad and I have our times…After his knee surgery we had a disagreement and instead of having both of our temps flare we came to an agreement to bring peace back into the family. Him and I know that we do have tempers that are alike. When I was younger my brother stayed in the hospital and my parents spent time with him there. At first I did not understand for I was a child but when I grew up I realized that we did this because we loved him. Even on my face book I have a pic of my brother labeled In Loving Memory of You.
Dave
We all go through this somewhere in our lives…Sonya loves you so does everyone else…There are times that we don’t understand why things happens in our lives. But things happen for a reason and purpose in life. You live and learn…Even when I do not feel well I can be an ass myself towards everyone so don’t feel lonely. I pray that you get to feeling better and it is upon God’s will what shall happen and what you decide is between you and God.
Love You Dave I understand others disabilities for I was raised with a brother with a terminal illness that died at the age of 25.
Now off the morbid stuff: David we love to help you but the only person that can help you is yourself…We are here to listen and read your blogs and try to help you as much as we can from our ends…
Love You
Sandra
David I commend you on this blog. I truly admire your ability to share your personal issues with people you don’t even know. Very brave.
My dad suffered from a extremely bad back for the later part of his life so I can understand how it feels for you. I always wished he would have been happier more often but when I started empathizing with him I could understand how difficult it really was for him. Ongoing pain really does change your mood and sometimes all the self help advice in the world is not going to change it.
Personally I hate giving advice so I am not going to inflict any of my personal biases onto you. I truly believe that every individual is their own best psychologist.
Take it easy man,
Reece
To both David and Sandra,
I extend my very very belated condolences to both of you for the loss of your loved ones.
I lost a parent to cancer a little over 10 years ago, but I never had to develop that kind of self reliance at an early age as you did David. I deeply admire you for that!
As for your back, the obvious path now is to have that 1.5 hr outpatient surgery. The other stuff hasn’t worked, might as well do this. It could spare you a lot more needless pain.
David, one thing I’ve noticed from your blogs and MP3s over these months is that you & your dad were never close and he was not emotionally (and physically)available for you most of the time growing up. The impression I’ve gotten is that he was emotionally distant from you & others & preferred watching baseball & playing golf over family. He was a cold fish kinda guy with not much joy of life. Low on mojo. I don’t know if his own medical problems(MS?)contributed to his inability to bond with you very much, but you’ve always seemed kinda angry at him and hurt because he was distant or withdrawn from you, and others.
As hard as this may be to do, with your emotional pain & resentment from that time and your physical pain now, think about forgiveness. Yes, he was an absentee dad even while he lived there, and was not very supportive of you and that hurt you, which is totally understandable. I don’t blame you, because under the same circumstances I would feel hurt & angry too. But it seems like your hurt & bitterness is like an open, festering wound after all these years. He was far from perfect, yeah. He was flawed(like all of us), sure. But forgive him, truly forgive him and let it all go. Maybe this is your next big personal project to work on. You told students in one of your bootcamps that regardless of our age, even at 47 or whatever that we always have work to do in our own personal lives. I know I do. But this may be your own very important personal project or quest.
Tony
I am actually really good with my relationship with my dad.
he passed away about 15 years ago and i am cool with how he was.
it really goes much deeper than that and i feel that i shared as much as i can in public:)
i wrote this from my heart as i do all the blogs but did leave out the home run.
everyday i work on myself as you know life is a never ending journey and when we think we have it figured out we actually dont
lessons are daily and its how you handle them,
get to the root of the problem and you will not keep having that issue keep coming up and that is when you need to get really deep with yourself.
i enjoyed reading your post and right now i am working on a personal project that means more to mean than anything i have ever experienced in my life.
its called love
I can relate to that. I hope you get better soon.
You’re not a dating coach, David… You’re a “life” coach!
The myth of being self-supporting or self-sufficient is not always about independence and survival skills but sometimes just the ability to restrain oneself from either asking for help or accepting help – particularly unsolicited help and, even more so, help that could really make things better. Is it a loss of control or power? Maybe a realization that one is not quite as powerful as one thought prior to the offer of help? You think “Is my need sooo obvious that I’m wearing a billboard and everyone else has known for ages that I need help and I’m just figuring it out?”
When I moved from the sticks to the city, I was 21 and didn’t have a car or a license. It wasn’t important to me because the city had 24 x 7 bus service and taxis, plus I could walk. No one could figure out why I rarely accepted rides yet wasn’t worried about getting mugged or harassed when I was out by myself – even late at night. The problem was that they only saw my situation from their point of view: they would rather stay home than take alternate transportation. No one ever really understood that the city’s transportation resources gave me independence that I had never had before and I was enjoying it immensely by exploring it on my own terms.
