How to Enjoy the Silence
January 26, 2012 
33 Comments
“Hello darkness my old friend / I’ve come to…”
Okay, I don’t know if those are the lyrics at all, but I know that it’s all about the sound of silence.
For so many of you, when you’re out on a date or in a new relationship, the sound of silence really bothers you. But in reality, there never really is any silence. You can be standing there looking out at the water on a date, listening to the ocean, and feeling the need to talk, but in reality what’s the issue? If you just stood there and looked into the water together you’re forming a memory, you’re forming a union, and you’re both enjoying nature.
There are so many beautiful sounds that are around you at all times, there’s never really complete silence.
Don’t be afraid of the silence. Enjoy it. And after sitting next to your date in “silence” for 20 minutes, listening to the ocean, look at her and say, “God, that was amazing. I love listening to the ocean; it’s such an amazing, rhythmic, incredible sound.” You can share silence together; you don’t have to be afraid of it.
It’s amazing how we always feel the need to talk, or to fill the airspace with words, or thoughts, or anything. But through silence we actually get deeper in touch with our emotions and we connect back to the Mother Earth; we connect back to the way things really are.
I’m writing this as I’m sitting on Miami Beach listening to the water, listening to the birds, watching the people leave the beach, watching the sun get lower into the sky, checking out the art deco buildings, looking at the way that these lifeguard stands are painted, and just listening to the water and to the sound of the ocean.
It’s that easy. Get peaceful. Learn to enjoy the silence.
Taking in the energy and the pulse of the world can have amazing effects.
I think a lot of guys fear that silence, in-turn filling the void with a bunch of rambling, conversation, and sub-par connection/experiences.
Like you mentioned, David -there is no silence. Very powerful stuff!
Silence never bothered me, It’s bothered dates though, a 30 second silence and they have this bored look on their faces until I engage them again. needless to say, no second date.
I agree David I feel that silence doesn’t have to be awkward with a date. I asked a guy once why he kept asking if I was bored (I was enjoying a nice nature walk with his company) and realized that my silence made him uncomfortable. We can be secure in the silence. no need to freak out!
Thank you! I once dated a guy who told me I was anxious because I talked only occasionally while we were eating dinner. I thought, “No, I just want to eat my food with my mouth closed.” He was the one who was uncomfortable with the small silences…and he forgot he was talking to a future psychologist who can spot projection
Amy, that gave me chuckle.
I enjoy the silence. Often silence on the outside is a precursor to silence on the inside. For me, being silent on the inside is one of the best experiences. You just get to exist and be a part of everything.
Amy please diagnose Julie. He’s got the same issues as your date…i think.
a romantic evening just me and my guy watching the waves come in and out and studying together it is like reading each others thoughts…there are times that i like to be silent especially when i have spoke to a lot customers and being myself…
off the blog
dave i just finished ur book Naked and enjoyed reading in the book it pointed some things that i was going thru…i am going over to amazon.com and give u great rating…keep up the good work..who knows our twain my meet someday once more…
I wish I was good looking.
:’-(
I tend to vacillate between enjoying and deploring the silence. My fellow can be quite introspective sometimes and isn’t always the loudest, but he’s also the life of the party! Sometimes I’m able to just sit there silently and enjoy his presence, but other times, I find myself asking “Are you okay? You’re so quiet, babe!” every five minutes. Its something I’m legitimately trying to stop doing, and I think I’m getting better! I really appreciate this blog post. It’s good to be reminded how pleasant just enjoying the silence is.
@John: We all do, buddy! That’s why companies like MAC and Revelon exist.
It’s all about going beyond your own insecurities, accepting that you’re not always gonna look the way you want to, and that you should still live life to the fullest! Be confident! Throw yourself into life, and don’t look back! I’m not particularly good looking (especially compared to Angelina Jolie or Christina Hendricks or Charlize Theron), but I love myself for who I am anyway! Even if I’m not as hot as Jessica Alba, Im still fun, confident, funny, smart and I take life by the balls! And John, that’s what attractiveness is about! I might not necessarily be good looking, but I sure as hell am attractive! I don’t get caught up in my insecurities, so I attract people because they think I’m pretty cool and wanna hang out. I think you should focus on stuff other than your looks, because, buddy, come on! You’ve been saying the same stuff for 6 months!! I encourage you to change your attitude and try to forget about how “ugly” or “unattractive” you think you are!
