A “Physical” Experience-Plus Podcast
A “Physical” Experience
By David Wygant
So today I went for my yearly physical. Now I’m a pretty healthy guy. Ok, I’m actually a health freak. I do yoga, I eat well, I stay out of the sun, I exercise every day. But it seems like every year right before I have my physical, I freak out. I always think “What if they find something?” It’s amazing, though, what ELSE you start to think about once the physical is under way . . .
It is as I’m in the doctor’s office today that I realize that there is only one time in my life when I don’t like my balls touched – and it’s when I’m in the doctor’s office! There’s just something about the way he says “Drop your pants to your knees” in that manly voice. It could also be that paper robe you are forced to wear that makes you feel oh so sexy. Either way, I do not enjoy the ball-touching that takes place in the doctor’s office.
As the doctor is touching each testicle, he even tells you “The left testicle looks good, feels good.” Hearing this I’m thinking “It does NOT feel good! Where are the long female fingernails lightly touching each testicle and giving me erotic pleasure?” When I look up now, all I see is Dr. Ron telling me each ball is okay.
Then comes the dreaded words “Roll to your left and get in the fetal position,” ’cause you know what’s coming next. Then in a gentle voice you hear “We’re going to check for blood in your stool and see how the prostate looks . . . but first we have to lube it up a little bit.”
As a finger slides up my ass, I realize that the only things I like are things that come OUT of my ass. The play-by-play is also a trip. “Prostate nice and smooth . . .no swelling in there . . .” Well, ok then, take your finger out of my ass! “One more circle to make sure everything is ok . . .” Great! Then when he removes his finger and I think, I am SO glad I’m a dating doctor and not a real doctor.
Then while I’m still in shock, he hands me a box of tissues and says “Clean yourself up. The nurse will be back in a few minutes.” So I’m thinking “Wow, you mean I don’t get to stay here all day long and engage in another round of pleasure?!”
Now you are all probably wondering how all this pertains to dating. The truth is that I have no idea and it really doesn’t matter, because what I really want is to have you all share your doctor stories.
Weigh in on this question: Who suffers more – men with a finger in their ass or women in the stirrups being opened with a spatula like an omelet. Let the debate begin . . .
Todays podcast is all about men and there number system. Are you a man who rates women on a scale from 1 to 10?
Its time to end the number system once and for all.
All the women will enjoy this podcast more than any other one.
May 14th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
David - This is a fantastic blog!!! I can’t stop laughing, and I literally have tears running down my face!
You certainly have a way with words 
Now as to your question of the day…it’s a hands down “win” for the women on this, i.e., they suffer WAY more than the men! Allow me to explain …
You describe how the ball-fondling and ass invasion you endured took place during your YEARLY PHYSICAL. So, what I’m hearing is that while it’s not the greatest day of your year, you get all of your doctor-related unpleasantness overwith in one visit. It’s one-stop shopping!!
We ladies on the other hand, have to endure at least TWO visits: one to our primary doc for that same yearly physical (complete with horrid paper robe and some unpleasant fondling) AND go see our gynecologist for the queen mother of all fun events - the pap spear, ass check and breast smushing trifecta which we get to do spread eagle in stirrups. Now THAT’s fun!!
So while I will concede that neither side is getting off too easily … I think we gals win the “who suffers more” prize by a long-shot!!
May 14th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Hey David - This is SO funny!
I have one word that summarizes why we ladies suffer more: WITNESSES! Yes, while a necessary evil, in today’s litigious society it has come to the point where gynecologists (for their own legal protection) tend to have at least one (or in the case of my gynecologist’s office TWO) other people who are in the room to attest that no “hankgy panky” has taken place.
These “witnesses” stand behind the doctor like Johnny Bench behind home plate watching the whole gynecological event unfold! So, if laying naked and spread-eagle in stirrups under nothing more than a big paper napkin isn’t humiliating enough … let’s add some additional strangers to the mix
May 14th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Sorry to pile on here David - but here’s one thing to add to what the two ladies before me said …
While I’m sure you don’t particularly love having your …. boys … touched by the doctor, I can’t imagine it’s THAT bad.
To check our breasts, we ladies go to get a mammogram where they essentially put them in a machine and flatten them - not so comfortable!!
