5 Excuses That Interfere With Your Dating Life
July 26, 2009 
16 Comments
Recently on my blog, a reader posted a comment about one of my articles in which he questioned that I or anyone else could help him to be able to meet someone. He said he has tried “everything” to meet someone. He’s tried pick-up lines and routines. He’s tried what some term “natural game.” He said nothing he’s tried has worked.
Then he started listing some of the reasons why things aren’t working for him in his dating life. What every one of his “reasons” had in common, were that they were all excuses.
Worse yet, in his mind he perceives each of these to be unchangeable facts of life instead seeing them for what they really are: excuses he’s created so he doesn’t have to face his dating difficulties. So many people make these kind of excuses in order to feel justified in not putting themselves “out there” in the dating world, or to avoid having to face that they need to work on their confidence or conversation skills.
In this article, I am going to go through five of the biggest and most common excuses people make. All five of these excuses have one thing in common: They are all manifested inside your mind so you can justify not having to try, and to allow you to feel better about your unsatisfying dating life.
What all of you excuse-makers need to realize is that an amazing dating life is not just going to magically happen to you. Just with anything else you want to achieve in life, you’ve got to put work and effort into meeting people. Let me assure you that your doorbell is not going to ring one day and when you open the door your perfect mate will be standing there with a bottle of wine and takeout saying “I’ve been driving around the neighborhood for the last 15 years looking for your house and now I’ve finally found you!”
Here are five of the biggest and most common excuses people make about their dating lives, along with proactive ways to overcome those excuses so you will never allow yourself to buy into them again.
1. I Am A Victim Of Geography: I hear it every day from clients and readers, “David, there are no good men (or women) to meet where I live – and everyone I hang out with agrees with me.” Let me tell you, I hear this “and everyone I know agrees with me” validation for people’s excuses more than anything else. The old saying that ‘misery loves company’ has never been more apropos. People love to complain, and love even more to find others who will agree with their complaints. You need to go out there with a better attitude. The fact is that where you live has nothing to do with you remaining single. It’s your mindset and your belief system that are the problem, because there are great people to meet everywhere. I’ve worked with people all over the world and no matter where my clients reside I have always been able to show them how to meet great people where they live. It’s your mindset that is dictating your ability to meet someone where you live. If you truly believe that there is nobody great to meet where you live, there you’re 100% right and you will not find anyone great to meet where you live. So you need to develop a better attitude.
2. I Attract All The Wrong People: Another excuse I constantly hear from people is “David, the only people I seem to attract are the wrong people, and I can’t seem to do anything about it.” The truth is that you have the power to do something about it. The reason why you’re attracting the wrong people comes down to the way you go out there and meet people. Look at your life a little more deeply. Are you going to same places over and over again and always meeting the same type of people? Well that could be one of the reasons. Are you not making yourself available so it’s too much of a challenge for people to meet you? That could be another reason. When you go out on dates, do you tend to talk more about negative things than positive things? This can also bring the wrong people into your life. The list of questions like these can go on and on, but what’s important is that you stop thinking about the people that you are meeting and start thinking about how you’re meeting them. Start thinking about how you can change your life. In order to meet different people than you’ve been meeting, you need to change your life immediately.
3. I Don’t Have Time: If you don’t have time to meet someone, then you’re not going to meet someone. If you truly want to meet someone, you need to make time to do it. It’s really that simple. As I mentioned above, your perfect person is not just going to show up on your doorstep one day. You need to be willing to put some effort into meeting people. In fact, you need to put time into it every day if you want that to actually happen. This is something I tell all my clients all the time. Fifteen minutes a day devoted to going out there and meeting new people is all you need. Try setting goals for yourself if that helps you. Tell yourself “I’m going to talk to four new people today” or something like that. Whatever your goal is, though, you need to make yourself reach it every day. People aren’t just going to start coming over and approaching you. You’ve got to make it happen. You’ve got to make the time. If you’re not willing to make the time to meet someone, then you’re right when you say you will not meet someone. I know you’re busy. We’re all busy. Just remember that this is YOUR life, and only you can make your life happen for you.