John, How long have you thought you weren’t good looking?
I think silent moments during the first few dates can tell you a lot about what you think of each other and level of interest. On the first date if I am not feeling a connection or interest, the silence is uncomfortable and I usually don’t go on a second date with the guy. However, I have found times where I am with a new guy and there is attraction and chemistry, when we hit silent moments, we usually end up locking eyes for a few seconds, you get that butterflies feeling and then laughing.. i love the feeling as if we are two young kids again!
@John – Guess what… Ugly people have boyfriends and girlfriends. Ugly people get dates. Ugly people find someone special, get laid, get married, etc. Same goes for fat people, mean people, stupid people, smelly people, people with too much or too little hair, and anyone else you wouldn’t even want to date.
So whatever’s holding you back, it ain’t ugly: It’s you. If you’re ugly, you don’t have too many options to change it (plastic surgery? dating blind people?). But if it’s you, then you’ve got no one to blame but yourself for not changing it.
Feel free to keep complaining about being ugly, though… If you think that’ll fix your problem. Might be better to think about what your real problem is, and how you can fix it.
@John : I have just one thing to add to Paula’s and Adam’s advices (which I find superb, by the way).
What exactly do you think is ugly on you ?
I can’t see much of you on your picture, but I do see one thing : you’re not deformed, third-degree burnt, deeply scarred, or afflicted with a giant tumor in the face. You have nothing that you can’t change or improve.
You can work out if you think you’re too fat. Hair, anywhere on the body, can be shaved, even epilated. You don’t have a nice skin ? A few beauty products might help (not an expert here) or even… makeup ! Yes, if it can make you feel good, even men can wear a slight face powder. I have done so, in my teens, one or two times when my acne was unbearable and I didn’t want to get hormonal treatment.
What else is there left to cover ? For your face, try new styles. If you don’t have a lot of hair, you can try and shave it completely ! Grow a beard. A mustache. Short, long… find what most advantages your features ! Ask David or anyone you trust for cosmetic advice !
All the rest can be outright hidden behind clothes and accessories if you want to.
There’s only one ugliness you can’t hide : your ugliness inside ; self-deprecation, self-pity, monkey chatter, that no amount of cosmetics will hide. That, my friend, you’ll have to deal with. And the first step is admitting that it is inside you, not outside.
Stop wishing. If it can make you feel better, make yourself as good-looking outside as you can, today ! And then tackle the REAL issues !
John,
I’ve asked girls when I was like 20 “hey, I’m better looking than your boyfriend” They’ve said yeah you are” Did they leave thier boyfriends to be with a better looking guy? Nope.
The only thing that is ugly about you, is your personality.
John, don’t worry about being good looking, worry about being awesome! Women want guys who are awesome!
I hate to say this, but it seems like as we age we lose the ability to change. Maybe, John, it’s just too late for you to become a stronger person.
I, for one, think ugly people need to be removed from society. Ugly people make all us beautiful people look at their ugly faces. It is just wrong. I suggest locking ugly people into camps. That way we don’t have to look at them anymore, and the world will be a much better place for the rest of us. Sorry John, you would be the first to go.
@Julie: Yeah, but without ugly people to make us look even better… then the rest of us awesomely good looking people will just wind up being mundane compared to each other lol
Uglies need love too.
But seriously, John, you need to get your head on straight. Seems like every post that David puts up, you make a comment about you being Ugly. Unless you change UP your attitude you will continue to be ugly… nobody is going to have any sympathy for you.
Julie, ugliest can also be a state of mind. A person can be be beautiful on the outside and still be ugly due to their personality. Reading your post is that example.
John, really. You need to know your okay first before you can expect a woman can. Plus, do you expect a woman to give you that validation. Thats a lot a pressure. Is that why you want a hot lady and only hot lady will do? I had read your comments and sense your frustation. I wonder how many missed opportunites you let slipped by because your perception of yourself. Please pardon me for being too forward. I hope you find what you looking for.
