It happened. You have found that relationship you always hoped you would find. You have found a person with whom you share not only an intense chemistry, but also a truly deep heart and soul connection. You have created an amazing relationship place with this person. You are genuinely and totally happy.
Just when you think nothing can disrupt that amazing relationship place, it happens. Your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend (we’ll just collectively refer to them as the “ex”) starts contacting you. They start calling you, sending you text messages and leaving you voicemail messages. They want you to give your relationship with them another try.
It’s amazing. Ex’s always seem to find their way back into your life to dump all their issues on you at the very moment when you’re most happy with someone else. It’s like they have a special radar which alerts them that it is the perfect time to try to get you back at the very moment you are in this most happy place.
So what do you do? How do you respond to this crusade to win you back? Many people, out of the best of intentions and out of a residual feeling of caring for their ex, will not be totally honest in how they respond. Not wanting to hurt their ex, many people will either not give their ex a definitive “no” to their request and/or will downplay the depth of their feelings and commitment to their current significant other.
This is not the best way to respond to an ex. Although not intended as such, this kind of “soft pedal” response to an ex actually is damaging to all parties involved as well as to your current relationship. Here are four reasons why you need to be totally open with your ex:
1. Your Ex Will Believe There Is A Chance Until You Tell Them Otherwise: An ex who comes to you after having an “epiphany” wherein they decide they are a new person and that you need to give your relationship with the “new them” a second chance, feel very strongly that their epiphany is a truth. They believe with absolute certainty that what they feel is the right thing for both of you. When you respond to an ex in this situation, then, you must keep any measure of ambiguity out of your response. It is imperative that you are clear.
If you do not respond to an ex’s plea with a very definitive “no,” your ex will continue to believe there is still some chance to convince you to say yes. You need to be totally honest with your ex and tell them that there is no chance that the two of you will get back together. You need to be completely open about the fact that you are not only with someone else, but that you are with someone for whom you have very deep and intense feelings.
2. You Are Not Sparing Your Ex’s Feelings: As I indicated above, you need to be totally upfront and honest with your ex about everything at the first sign that they are seeking to try to reconcile with you. You are doing no one any favors when you “protect an ex’s feelings” by not being totally upfront with them. When you fail to be totally open and honest with your ex, you are not protecting them from hurt. You are instead causing them more hurt because you are not making it clear to your ex that there will be no second chance together.
You need to realize that when an ex decides they need to reconcile with you the minute they discovery you are at your most happy place with someone else, your ex is doing this because in reality they are not happy. Deep down they still have feelings for you, but those feelings are all about their own issues and not about yours. So you need to clearly dispel any thoughts in your ex’s head that their perceived feelings are about you, so that they can see that they need to address their own issues which are the real cause of their unhappiness. To fail to do this will only ultimately cause your ex more hurt down the line.
3. You Are Hurting Yourself: It is also important for you to completely let your past with your ex go in order for you to move forward and have the love that you really deserve. When you allow an ex who has invaded your space to linger there, you are causing yourself a lot of unnecessary hurt and preventing yourself from progressing on your own emotional path.
You already know that your ex is an ex for very important reasons. They’re an ex because you already learned the lesson that they did not satisfy you in ways you needed to be satisfied. They are an ex because your heart was not touched by them in ways your heart needed to be touched. Your ex is an ex because they weren’t able to get into your soul and get deep into your core like you needed. You are with someone currently who does meet all of of these needs for you, so you need to completely let your past go so you can concentrate on the person with whom you are developing a true and deep connection.
4. You Are Causing Damage To Your Current Relationship: You need to also remember that each time an ex invades your space, it hurts the sacred space you are forming with the person with whom you are currently in a relationship. The only result for you when an ex invades the sacred space you’ve set up with a new person, is that stress will be brought into your life and your current relationship for no reason at all.
You have met someone with whom you have been developing and experiencing a true soul connection. Allowing your ex to continue to bring stress and pain to you and to your relationship dynamic will inevitably put a strain on the bond you’re building with your significant other. Your current significant other will feel disconnected from you both by your involvement in dealing with your ex, but also in their frustration in being completely unable to help you. There is no reason to allow an ex who will not be a part of your life to affect the amazing connection you have been creating.
So the next time an ex comes into your life when you are happily involved with someone else, you need to be wise in how you respond. You need to be as open and honest with your ex about your feelings about them and about your current relationship as you are with the person you’re currently seeing. The reason you with the person you’re currently seeing is because you feel free to be yourself in the purest form. It is in everyone’s best interest that you do so. So even though it is not always easy, being completely open and honest with an ex is the kindest thing you can do for your ex, for your current relationship and for yourself.
Sounds tough, but fair.
I dated a guy for 3 months, and he had 6 past “x”s texting him constantly. When I caught on to what was happening, I told him if all his “I love you”’s really meant anything, then ditch all the phone talk. He would run our relationship past them for advice; that’s just obnoxious. He just couldn’t cut off the past, so I said good-bye to him and never looked backed. I perfer not to have a relationship run by committee. He said he couldn’t live without me, so I just suggested he put his phone on vibrate and keep it deep in his front pocket. He’d get plenty of attention from his X’s that way, that should fill the void.