When they start having to put your testicles into a machine and flatten them in order to test for things … then I’ll concede that you men may suffer more than we do. Until then though …. sorry, David, you boys are getting off easier than we gals
May 14th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Yeowch!
All this “smushing”, “flattening” and “witnessing” has me siding with the women ,at least on this issue. Hopefully we keep our sense of humor whenever we find ourselves in these somewhat daunting situations
(and that all the tests are negative).
I have a particular aversion to providing “specimens” . Years ago I was required to provide a sperm sample at the request of a fertitlity doctor i was seeing. Naturally the waiting room at the “collection centre” was filled to capacity , and the receptionist was loud and somewhat crusty. As long as i live I will never forget what she said ( or more acurately BELLOWED) as I handed her my requisition. ” OK MR. ANDREW YOU NEED WE NEED A SPERM SAMPLE… IN THIS CONTAINER ,THE BATHROOM IS DOWN THE HALL … AND MAKE SURE THERE IS NO SALIVA TO CONTAMINATE THE SPECIMEN” nor will i forget all those eyes upon my as i trudged off to do what they all knew I was going to to do. Everyting about this situation was so wrong. Nothing in my 23 years could have prepared me for this, and as if this couldn’t get much worse… I managed to leave a wet spot on my Jeans ! So now I’m frantically trying to dry it using toilet paper … and the stuff that ran through my brain….” I can’t go out there that was way too quick”, and ” thats not near enough , maybe I could go again?” I waited a while in that bathroom , weighing my options, and drying the stain. I considered leaving and never coming back. The finale was somewhat anti-climactic,I managed to sum up the courage to walk back into that room and place and deliver the goods,unable to raise my eyes from the floor. My doctor told me later that i could have done the deed at home.
Ever since that incident i’ve had my share of medical related anxiety
David ,
I feel your pain man. I suppose it could be worse… your doctor might have had both his hands on your shoulders when he checked your prostate.
May 14th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Very funny Jeff!
And I do have to say …. I am glad there is nothing we ladies are asked to have to - uh, produce - on command in a doctor’s office 
May 14th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Dr. Bob is the first to admit that he was a number counter. As crazy as it might seem I was once one of those immature number counter guys. I rated women on a scale of 1 to 70 - of course Bob had his own number counter program …
But that podcast really hit home, cause it’s so true - men are so immature rating women on a scale of 1 to 10 like a piece of meat that Rocky Balboa is going to punch.
David this podcast was great - isn’t it time that we only rate people on a scale of yes, no or maybe?!
BTW Disneyland was great!! For any of you that care …
May 14th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Kate,
I’ve never heard of a medical “ass check” for women, what are they checking for?
Elizabeth,
You have my sympathy regarding the witnesses. My closest experience was as a kid. I think it was prior to high school. A doctor asked if it would be OK if a colleague in training sat in as he asked me some questions. I didn’t see a problem with it, but then I didn’t know the nature of the questions… and it turned out to be a female colleague. Back then (at that age) it was a bit traumatic. I assumed he was going to ask about diet, exercise and school; I wasn’t thinking self indulgence.
Are witnesses also present when the doctor is female?
Before my son was born, I accompanied her to all the checkups. I think that especially at the beginning she felt better having me there, and I liked being able to ask questions and learn what was going on too… I did silently accommodate her wishes and stand by her head during the invasive parts. (Part of me was intellectually curious, but her comfort was more important.) - The doctor was female. She would not have felt comfortable with a male Dr.
May 14th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
I haven’t the faintest idea, Ken - but if I could show there is no pressing need for it I’d be the first to lobby to have it removed from the repertoire!!
May 14th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
OH David!
May 14th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Kate,
You can always ask…
May 14th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Oh David,
U have brought back memories about my ‘Doctor’s visit”. I did actually enjoy the ”ball fondling” coz the Doctor was female. It was an awesome experience..The ‘other check-up’ was annoying…
May 14th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Lou
I once had a female DR and when she fondled i fondled right back:)
Ok just kidding but seeing if we are all paying attention.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
david, lou
isn’t one finger in the ass, worth two in the bush? just kidding..
cheers,
Joe
May 14th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
David…I think your MD just likes your ass. A PSA works just as well for the old prostate, and you can check for the blood at home.
When they shove a camera in one of your orfices, then you can talk to me about how embarrassing an exam is.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Oh and while I’m thinking about it…try being professionally involved, seeing them on a daily basis, with the same people who put you through all these embarrassing moments.
