4 Ways To Attract More Women Through Outcome Independence
January 3, 2009 
26 Comments
Men tend to be very outcome dependent. Many men approach women with one goal in mind: to get their phone number. Such men think if they approach a woman, they must get her phone number in order for that approach to have been successful. These men, in fact, will base their entire assessment of an encounter on whether a woman gives them her phone number. This type of mindset is what I’m referring to when I talk about outcome dependence.
As a man, the problem with having outcome dependence is that women are not wired to be outcome dependent like men tend to be. Women are about being connected emotionally. Men need to understand this, and learn to start judging their encounters with women by how well they were able to connect with each woman (rather than by whether they walked away with a phone number).
It’s time to declare your outcome independence! Here are ways to lose your outcome dependence and attract more women by connecting with them:
1. Stop Being A Predator: You can’t possibly meet every woman you see. Virtually every guy I’ve ever coached have asked me how they can meet women who are walking toward them on the street. Think about this though. You’re walking down the street. You see a woman you find attractive who is also walking down the street. You’re both in a hurry. You all of a sudden become very outcome dependent – you want to meet her right now and get her phone number right now. Let me try to put it into perspective: When you’re in a rush walking down the street, do you like to be bothered? You can’t bother every single woman as she walks down the street by stopping her to ask her for her phone number. You need to realize that you can’t have every single woman you see simply because you find them attractive, because women will not be attracted to you unless you know how to also connect with them. So stop being a predator who chases women, and start attracting them by engaging them in conversations.
2. Good Mechanics Don’t Ensure Success: Just because you walked over to a woman and opened her with some amazing words of wisdom does not mean that she will want to go out with you. When you speak with a woman you need to listen very carefully to what she has to say, because it takes more than a clever opener to really get a woman to be interested in you. You need to pay really close attention to everything a woman says so you can initiate conversation topics about what’s already in her mind. You need to be able to not only engage her in conversation, but also to be able to take the conversation deeper. So just because you arrived on the scene and delivered a perfect opener does not mean that you’re going to get the phone number. It takes a lot more than just showing up in life to get that phone number from a woman.
3. Stay In The Moment: One of the most important things to do to stop being outcome dependent is to make a significant mindset shift. What this means is that when you are talking to a woman, you need to stop focusing on getting women’s phone numbers and start focusing more on staying present in the moment. A lot of men will ask a woman for her phone number and to go out on a date with him mere seconds after they approach and start talking to her. That is the very embodiment of being outcome dependent. Remember once again that in order to get a woman’s phone number you must first connect with her emotionally and in a way that will make her want to give you her phone number. One thing you’ll need to do to connect with women is to be willing to share something about yourself.
Think about this from a woman’s perspective. You’re a complete stranger who has approached her and asked her out … all in fifteen seconds or less. She will first wonder why you are asking her out, but since you know nothing else about her she will assume that you are only asking her out because you are physically attracted to her. Plus since she knows nothing about you, she is unlikely to agree to give you her phone number. So if you want to connect with women when you meet them, you are going to have to spend some time being in the moment with them. Putting in this time also allows both of you to see if you even like each other. Plus, if you’ve been in the moment and connected with a woman when you meet her, if she does give you her phone number she will be excited to get your call (instead of feeling about you like she does about most telemarketers).
4. There Is No Call Back Guarantee: Just because you were able to get a woman’s phone number does not mean that she will call you back after you’ve called her. It is a simple fact of life that there are some women who will give out their phone number just because a man asks for it and regardless of whether she actually is interested in having him call her. There are other women who may genuinely be interested in you when they give you their phone number, but may decide later (due to changing their mind or meeting someone else) that they are not so interested in talking to you, and thus may not return your call when you call them. So to increase your odds of getting a call back, make sure you connect with a woman emotionally before you ask for her phone number. That will greatly increase the chances she will call you back. If a woman for whatever reason does not call you back, don’t take it personally. That happens to everyone. Just move on to meeting someone else. There’s always another woman to meet.