For the post, sometimes silence can be a wonderful thing.
@julie,, lol. ,, that’s funny.
@ everyone else,, I don’t expect the good looking people to ever understand.
@ Patrick,, attitude has nothing to do with it.
Good looking people usually only have good attitudes, because they know they never have to be alone, and everything in the world is just handed to them.
For the record,,,
I wish I was rich too.
Ok seriously. I just added John to the list of people to whom I’ll never answer again, unless it’s in everybody else’s interest. In fact, there are only three people on that list, but anyways.
He doesn’t want us to say anything. He just wants to complain and believe that someone will read it. He said it himself : he never asked for help. So I don’t see why we should give him any.
Sorry John. I hope that some people remain to continue answering your calls for no-help. Your arguments, if we may even call them that, make so little sense that I can’t even humor them anymore. I’ve seen a lot of people presenting you counter-arguments that actually made sense, and you rejected them all. My conclusion : you don’t want to get better. You’re actually, in a way, comfortable with how things are. Not happy, but comfortable. And you’re trying to “improve” that comfort by proving that no one else can succeed where you’re currently failing. Because you’d rather believe that you had no choice, that the situation was impossible. It’s way easier than admitting that you just couldn’t do it, for whatever reason.
I don’t know why I’ve written all that, you won’t read it anyways, or you’ll dismiss it right away.
Good luck. I’m gone to enjoy the silence a little bit.
@John, you need to kill that ego of yours if you want to get better.
@John: WOW! It’s like you didn’t even read my post before dismissing it! As I said, I’m not a good looking person. So maybe I DO understand, John. Maybe you should listen to me. It seems like a much better option than just wallowing in self-pity.
John’s what we call an attention-whore and we’d keep feeding his ego if we kept responding to him.
So the REST OF US should just move on and actually talk about important things like “Enjoying the Silence” on a date, or how to be positive towards your own life and strive to be better than before.
I actually like that David posted this topic because being in silence allows you to callibrate yourself to tuning in to your surroundings, and as long as you know how to harness this, you can really speak the moment and spark some awesome conversations!
@paula,,, but you ARE good looking,, I see your picture!
@patrick,, whatever..
@gabery,, also, whatever.
@everyone,, lol, all I said was I wish I was good looking. I’m bummed because I’m not good looking. (it’s not even really debatable), I didn’t say,, “I’M NOT GOOD LOOKING, HELP ME!”
Look, I’ve been alone (as an adult), for longer than most of you have been alive. Do you really think you are going to give me some advice like “change your attitude”, and the world is suddenly going to open up?
And you guys getting upset,,, you’re making me crack up! Thanks for the entertainment.
I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before, but one of the absolute BEST silent experiences I’ve ever had is at the end of a hard session of Hot Yoga.
I think it’s called “savasana” or something, but you just lay on your mat and you feel yourself laying on the mat and you’re just totally connected to yourself and the dark silence. I HIGHLY recommend it.
Also,in a yoga studio there are a lot of beautiful women who have a desire to better themselves and exercise. It’s really one of the greatest places on earth.
The best moments of silence come when you are giving your woman a massage…a long sensual massage with warm fragrance oil, candles and soft music…and you listen to each other breath…and you begin to breath in unison as you connect together…never release or remove your touch…move your arms over her back and out alone her arms in unison with her breaths…do this for 30 minutes or even an hour and you will experience a connection like none other…do it right and your lover will be very near orgasmic, or even more…silence is truly golden …
To my dearest John
i was told this by my ex husband one time beauty is as beauty does…luv u still and i will answer u anytime even though you have those who forsaken u…
Lol,, thanks .
who said u were ugly john u have a wonderful smile…if that thanks is to me…ur welcome…
John, plenty of attractive people feel lonely. You need to realize that there is nobody who hasn’t felt insecure in their life, and that most people DO still feel insecure about something.
Maybe you should look for a different kind of attractiveness than physical beauty?