When “x”s become needy, I never return calls, texts or e-mails, otherwise they just keep on and on and don’t deal with the break up and it is an emotional roller coaster, making it difficult to move along.
Deb said “He would run our relationship past them for advice; that’s just obnoxious.”
That’s not obnoxious, that’s dysfunctional. Good for you for moving on. The reason most people are in contact with their ex’s is because they don’t have the guts to tell people how they really feel. Trying to be “nice” to the ex isn’t nice to the ex or to yourself in the long run. Like a recent blog here said…. be decisive.
Adam- you are so right. I felt so insignificant and disrespected, it didn’t take long to put him to the curb. I learned better what to watch for; lesson learned.
To a person has to watch out for ploys. A person can use a ploy to just to get back with the person. Sometimes we have to read between the lines for a person can use a person, place or thing just to keep the relationship going. I know I have been there and done that with several guys in my life. I refuse to live a past that I am no longer apart of where or who are these guys. Bringing up the past a person only relives it. The ex needs to move on.
I am a person once the relationship is over it is over. No turning back. I was told this by a guy one time why go back to the same thing you just left behind live for the moment not past in the present time.
Normally, being forthright and honest with an ex is not a problem if all parties act like adults. But being somewhat tech-retarded (or at least tech-averse) I finally just stopped answering any of the last big ex’s e-mails in the company e-mail system (a tricky thing to do when I used to conduct company business with him via e-mail). If he can ignore me for weeks on end (by all communications methods) and I bought a new house (with a new phone number) and moved during that time and went to a new job in a new building (but he wasn’t interested in what I was doing), he forfeit the right to know anything about where I am now and where I’m going in the future. He already left me and I just caught on to it before he did. Then way later when the company allows IM’ing, he thinks that he should try contact again that way? Bite me, I can learn about blocking IM & internal company e-mail, etc. Hasta la vista, baby! You snooze – you lose. Life is very good now. Try getting one for yourself.
After I divorced my last one I kept receiving phone calls from bill collectors about his debts. I got tired of it one day and told the individual (in a not so good fashion) to stop harassing me about him. I don’t know where this individual is. Then another trick I will pull is telling my parents hey when so and so calls you don’t know where I am as far as you know I don’t live here anymore. Trust me they will back me up. Another trick pretending to be someone else. Saying I don’t know who you are talking about. Or pretend to be a kin take a message and not call back. If a person is with someone that there ex keeps calling just ignore the ignorant person all they are trying to do is break you two up. In due reality the person who is free from this and has someone else cares for the person they are with now and wants nothing to do with the past.
Guess what so far so good-knock on wood I haven’t received anymore phone calls thank God for caller ID. See a number don’t answer. Unknown callers don’t get answered if they aren’t willing to show me a name then I wont waste my time.
Here is the trick only answer the phone to those you want to talk to eventually they will get the message.
there was a woman in my life, i’d give anything to see her smile again. it’s not a matter of getting over her, but the fact that she was taken from me a year ago by a woman in an SUV talking on a cell phone in the State of California. i send good wishes to her old e-mail address e-mails on holidays and her birthday knowing nobody will reply. i feel no shame in that
and Sandra, you seem like an angry person and a fool for letting some dude leach off you to the point of debt collectors. i wish i knew you long enough so i can verify my assumption
Ken
That is past and I don’t worry about that anymore as far as being angry. I will allow Lord Jesus to take care of my past. And the assumptions of it all God will deal with the rest. For I refuse to live a past I am no longer apart of where and who are these guys.
In order to know what two people go through in a relationship you have to be a child and know first hand. I can’t say hey those two aren’t getting along knowing that I am not apart of the situation. When a person puts in a good blog then I will congradulate them on it. As far as my blog I am over the past the bill collectors don’t bother me anymore and there is more to it than what I am willing to say on the internet. This will soon be five years ago and good riddens to the one who left me behind. When guys left me in the past I had my dad to talk too. Still I am daddy’s little girl for that is my story. Meeting daddy’s little girl my story. In order to see me you have to pass daddy’s little girl test as well should I have to pass momma’s little boy test. If my dad knows some dirt on you forget it for I know I will have problems out of the relationship. My dad has a good sense of judgment when it comes to the characteristics of the men I have had in my life. P.S. I don’t have the eyes of God. If you are in a relationship that works out then more power to you.
David
A while back I emailed you something I don’t know if you still have it Meeting daddy’s little girl my story. I am aware that you receive a lot of email. I can send you another copy just email me at my email address if you still don’t have it.
Sandra
I get 300 emails a day so i may have missed it:)
David
That is ok about the email. I work during the day and know how it is to keep up with everything. Especially on the days I have off. I help my parents.
Ex girlfriends are nothing but drama