So are you a guy who believes that if you get a woman’s phone number that she is going to be your next girlfriend (or might even be “the one”)? Are you also a guy who believes that if that same woman doesn’t call you back that you must not have said the right thing when you approached her? If so, then you like so many men are very outcome dependent.
So many men perceive approaching a woman like a rite of passage which entitles them to favorable responses from the women they’ve approached. This is the outcome dependent mentality. It’s time to declare your outcome independence!
Understand that you may have to approach a lot of women before you find one who really relates to you. Also, the next time you walk up to a woman, don’t think about how badly you want to go out with her. Instead, get to know her first to see if you really do want to go out with her.
Timely and good post. I am guilty as charged of been outcome dependent… because of been a man, been driven, goal oriented and a proven goal achiever.
However, last night I went to an AZ night club w a different mindset. Went to one of them Meetup outings where you go meet new people. After a while I went hang by the dance floor. Many women dancing even by themselves. I thought I would just dance and have no expectation of a phone number, heck even no expectation of a name. A young lady (I’m in my forties, very young forties because of always been an athlete, but still) just grabed my forearm and got me to dance w her. After about 3 songs, I thought she was walking away, so I started doing the same. She stopped me and said “no, you are good, don’t go”. We danced like 6 songs in a row and then she said “I’m going to the bathroom” and gave me a hug. I walked away, w NO expectation of seen her again. About 10 minutes later she’s there again, waves at me and we start dancing again. I was having fun, but the biggest thing is she was having as much fun, smiling, gyrating… until she started getting tired and worn out after a long while. She hugged me again, we parted ways, I never tried to ask her phone # or any of that shit. I then realized, damn I had a great time, I had a great time dancing with that gal, and did NOT feel like a failure becuase I didn’t take her home or got her digits. I know she had a great time as well. So this time I didn’t “qualify” my fun on whether I bedded a hottie or had guaranteed steps towards that goal. I just felt like I had fun and I had fun.
Thanks for this post. I’m sure many guys really don’t understand how scary giving out personal information to a stranger can be to some women just from a security standpoint. That’s why the advice that you’re giving here is so important. I have known many women who have had total strangers demand their phone number after one dance or after a one-sided chat where the men revealed nothing about themselves yet were very aggressive.
Don’t make us lie to you. We want to be agreeable and we want to meet you but if you scare us, we will do whatever it takes to get away from you – including giving out false information. When I was a kid, women who worked in our restaurant often got asked for their home phone numbers by male customers. When some guy would not take ‘no’ for an answer, they were given the local number for the police department. Imagine their surprise when the phone was answered! I’ve had an unlisted home number for many years because I got stalked several years after a breakup. I’ve had strangers follow me home from the bus stop in broad daylight.
These days, it’s much easier for a guy to give a woman his e-mail and/or cell number as a way of asking for hers. If you don’t act like we owe you our phone number, you’re much more likely to get it. If you don’t scare us away, we will dance another dance, drink another drink, or chat a little longer…maybe even meet you at the same place the next day or weekend, etc. We like it when guys know what they want (us) but we really like it when we know that your world (and our safety) does not depend on it.
I think we men are all outcome dependent by nature, and because we have been raised that way. In business, everything is about accomplishing goals, doing the right thing, solving problems. At home, when there’s something to be fixed, it’s the man who is asked to solve it.
A good way for me to get rid of that outcome dependence is to reframe my desired outcome. If I go out and have as a goal to put a smile on each woman’s face, my male mind has an outcome, but one that aligns perfectly with what women have on their mind – connecting with people – and you wouldn’t believe how fast things can work out. It’s very easy to get into some really interesting conversations and you can be very sure that their trust and comfort in you is much higher that way than if you would just have asked for their phone number. If you try to do that for, say, a week and then take notes of the responses, it will blow your mind.
ya i think thats what makes this hard for most people.
because most of the stuff you do out there,
there is a correlation between how much you get depending how much effort you put in.
but most of us failed to realize…….
meeting the opposite sex is human interaction, not some math formula
the variables are never fixed.