4. I Can’t Meet Anyone Until … : Some people’s excuses, while phrased less negatively than others, are just as bad in terms of preventing them from facing their dating issues. My favorite one of these is the “as soon as” person. These people are everywhere. You’ve heard them, and I certainly have heard them. “David, as soon as I lose weight I’ll go out and talk to people.” There are a million other phrases that could be filled in after the “as soon as” part of that sentence: as soon as I get back in the gym … as soon as I finish this big project at work … as soon as I go on this new diet … as soon as my kids get older … I could go on and on for days with examples, but you get the idea. When you start using “as soon as” excuses, you become the person who truly believes that life is going to change the second you accomplish other things. You’ve got to start doing this now, because life is all about being in the moment and living in the now. You need to totally get rid of the mindset that you will somehow be magically ready to meet someone “as soon as” you accomplish some other thing. Life is not about scheduling things like this and putting them on a timetable. Once again this all about your attitude and mindset. You’ve got to be open to meeting someone all the time.
5. Only Losers Do Online Dating: I hear many people who have never tried online dating tell me “I don’t want to do online dating. Online dating is for losers.” This is a ridiculous statement. There are millions upon millions of people dating online. A client of mine once said to me “David, I don’t want to put my picture on my online dating profile because someone I know might see it and then they’ll know I’m doing online dating.” Let’s put aside the fact that if someone sees your online profile, it likely means they themselves are doing online dating. Here again, there is an attitude problem at work. You need to change the way you see things. If someone has seen you online, then if they see you in real life they can walk over to you and say “Did I see you on Yahoo! Personals the other day? I didn’t know you were single.” You’ve got to tell people you’re single and, more importantly, you need to stop feeling like there is something wrong with being single. Going online is making an announcement to the world that “Yes, I’m single, I’m open and I want to meet someone.” You can’t just stay in your house and do absolutely nothing. While online dating may not be for everyone, you need to stay open and take action to improve your dating life.
In order to meet great people, you’ve got to decide to be proactive and do all these things. So get rid of the excuses, get rid of the fears, and start meeting great people.
If you have another excuse that I haven’t mentioned here, email it to me because I want to hear it. That way, the next time I write an article about excuses I can be sure to address it.
Personally I don’t like the idea of online dating, give it time and if I get desperate enough I might try it. My biggest excuse, if you can call it that when I am ready to looking for at date is letting anyone get close to my kids. It really would have to be a great friendship that slowly evolves to something more. The law of abundance even I know it’s mental and I am not a pessimist the reality is with 3 kids and being close to 41 the numbers don’t work in my way. Most men my age will go for the max 35 crowd. The ones who do not mind my age have reached the one where they don’t want to be with someone with small kids. My sister does have a online dating account and for fun I looked over it and numbers are just not going my way. On the other hand the 28-35 is a great crowd of men, just at a very different stage of life than me.
It seems to me that women who use online dating raise their standards higher than they would if they met someone in public. There is an air about some profiles like they are ordering a man from a catalog to be made exactly to their liking. Their not open to meeting a great guy, they’re closed off because they are looking for exactly the right guy and missing out on the majority of great guys that are available. Nobody is perfect. (except me of course!) ; ))
“and if I get desperate” Marina, this is an excuse. Desperate enough does not mean the internet, it means YOU are not ready to date someone new. Not trying to be negative, but this is exaclty what David means when he says why do people still put a negative sterotype on people who date online. I think dating online is much more established than it was five years ago and there is nothing wrong with meeting someone online, desperate or not.
As for the rest of your post… Not so sure you are right. But you do have specific challenges to face when attracting someone. So do I.
As for me. I am a very, very stubborn number 4. I have excuses to back up my excuses to back up my excuses. Like an onion I have to keep peeling them back and going is that another excuse I made up ten years ago and still use today until I find the person I want to be proud of hiding underneath all the excuses.
I no Way dó i find it negative to dó online dating just to clear for Any misunderstandings. As to the phrase Desperate maybe not the Best but meaning more in the Lines of having tried if how i meet people/fdates in the past does not work out, then I would try it. I just never looked or felt i needed to be with someone just enjoyed every steep and if something happen fine if not then no big deal.
David I agree with you that those are excuses that hide a person’s unwillingness to take a few reasonable risks. I am sure you and most of your readers are younger than I am, for I am now 65. Talk about finding it hard to meet suitable women! Try meeting the right person at my time of life. That is why I finally tried internet dating and had a very successful experience. If you are interested, I wrote a book about it entitled Internet Safari, Finding Love Online at 65. In short, I met 19 women in four months. Only three of them would clearly be labeled as “losers.” I was very pleased at the quality of people I met. I liked almost all of them — I just wasn’t attracted to several of them. If anyone saw the profile I used, they would understand that it created barriers so that only out of the ordinary women responded to someone as unusual as me. But still, there were 19 positive responses in all before I found the one I settled on and established a long term relationship with. So the bottomline is that people can be successful with online dating and it puts you in touch with compatible people in your vicinity.