It took a long time for me to be able to accept rides because I was taught that is was rude to ask (or expect or accept) others to do things for you that weren’t really needed. It meant that you were lazy, or cheap, or had way too many entitlement expectations for no good reason. It was taking advantage of others and that was a character flaw…which colors every other perception.
Now, decades later, it’s in much better perspective: Being able to accept an unsolicited kindness – a thoughtful or even offhand offer of a small courtesy – is a surprising and unheralded part of personal growth. Not everything in life has an ulterior motive or subtext. You’re not giving up power or control by allowing someone to assist you in some way even if you don’t need it – like holding a door open or giving a compliment. As you might tell us, maybe it’s just a little conversation starter.
Giving to others is all very well but being able to accept the unsolicited gift is more difficult. Think of all the people who complain about a past significant other, saying that the other person didn’t want them or what they had to give. Maybe the real story is that the other person thought that if they accepted something that they didn’t expect or ask for, that they would feel guilty or they weren’t ready – or maybe they just didn’t know what they wanted. Maybe they thought that they had nothing of equal value to offer the other person so they didn’t feel right accepting anything – which for most couples is simply their unconditional love or affection. Some people just can’t believe that someone else could give of themselves to them in that way. But when you start to open up and expand your ability to accept WHATEVER another has to offer you, isn’t that a special moment when you realize that it’s not only pretty damn cool but maybe you are allowing your world/heart to expand to make room for something bigger than yourself.
Thats definately the most heart felt blog Ive ever read from anyone.
Thats what makes you a great teacher my freind.
Im sure your new project of ‘Love’ will be huge success.
I love the fact that even though your hurting your still working like crazy and teaching better than ever…
Frustration, Temptation has a hold on me…I am in love but love does not love me…These used to be my mottos in life past. Each day is a new beginning and life is what a person makes of it whether it be good or bad. That is past and we can not turn back the hands of time to make it better what is said is said this was giving to me by one of my ex husbands. So what can we do about it is go ahead with life.
Quote:
Each day will happen upon God’s Will
Rather we like it or not
We are the ones who make the difference.
But we must go on what keeps me going is the saying Until We Meet again….Life is a learning tool we would like to change things and be able to look into the future and see what will happen. Sometimes I run into people that will say I know what he/she is going to say and do but really do we know? Because someone dies does not mean we end our life but go on and live our life and do the missions that were set forth as God as Willed for each and everyone of us.
Dave
We live and learn each day is a present that is given to us and we are the ones who decide how we are going to deal with the situation. I pray that all is well with you and yours. Get better and take care of that back for we live only once in life make the best of it.
Oh before I forget: I would like to share this….Off the blog
My daughter graduated this year and she told me this: There was a classmate of hers that was a Junior at the High School she attends. She lost her child through miscarriage and broke up with her boyfriend and committed suicide. This happened two or three days ago.
Thought I would share this you all…
Tony
Thanks….My brother would not want us to grieve for him for the rest of our lives he would want us to go on and live our lives the way God intended for us too.
God I wish I could meet girls that have this insight. A lack of self-knowledge, and the guts to go for that sefl-knowledge, is the number one thing that makes me get bored with a girl. I don’t care how pretty she is. If she doesn’t have the guts to do the things David did in this post, you are in for one big pile of trouble…at least once every month, and probably more.
Knowing herself is one of the sexiest things a girl can do in my opinion.
That’s good to know David!
Great that you had a good relationship with your dad and accepted him with his flaws. That’s what we all need to do because family will not be around forever as you learned from both your dad and especially your younger brother. I really feel for you on that with your brother and all that followed. My dad and I got very close in his last year. One thing I forgot to add from last night is that forgiveness is very powerful, very liberating. For the forgiver as much as the forgiven.
Yes, as you said, every day brings lessons in life. And also about what you’ve said about failing. If you’re not failing, then chances are you’re not learning. Like you said, you only fail if you don’t try. That’s something we all need to learn.
Best wishes on not only your upcoming outpatient surgery, but especially for your important personal project of love. Love is the most important project any of us will ever have.
Hoping the best for you Mr. Wygant. This was indeed a very insightful blog. Life is a journey and it is great to discover things and be honest with yourself. This blog has helped me as well.
Hi David,
thanks, again, for sharing this. Someone once compared “anger” with “your house being on fire”. For me, this makes a lot of sense.
“If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist.”
“There is no such thing as failing
There is only learning and a slight delay in results:)”
Z
I heard some bad stories on surgury–pain, non-healing, pain med addictions, infection, can’t exercise for a yr, functioning problems,etc–I would see if natural therapies like prolotherapy–acupuncture needles with nutrients to tighten the ligaments could help- Dr Richard Ash in nyc or Dr. Chris Calapai LI.
Its clear something powerful came out of tragic circumstances, which speaks to your spirit at a young age, and why you are compassionate in the ways you are. I hope you are well.