However, i actually like things better this way.
it keeps the surprises coming
I don’t think that outcome dependence is necessarily a male province. In fact, it seems to me that I just received an email that pretty much outlines a female being outcome dependent from friend David here…..
However, Markus, if you’d like to fix something around the house, I have a few steps that need new treads on the deck, but you need to bring your own saw, and probably some sunshine would be good. Nothing but rain and its hampering my desire to get out there with a few 2x8s…that and the hand saw thing…
Outcome independence Forever!
As a woman, I can tell you when a man is goal fixated, whether it be on scoring my number, a dance or a kiss, he often ignores everything else to get there. He’s obviously going through the motions of listening to me, having a real give and take and just totally lying in wait for the perfect moment to seize his goal. Huge turn-off!
As a single woman, I know when I’m just out there having good time, without wanting anything other then a free flowing easy ride through the evening or party or wherever I maybe, I’m way more attractive and way more at ease.
Thanks David!!
I think this is one of the best blogs David has done as of late. To add it, I’ve noticed that in dating a lot of guys are goal-oriented not only in just the approach but on the first date. To me personally, I don’t want to kiss someone on the first date; I’m just getting to know them. It might be a month before a woman would get a kiss from me, but they’re not getting it on the first date; however, it seems like some people want to kiss the woman or get her into bed the very first night. Heck, they want it the same night they meet her! Guys, take it easy and work on just having fun. That way, if nothing more develops, you won’t regret it because you still had a great time. This can apply to more than just meeting and the first date so instead of doing just patchwork, try to approach this to your life in general. Don’t go overboard, but life doesn’t have to be a criteria. Determining happiness on a criteria only occurs because we let it be that way.
As for meeting new people, what’s worked for me is to get a wide social network. Make friends with people, and as I am meeting new people, single women are bound to come around and be open to me. That way, you’re not acting like creepy salesman guy. It also helps to have a different mindset like David mentioned. Instead of thinking about her body and her so-called “sexual attractiveness” think about who she is as a person. What makes her tick? Is she crazy, or is she cool? Then, getting someone’s number or a date or whatever just happens. It’s not forced, and you can still have a great time with someone even if it doesn’t lead into anything more.
Dave
I have some guys ask for my number and what I will tell them if they know my parents call them for they know where I am. That is if I don’t want to be with the guy. Now the guys I want to be with I will let them have my phone digits. But I have to know you first.
One time this guy called and said you are to meet me at such/such place and it was 12 midnight. Now I was interrupted from a dream of Mr. Handsome and thought this better be good. Someone better be calling me about an emergency. Well as the phone conversation took place I informed him I did not even know the address he was referring to and I lived in another state and it was 12 midnight when he called. He apologized and said that a friend of his gave him my number and said he would not be calling me back.
Before I give out my number you had better ask me out on a date to let me get to know you that is like giving you the key to my house or my car. I don’t have stooge written on me. I may be a redneck hillbilly rebel woman but I am not stupid.
One more before I call it quits
My mom raised me to allow the guy to call first. That was the appropriate way of doing things. She also taught me that men love the chase and want to be the pursuer not the pursuee. Back in my mom’s day men called the women not like it is today. I will give the guy a test I will let him call me first to see if he is interested if I don’t hear from him then good bye see you don’t want to be ya. Off to the next one that may be interested in me. Like my dad said when you get tired of playing with one guy then go on to another.
Bye-Bye
Personally, I don’t see the big deal about getting phone numbers anymore. I think the guys who are overly concerned with such things are just looking for external validation and a cheap ego boost.