Some more excuses………………
No woman will want me because I’m too… skinny, fat, bald, short, etc etc…….
I don’t want to go bother him/her he looks busy, or he/she looks like he is in a bad mood.
It’s going to be difficult, it’s going to take a long time, I don’t have enough money, I have never done it before, I don’t want to get rejected in front of other people, I can do it later, I’m too tired, I’m not in the mood, and many more……..
Funny how all of these excuses really have no meaning. They are all just their to try and cover up the two simple truths
I don’t want to do the work, and I’m scared to get real with myself.
I totally agree with reasons actually being excuses. I’m trying to overcome these excuses (and some of the ones Cam mentioned as well) and what it really comes down to is dating is hard and I didn’t want to work that hard.
I’m learning to work it into my daily life and find ways to improve myself with every step. This is a great list to remind people that if you really are ready to date, there are no reasons not to.
Thanks for great the post.
Kirsten
Amazing post, David! You really addressed some mine boogeymen that I didn’t even notice myself! I’m gonna have to print this out! =)
I always said I would never do online dating but I have to say I have met some people that I would never have met had I not gone online. That’s something to think about. Marina you think that the numbers don’t work your way at 41 try being 61! I am attractive, slim, successful, fit, own my own home and am financially able to take care of my self. But most of the men my age don’t want women my age because they can have 30 year olds and the others I wouldn’t have because they are either couch potatoes, smokers or they are just looking for someone to take care of them. I am inundated with young guys that are looking for their own “cougar” which does not appeal to me.
Thanks David for pointing out these tips. I live in Los Angeles, and I am tired of hearing people say you can’t meet someone in LA and suggest that singles move. I have dated online and offline, and yes it is easier to meet someone when you are on vacation and the playing field evens out. But online dating is NOT for only losers. There are plenty of happy couples on my site CyberDatingExpert.com who met their spouses online. You have to have a sense of humor about it and laugh off the ones that don’t work out.
Julie Spira
Author, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online
After ploughing along for years, working at this, im happy to say my only excuse now is about approaching random people in shops, the street etc!
Yes… the “I can’t meet someone until…” excuse held me back for years. I used to think that no attractive women would take me seriously until I drove a new, cool, and expensive car, or until I owned my own place. Those limiting beliefs are complete BS, and the sooner you recognize them and get rid of them, the sooner you’ll have success.
Thanks Barbara,
i am in no way pessimistic but I dó have a great dad. Maybe too Old for you
Living in spain great Warm guy and very active. Hoping for his side of the gene pool as hé looks younger than most 55 years Old… Any chance we could swap one if your cougar Lovers for mé and you get ny dad. Just joking about the cougar part enough babysitting for mé.
Great responded ón this one David and coaches.
I probably have gone through all these excuses myself.
I think the most important part of overcoming them is really… to realize that they are your own personal doubts… but personal doubts don’t have to stay true if you do something about it.
The number of excuses people make are just ridiculous. I have a friend who I’m trying to help to get open around women and I try to help him because this women thing affects the rest of his life too and it pisses me off when friends struggle. What’s amusing is that he is cute and creative, but he hits a barrier when he’s around women. I took him with me and another girl and guy and I pretended I’m into that other guy so that he can talk to the other girl. Let’s say that pretending that you’re into someone sucks, but what annoyed me is that he wasn’t doing anything. This girl was talking about how she’s in the police academy and the classes and drills that they have so I leaned in and told my friend to tell her something like if she’ll behave, he’ll let her practice cuffing him later on and then tease her about how she’s not behaving. What’s painful is that the girl was liking him, but he blew it. Anyway, he just got up and bought her a drink. That made me want to bang my head against the table while pretending to like the other guy. My friend pulled one of those wait until something excuse. Another thing with my friend, he works at a casino and was talking to this waitress there in the elevator and she told him how much he makes and I was like… I hoped you told her that it’s good that she makes that much because now she affords taking him out to have dinner. He didn’t. I don’t even know what’s so hard for guys to tease women. And what pisses me off the most is the just be yourself crowd that say that doing this is manipulative. It’s not manipulative, you’re just giving women what they want – to have fun. Buying me drinks is manipulative because I doubt you’re so giving to your friends too – you’re just trying to show me that you’re nice and whatnot. And I don’t see anything wrong with learning skills. You’ll be a better self, not someone else.
I realized that if I was a guy, I’d be shagging so many women if I wanted to that it’s not even funny. lol
I meet people at my job and I have a few guy friends that I talk to and some here in town. But the rest of the time I like to be alone with my thoughts and get ready to face another day.