May 14th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
Bertie,
While I’ve never had a camera inserted into an orifice, I have experienced some fiber optic device inserted to check out the sinus’s. It was a _very_ unpleasant experience.
I
nsertions should be restricted to hygiene or consensual pleasure.
May 14th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
Well the Gyne guy might call it fiber optics, but as I recall it, it looked a lot more like a garden hose, and I suppose I was supposed to get all excited about getting to see the inside of my nether regions on the tv, but frankly I didn’t find it nearly as nifty as he did. I will admit though that he doesn’t make me wear paper so that’s a plus. The trouble is I see this guy on a regular basis.I’ve never had the optics up the nose, thankfully. My EENT just CT’d my head, and then later went digging around in my sinuses. That I admit was most unpleasant afterwards.
May 14th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Bertie,
Have you had the “opportunity” to experience the other side of an interaction with a coworker, or maybe a patient who’s a good friend? I know you’ve posted stories of experiences with patients you didn’t know(and would prefer to keep it that way.); do you find your experience to be different when you do know them? (Assuming all relationships are platonic, and there are no crushes involved.)
May 14th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
I don’t think much about it when I’m standing beside the bed and not laying in it. Sometimes its kind of weird for them and me initially, but in the end it doesn’t change how they are cared for. The worst time was when we were resuscitating one of my dad’s friends. At first I didn’t recognize him, but we brought him back long enough for him to tell us his name. We worked on him for what seemed like forever, but in the end no one could save him. That was a bit gut wrenching. Sorry to burst anyone’s fantasies about nurses, but I’ve never found a patient attractive. Yall may just love the view from the bed, but a guy in a backless gown doesn’t do anything for me.
May 14th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Yet knowing that doesn’t lesson the discomfort of being on the other side…
May 14th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
I have really mixed feelings about being the patient, however, if your friends can’t take care of you, who can or will? I’d rather know the guy who is sticking a camera in my orifices than not know him.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Hey there David, first time poster, long time podcaster/blog reader here…
I just wanted to say thank you very much for FINALLY putting to rest the ‘1-10 number system scale’, although I admit that I did chuckle a little as you said ” anyone over the age of 22 shouldn’t use a number system” as I am in fact of that age, and can honestly say that I do not use it.
About the blog; fortunently I have a few years to go before I am to enjoy the ‘other checkup’.
At a guess, I would say that women suffer more than men.
Incidentally, I happened to notice at the tail end of this podcast that you had the BeeGees playing the background. Any significance or just a random occurance?
May 15th, 2008 at 12:31 am
JOE;
Hey stranger..LOL! You crack me up…well you know haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa no pun intended on your “isn
May 15th, 2008 at 11:34 am
“I would say we equally suffer as men and women, unless having a baby is involved”
How true. She never understood… until she was on the other side when her friend gave birth.
May 16th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
I think the women have to get this one although the finger up my butt as well as the camera and oh yeah the catheder in my weiner if thats how you spell it, those were pretty bad but the stirrups and 2 people all i have to say is what if yo usee them on the street the next day.
May 17th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Jacob;
I had to make sure you were not another Jacob I know..LOL haaa
Yea…I am sure the catheder isn’t the most pleasant.
What are you referring to when you say…”2 people all i have to say is what if yo usee them on the street the next day..”
Use WHAT the next day?
May 29th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Geesh… I am not a man so I wouldn’t know what’s worse. I can’t really comment on that. I can say that I laughed when you described the finger up the ass… Just be thankful he didn’t want to put anything bigger up your ass. You don’t like things up your ass… well, neither do I… And I’m not talking just about a finger!
The whole annual exam isn’t so bad until you have been to a small town doctor’s office in China where they line all the women up on tables and the doctor slides to each one on a chair with wheels. To make things even more uncomfortable, the doctor stops at yours longer because you’re the foreigner who likes things neat and pretty down there. Yours then stands out amongst the other women (who are all Chinese) lying spread eagle on beds. You not only feel uncomfortable, but you feel like a freak of nature as well. The women on either side of you try to get a glimpse of yours as they lean over themselves for a peek. And all you can do is lay there and pray that no one wants to take a picture.
I think that is a lot more uncomfortable and embarrassing than you in a private room with a doctor’s finger up your ass. Yes?