Great blog! It reminded me of this is hilarious video… http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4247dab144/dimitri-the-stud-from-leggyblonde
It’s just that a lot of guys who struggle with dating and confidence suffer from cognitive distortions, such as black and white/all of northing thinking. Go to a club and approach no women = failure. Talk to women but don’t get their number = loser. Many people think like that and it becomes engrained in their minds and they beat themselves up over it, heightening their anxiety. When I first started dating, that was how it was. If I didn’t approach people, or get their number if I did, it meant I was a loser, whereas any other guy would be able to do it, but not me. Those were the thoughts.
I had much more success when I reframed all my interaction to “I just want to have a positive, social interaction and leave the other person feeling the same way.” I want to make the other woman’s day, not by being some God’s gift to her, but by her thinking “that was fun. I wish I’d have more interactions like that.” When I’ve been best with woman is when my entire life operated like that, including platonic male friendships. Of course there are things like physically escalating you need to do with women, but it comes down to soliciting her comfort after she is attracted to you, and if you are outcome dependent, you’ll never get that comfort.
You got it David…. Guys are entirely goal oriented.. that is why most of them are really bad at sex! (sorry guys, I’m sure you’re different).. But it is a mad race to get a woman to have an orgasm. They rush through the best parts to get to what they believe is the finish line.
Andrew
Loved it but one problem have you heard of T.M.I. Too Much Information. This guy must have been weird. Thanks for the website info.
I agree with ya Sandra — I let a guy call me and pursue me. I am not about to be the one chasing. I might put one question out there or a “feeler” to see if the guy is interested. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t but if he doesn’t call me then I know he isn’t because actions are louder than words. It takes action on a guy’s part to pursue. I know I have to do the work in person, but after the guy has the number, I let them do the work and all they have to do is dial the digits
Tee
I don’t know about the women you slept with but I like a slow hand myself.
Gabrielle
Thank you for the blog. Our mothers taught us well did they?
Tee,
If I say I’m bad at sex, would you teach me?
I could even go grab some Clark Kent glasses and put some duct tape on them…
Wait a minute… Tee, you are a lady, not a guy, right? LOL. Sandra confused me now.
Tee
Sorry about that I did not know that you were a female.
Let me rephrase that I don’t know what kind of guys you slept with but man they need a lesson in not to be a captain cum-quick or mr. rabbit don’t they.
I think it’s really hard for men to understand the “stay in the moment” advice.
What does that really mean? David, Yakub, or guys like us know what it means… but for most guys, it’s like hearing “be confident”. Well, how do you do that?
To be in the moment, guys just need to learn to enjoy themselves more. Focus on having fun, focus on entertaining yourself first, no matter where you go or where you are. Really listen, embrace and absorb all the stimuli around you.
By focusing on these simple things, men can really start seeing the beauty, the fun of each moment… and when they do that, a different (highly attractive) energy emanates from them.
This was a great post David. I have been approaching women using various techniques know for many years. I did find myself becoming very dependant on getting the womans number which was a real problem, I found that more so in the early days but once I approached women more I realised it was just having a conversation with them about something that just happened, something in the environment, that I could talk to her about.
And I found the better I got at talking to women the more success I had. But it took a lot of approaching and a lot of learning from different situations that were thrown up at me.
Also I think that it is good to know that guys won’t get every womans number they meet, because not every woman will be attracted to you.
Great read thanks David.
TC.
Khiem made an awesome point about being in the moment and just having fun- I’m about to graduate college and studied some sport psychology and what Khiem said is the number one way for athletes’ to deal with performance anxiety, because anxiety is really a source of predicting outcome of events. It’s really the same
yes I’m a woman… lol… and come on don’t pretend guys aren’t all about getting a woman to orgasm.. It’s like they hit the lottery… Why do ya think so many woman fake it…. so the guy can feel like he reached the goal even though he didn’t… It’s the process not the end result that is the most exciting.. Most guys don’t get that.. the flirting and foreplay phase should not be rushed… j-dude you never know lessons might be avail… lol.. maybe David will let me do my own blog… lol
Hey David if it’s possible can you please a write a blog about how to write a good match.com profile for the people who don’t the asset of spending time to meet women outside.
Thank you